Hello, My Old Friend ...

It's been a while.  A really long while.  Things have went from bad to worse ... then even worse than that.

My emotional and physical knocks have been many (my Dad, my shoulder surgery, my broken leg followed by knee surgery, my emotional roller coaster ...) and I have let it completely derail me.  I spent a little time this morning reading some of my old entries from the good old days, when I was filled with motivation and having lots of weight loss success.

It is my intention to get right back in that saddle.  I am still not 100% healed, mentally or physically, but I can't "baby" myself any longer.  I have a kettlebell competition in May that I intend to rock.  I joined a local TOPS group because I sincerely need to be held accountable in order to get this weight off, once and for all.  I intend to get back on the Clean Eating train ... just after the holidays.  I am keeping track of my food and exercise right now, but lets face it ... Christmas and New Years are not the time to start eating perfectly.  It's Christmas Eve ... I am going to be good, but I am also going to enjoy the season.  Within reason.

I also need to start writing again.  Writing here, writing my novel (which is coming along quite nicely actually), just writing in general.  So come the New Year, my resolution is to write for 2 hours every single day.  If I am on a tear on the book, then I won't blog, but if I am only mediocre or am in a rut, I will at least write here.  I intend to get back to that Wonder Woman mentality I had 2 years ago.

Picking myself up, brushing off the dirt and hitting the road again.  Stay tuned!

Enduring

It has been a rough year for me. Around this time last year, we learned that my Dad's brain tumor was not responding to chemo and radiation therapy. Shortly thereafter he entered hospice and finally, on August 9th, 2010, Dad was released from the agony of being trapped in a body that could not heal. As most of you know, who read me faithfully at that time, we had a little less than 4 months from the time of his diagnosis to the time of his death. That's just not enough time.

But life goes on and we still have responsibilities that must be addressed, needs which must be taken care of. A little less than a week after I returned from my Dad's funeral we were whisked off to sunny San Diego to celebrate my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary. Certainly not an appropriate place to mourn, but better to celebrate life and love and try to move on. Upon returning, Ian had football and school starting and we had lives in the real world to begin living again. Certainly not enough time to properly mourn, but better to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keeping going forward.

I think it bears mentioning here that I have had a "policy" in regards to sadness, mourning, depression, etc. since my first real heartbreak and bitter disappointment in my early 20's. I call it "One Minute of Woe". Whenever I felt something trying to pull me into a dark place I didn't want to go, I would allow myself exactly one minute to cry, weep, lament, despair, whatever I needed to do. However, when the one minute clock chimed, I had to be done and it was time to "move on". Most of the time, I got bored with my "woe" long before the full minute was up and would pull on that happier face, shove the despair as deep down inside as I could and forget about it. Or try to.

Most of the time, this policy worked very well for me. I became very adept at wiping my face clean of sadness and tear tracks and getting on with my life. The problem is, there has been a pile of hurt building up inside of me for 20 years and when it came time to stack the loss of my father on top of it, I found the well no longer had room and I simply could not close that door.

(Picture, as I do, a "man-hole" cover for the city sewage system.)

For twenty years I have been piling the crap down that hole, then locking the cover on tight. Last summer I learned that my sewage system had reached its maximum capacity and, try as I might, that lid simply would not seal. I would get it closed and start to walk away, only to get a whiff of that tell-tale smell and turn to find it loosened again and leaking all over. All of my "crap" was leaking out all over the place for everyone and anyone to see. I found that I could only be around people for a very short amount of time before my system would start to leak again and then I needed to get back in hiding. Heaven forbid anyone should see all my pain and misery, heartbreak and despair, leaking all over and stinking up the place. It was easier to hide.

Not dealing with my heartbreak started to leak into other areas of my life as well. I figured out early on that I "blamed" my husband for not going to the funeral with me. I also realized that I had told him not to come, it was better if he took care of our son (who we felt was not ready to attend a funeral) while I tried to help take care of my Mom. I had no right to blame him for not being there. But somewhere deep inside I had wished he had recognized that I really needed him to be there, and to ignore my words. Several fights later, when I realized what was stirring in the "crap" we were able to shovel that bit out and loosen a bit of the pressure.

In July of last year, sometime after the 4th, before I went out to MI to spend as much time with my Dad as possible, my trainer told me she thought I should find someone new to work with me, that she had taken me as far as she thought she could. She said that she felt I would benefit more from having someone nearby, who could get eyeballs on me and get me over the hump to the next level. That's what she SAID. What I heard was "you've been stuck at the same place for so long that I don't think you can do any better and I would rather work with people who have the ability to finish successfully, not those that stall and fail halfway through." That's what I HEARD. Unreasonable, right? But that's the truth of it. So I cried for a little while, we decided she would keep working with me until I found someone, and then I stuffed that hurt into my sewage system and covered it up. Every failure in my fitness plan from that point on just re-emphasized to me my inability to succeed at anything. And, I think it jeopardized every possibility of success I might have. There has been no success in my weight loss efforts since that point. Whether it is because I am mentally sabotaging myself, or because I am physically unable to deal with the emotional healing I need along with the physical, I don't know. In early June of this year I opted to quit training with her until I could find a way to be happy and successful.

NWB (non-weight-bearing) in a full leg brace and on crutches until at least August 24th. It seems, now, I having nothing but time to deal with all of the crap I have been hiding for the past 20 years.

Well, nothing but time for that and reading and playing games on the computer. I watch much of the world go by from my recliner in the family room.

Oddly enough, the one thing I can not wait to do when I get free from George, my friendly torture device (a.k.a. my leg brace) is RUN. I hate running, it is absolutely my least preferred cardio method. Now, I can't wait until I can run again. Funny, it took breaking my leg to appreciate what a gift it is to have freedom of movement.

I know that my family probably thinks I did not mourn my Dad properly. Heck, if I had seen myself at that funeral I probably would have thought I was a truly odd duck. The fact of the matter is, I DIDN'T mourn him properly. I didn't even know how to begin to mourn him. I remember a few things from that day. I remember lots of people I haven't seen in ages. I remember moving from room to room, outside to inside, person to person, trying not to stay with anyone too long because I couldn't let anyone see me too long, lest the crap started to leak. I remember feeling like I was going to jump out of my skin. I remember feeling like I didn't belong, that I was completely alone. I remember my Aunt Becky, who was my saving grace, whose wit and humor were the strength and fuel I needed to keep it together. I remember my niece, Brianna, crying softly behind me during the service, and how that almost did me in. I remember thinking the minister did NOT know my Dad. I remember my niece, Brittany, finding me silently screaming on the hidden side of a wall, where I was trying to pull it together within the "one-minute" allotment of time I could allow myself. I remember her arm around my shoulder was the most comforting thing I felt the whole week. I remember the body of my father, looking nothing like my Dad and not wanting to look at it, because that is not how I wanted to remember him. Sadly, that sight is the memory that still haunts me.

It's been nearly a year and it has taken a broken leg to make me stop moving in every direction around this heartbreak and force me to face it. I am starting to realize that I need to face more of these things I have been shoving down the man-hole. I am hoping that at the end of my 8-week forced rest I will be able to return to a life better than the one I was enduring before. I want to do more than endure. I want to thrive.

De·ter·mi·na·tion (it's a Decision.)

de·ter·mi·na·tion: [dih-tur-muh-ney-shuhn]
–noun

1. the act of coming to a decision or of fixing or settling a purpose.
2. ascertainment, as after observation or investigation.
3. the information ascertained; solution.
4. the settlement of a dispute, question, etc.
5. the decision or settlement arrived at or pronounced.
6. the quality of being resolute; firmness of purpose.
7. a fixed purpose or intention.
8. the fixing or settling of amount, limit, character, etc.
9. fixed direction or tendency toward some object or end.
10. Chiefly Law . conclusion or termination.

Have you ever sat and stared at a word long enough that you no longer understand what it means? Can no longer comprehend what its purpose for being in the human language is? Or maybe you have used a particular word or phrase ad nauseum, to the point where people attribute it to you, where your face flashes before their eyes every time they hear the word. I think for me that word is determination. Not necessarily that my face resides next to it in the dictionary ... but rather that I overuse it and completely abuse it. I also undermine it and reduce its power and influence.

I wake each morning filled with determination, absolutely determined that this day will transpire as I wish. Then as the day moves forward, that determination slips away like sand through the fingers. At night, as I lie in bed regurgitating the events of the day, I wonder why it was so easy for me to lose my determination, so easy for me to slip back into bad habits, or allow lesser choices to be made. I wonder why my determination has failed me. As if the word itself is the reason for my failure.

This morning, in the face of the letter "D", I decided to look up that word and see how the experts define it. After all, the more I thought about the word, the more I used it, the less meaning it had for me. Reviewing the actual definition helped me to remember that being determined is being decisive. It is making a decision, over and over again, that I will stick to a plan, no matter what road blocks get thrown in my path.

Determined people aren't blessed with a superhuman over-abundance of self-control. They have just made a decision and stuck to it, no matter what. Scientists are determined to prove their theories and try repeatedly, from different angles, until they reach their desired outcome. Successful sales people find creative ways to turn a no into a happy yes. Star athletes challenge themselves every day to go beyond the physical limitations of the day before. They all decide what they want the outcome to be and work relentlessly until they reach that goal, even if it means changing direction on the path a few times to get there.

I need to make a decision, stick with it, and reach my goals. I need to make that decision every single day, over and over each moment to ensure success. Remembering this when things get rocky (or when someone waves a warm brownie under my nose, or some new body part starts to ache, etc.) is the hard part. My "fixed purpose of intention" is to walk the very narrow path each and every day and live a determined life, decisively focused on my goal.

I am determined.

Carbolicious Carby-Carb Fantastic Carbohydrates

Donuts. Pies. Cookies. Cakes. Bread. (Let me add, fresh baked, white, white, white yummy, yummy bread.) Candy. Pasta. White Rice. Jam. Soda.

There's more, of course. You can pretty much go down the center food aisles at your local supermarket and find enough carbs to fulfill any food fantasy. And let's face it, they taste good. The more awful they are for you, the more delectable they are. There are times when I would gladly trade my car for a warm, fresh donut and a glass of apple cider. Luckily for my winter commute, no one has taken me up on it. Yet.

Here's the thing, though. Carbs have gotten a really bad rep over the past several years. And not just the truly bad ones (as mentioned above) are reeling from the assault. Popular diets have dismissed even some of the most nourishing and healthy foods available to us today. Fruits, nuts, seeds, whole grains, legumes and, yes, even vegetables can fall under the header of the evil carbohydrate. There are many fantastic lists available. One of my favorites is http://commonsensehealth.com/Diet-and-Nutrition/List_of_Carbohydrate_Foods_with_Good_Carbs_Grams.shtml.

It's also important to understand why we actually need carbohydrates. You would think, after the character assault they've received in recent years, that they hold no other function than to keep us fat. However, in the words of McKinley Health Center:

* Carbohydrates are the body’s main source of fuel.
* Carbohydrates are easily used by the body for energy.
* All of the tissues and cells in our body can use glucose for energy.
* Carbohydrates are needed for the central nervous system, the kidneys, the brain, the muscles (including the heart) to function properly.
* Carbohydrates can be stored in the muscles and liver and later used for energy.
* Carbohydrates are important in intestinal health and waste elimination.

Healthy Carbohydrates have a really important job! How dare we bulk together the workhorses with the lazy mules and call them all useless? Healthy carbohydrates taste just as good as the unhealthy, often even better. Give me a steaming cup of steel cut oats with a dash of cinnamon and some diced up apple over a bowl of Frosted Flakes any day of the week.

It just requires a bit more research and planning. Know what the best options are, make sure they are what you have available first and what you eat primarily. Don't blindly accept the word of the next most popular diet guru without spending a significant amount of time studying up on the facts yourself.

Then, go forth and enjoy those carbolicious, carby-carb fantastic carbohydrates. Just make sure they are the right kind!

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. ~Jim Davis~

Blame it on ...

I have an incredibly busy schedule. I didn't have a lot of time, so I had to grab something quick at the drive-thru. My husband always brings home my favorite wine. My friends wanted to go out. The workouts take too long. I haven't been feeling 100%. My kid's school ... my job ... my family ... my life ...the doctor ... the lady who insulted me ...

Where does it end?

There are an infinite number of excuses for not doing the things we know we need to do. I am full of them. And I hate them. If there is a pet peeve that sits at number one on my list, it is the making of excuses. I even have a favorite saying that directly relates to them:

An Excuse is a Justification for a LOWER STANDARD.

Yet ... I still make them. I wasted away months of great work after a very difficult summer. Yes, my Dad died and I deserved the time off, mentally, to mourn. However, when did that become an excuse for giving up on myself? I have physical ailments due to chronic misuse of my body. And the fact that I am getting old. But should I allow this to stop me from achieving the goals I have set for myself?

It's time to stop shifting the blame, even if I am only doing it in my head. It's time to own it and deal with it. It's time to get back on the wagon, not just going through the motions, but putting my heart and soul back into reaching my goals. It's time to lose those subpar standards and reach beyond my wildest dreams.

A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else. ~John Burroughs~

Attitude Adjustment

Happiness comes from... some curious adjustment to life. ~Hugh Walpole~

What's your goal? What makes you get up each morning and forge a path through a brand new day? Where would you like to see your life a year from today? How about 10 years? Or more ... ?

I struggle with the answers to those questions. I loathe failure and the best way to avoid it is to also avoid setting goals. As for the forging that path ... I have often described myself as a marble in a pinball machine. I fly around reacting to all the situations happening in my life. I bounce off this obstacle, hurling to the next, then ricocheting in a brand new direction, over and over until eventually the ball just falls and its time to pull back the spring and take another go at the game.

I'm tired of being a pinball wizard. I am exhausted from reacting to my life, rather than owning it, controlling it. It is time for a "curious adjustment" to my life. I don't have the answers to those questions I asked above, but I intend to meditate on them and come up with some.

I love being a wife and mother. I live a wonderful and privileged life, and for that I am so very grateful. I am able to enjoy activities that fulfill me. Why then, do I so often struggle with happiness? Possibly the thing which lacking is my attitude. In order for me to find answers, in order to set goals and reach them successfully, I need to adjust my attitude.

April has brought so much good already in just 3 short days. The weather has warmed, the flowers are starting to bloom, the new competition kettlebell class has begun ... It's a great time to make the necessary adjustments.

I've even successfully begun a new challenge. The 10k Swings in 30 Days challenge has commenced winningly. I've managed 450 swings on each of the past 3 days. 1350 down ... 8650 to go. My hands are sore, my shoulders and back are tired ... but I feel strong and capable. I am excited to add new activity into my day and curious to see what changes it will bring to my training and physique.

Wouldn't it be nice if it made a (lowered) adjustment to the scale, as well?

"Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for that determines our success or failure." ~Norman Vincent Peale~

Borrowing the Alphabet (blog)

In an effort to generate more creativity in my writing, I have decided to borrow an idea from a friend of mine. I am going to blog the alphabet for the next few entries ... the next 26 entries, actually. Dave is a minister, therapist, college professor ... so I don't dare compare my writing to his in depth and meaningfulness. However, his idea was brilliant and therefore, steal-worthy. Hopefully, he will be honored that I am choosing to imitate his endeavor.

By choosing a topic based upon whichever letter comes next, I will have a good jumping off point for each day. Of course, my blogs will still be all about fitness, nutrition and struggling to maintain a lifestyle between the two. I recently began a new food rotation and it seems to be working well. I also committed to weighing myself only once per month. (Quite a challenge for me, but liberating at the same time!)

And today I began my 10,000 Swings in 30 Days Kettlebell challenge. In order to accomplish this goal by the end of April, I will need to swing that bell at least 333 times a day. In truth, I need to swing it more like 450x as often as I can in case there are days in which I can't accomplish the goal. (Lots of things get in the way of workouts, right? Scheduling, sickness, family obligation ... need to be prepared.) I just finished 450 swings with my 14kg. Sweat dripping down my back, shoulders tired, the last 50 took a lot of effort ... but I ground 'em out. Now only 29 days to go!

Spring is in the air, new challenges and goals abound. I am looking forward to experiencing creative thoughts again. It seems like it has been an exceptionally long time. Letter "A" tomorrow ...

"And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." ~Sylvia Plath~

Just Say No

It seems such a simple concept, saying "no". It's a small little word, only 2 letters and one syllable. It is also one of the most powerful words in our vocabulary. In fact, so powerful that 9 times out of 10, it is the first word we learn to speak. NO, I don't want to do that. NO, I don't want to go there. NO, I don't want to go to bed. NO, I don't want to eat that brussel sprout/broccoli/cauliflower/whatever.

NO, I don't want any dessert. (Thank you.)

NO, I can't skip my gym workout. NO, I can't even skip the 2nd workout of the day.

NO, I'm not going to eat more than 1 serving.

NO, I don't want that glass of wine. (Yes, I do. No, NO ... I don't!)

Sometimes NO feels like the heaviest, most dreaded word in the English language. Practically impossible to use. Especially in the face of, say, a perfectly made Tiramasu. Or when a loving husband comes home with a bottle of the absolute best Spanish Granache ever bottled anywhere. Ever.

It is quite easy for me to say no to spending money. (Especially when it is not to be spent on me, ha!) It is simple to deny my son access to McDonald's. But put in front of me one of those things I adore (tiramasu, granache ...) and the denial leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

I haven't had to struggle with it today. It was just something that popped into my head as I drove to The Vitamin Shoppe for some Protein Powder after boxing this morning. I need to remaster the art of saying NO to myself. For the past 4 days, I have done quite well. But then, there have been no real temptations placed in my path. The weekend is upon me, and I am sure those temptations will rear their ugly head. The rest is up to me.

Just. Say. NO!

Breakfast
4 egg whites, cooked hard then eaten on an Arnold Whole Wheat Sandwich Thin
2 cups black coffee

MM Snack
1/2 c. No-Sugar-Added canned peaches with 1/2 c. 1% Cottage Cheese

Lunch
Leftover Chicken Soup from last night's supper (about 1.5 c.)

MA Snack
1/4 c. mixed unsweetened dehydrated banana chip, sesame sticks, slivered raw almonds

Supper
4-oz. grilled chicken, mixed veggie salad with 1 tbsp balsamic vinegar, 1/2 baked potato with spray butter

Tethered by Solid Resolve

I have put together some really good days since returning from the Arnold Sports Expo. My food has been clean and nutritious. My workouts have been tough and effective. I am sincerely looking at this journey as one day at a time. I only have a few short weeks left until my Kettlebell Expo competition. I feel like I lost 2 weeks of training due to the FL trip and the subsequent injury. Wanting to bring my best game when the competition arrives, I am trying to carefully make up for lost time, keeping the health of my back in mind with every movement. I spend a LOT of time stretching right now, in the hopes that will keep me loose and limber and ready to work.

Right now, I am quietly motivated. I don't feel the need to shout from any rooftops that I am staying on track and am focused. I guess after so many months of feeling cut off, afloat, I just want to enjoy the security of routine, tethered by solid resolve. For those who are used to me pulling out the old soap box whenever I find a little motivation, that isn't happening this time around. I know what needs to be done, it's time to just do it. Nobody wants to hear you talk about it ... they want to see you perform.

So watch me fly.

Breakfast
1 svg. oatmeal with 1 tbsp. ground flax, 1 tbsp. wheat germ, 1 tsp. sucanat, 2 cups black coffee

MM Snack
1/2 c. cottage cheese, 10 green grapes

Lunch
Salad with grilled chicken, tomato, 1 boiled egg, red bell pepper, onion, cucumber, about a tbsp. bleu cheese and very little (maybe, maybe 2 tsp.) italian dressing

MA Snack
Protein powder mixed with water

Supper
Homemade chicken soup with zucchini, carrots, onion, tomato, and just a little (1 cup for the whole pot, which will make 8 servings) whole wheat pasta in homemade veggie stock, 1 small whole wheat roll, dry

Win, Win, Win!!

My cycling (Spinning, but Reebok has the copyright on that name, so we have to call it cycling) instructor, Emily, is a wonderful motivator. She obviously spends a lot of time coming up with new "rides", themed song lists and throws out challenges throughout the class. Today she asked us to think of that one person who "always beats you, no matter how hard you work." The person who gets the raise you wanted, the person who accomplishes easily the goal you struggle with ... THAT person, you know who it is.

After we raced that person (and beat them ... this is a mind trip, after all ... you actually get to beat your nemesis on your own mind trip!), she challenged us to think of someone new. Someone you had fought with recently. We were to think of beating them next. I found this task more difficult. I don't usually want to beat, competitively, the people I argue with. I don't usually want to beat them physically, either, but that's a different type of challenge. But it did make me start thinking. Why is it motivating to compete with other people?

For some of us, I am sure competition makes no difference whatsoever. My husband, for example, feels no need to compete with anyone other than himself. He is so self disciplined, so self-assured that he doesn't need any outside influence to make him work his hardest. In this particular area, we are complete opposites. I LOVE competing. I HATE being non-competitive. Meaning, there are so many areas in my life that I truly wish I had the talent, physicality, ability in which to compete, but am held back for various reasons.

I would love to be a real runner. I love the idea of running ... I just hate how it makes me feel. And how it breaks down my body. I would love to get in a boxing ring and actually be good at it. I would love to do any number of physical things, but I have a body with continuous joint issues. Let's face it, I am nearly 42 and it isn't going to get better. Still, I need to have something or someone to compete with to keep me interested and involved.

I look around the cycling class and try to find someone to beat. My legs must pump harder than his, my sprints need to be faster than hers. I do it in Kettlebell as well, but after I time, I find myself going into my head and competing more with my own body in that particular sport. In cycling, I have no idea if that days competition is using more or less tension than I am, but still I feel victorious if I perceive it as a win.

It's all about perception isn't it? How we perceive ourselves, our wins, our failures, how other perceive us, and ultimately respond to us. Changing that perception to positive in as many ways as we can, results in a win. Right now I am trying to change my perception of my body. Sure, I am not as thin or fit as so and so ... but, by golly, I am stronger. I am not at my goal, but boy have I made serious strides in the face of horrible odds over the past year. Now I just need to convince my spirit that these are wins.

“The spirit, the will to win, and the will to excel are the things that endure. These qualities are so much more important than the events that occur.” ~Vince Lombardi~

Breakfast
4 egg whites on a whole wheat english muffin, 3 cups coffee, black

MM Snack
1/2 c. 1% cottage cheese, 1/2 c. mandarin oranges

Lunch
4-oz grilled chicken doused in buffalo sauce on lettuce with tomato, quartered, and cucumber slices

MA Snack
Protein powder mixed with water

Supper
4-oz grilled tuna with 1/4 c diced tomato, onion & garlic, 1/2 c. green beans, 8 steamed brussel sprouts

The Result of Interruption

It seems that writing every day, blogging my food intake every day, for a grand total of 30 days is made much more difficult when there are 2 fairly long driving trips thrown into the mix. Florida was a halt and start. Columbus seems to have been another. Although it needs to be mentioned that I was VERY good on this particular trip. However, I didn't turn my computer on once from Friday afternoon until this morning. That makes blogging a bit difficult.

I am not going to bore you further with my meals. I accomplished what I wanted to with this particular challenge, at least, I accomplished my main objective. I have gotten into the habit of tracking my food intake again. I am much more aware of every bite, good and bad, that enters my mouth. A Starbucks Venti Cinnamon Dolce Skinny Latte is still 160 calories, no matter how nice "Skinny" may sound. French fries might start off as a vegetable (of sorts), but potatoes are rendered useless when frenched and fried. Not as if I didn't know that ... but it is the most convenient side dish when eating whilst driving.

Seeing all the uber-fit ladies at the Arnold really made me want to get back in the game. Working out with Maureen in person really made me more excited about jumping on the fitness wagon. Cardio is not an evil thing and I am no longer going to say I hate it. Instead, I am going to insist that I LOVE it until it is true. I will get my cardio in 6 days per week, no matter what. And no, I am not going to count my KB workouts as cardio, but on those days I will reduce my minutes from 45 to 30.

I am still going to track my food. But if I miss a day writing it here, I won't stress as much. However, I will post it with every blog, and I hope to become more consistent in the blogging.

Oh yeah ... and Monica Brant is just as sweet, kind, and beautiful in person as she appears to be in her interviews. Tosca Reno is wonderfully inspiring. And Vanda Hadarean is kindness personified. Alicia Marie? Gorgeous! Don't know who any of those people are? Check 'em out! Some of the best there is in the fitness model world ... and I saw them live and in person at the Arnold Sports Expo this weekend. Can't wait to go again next year ... and to look much better standing next to them in my pics.

Breakfast
4 egg whites, one whole wheat english muffin, 3 cups black coffee

MM Snack
1/2 c. 1% cottage cheese, 1/2 c. sugar free mandarin oranges

Lunch
4-oz. Grilled chicken, doused with buffalo wing hot sauce, on lettuce with tomato

MA Snack
1 oz craisins, 1 oz raw almonds

Supper
4-oz baked chicken breast, 1 cup steamed broccoli, 1-oz. walnuts

Later ....
Cup of decaf herbal mint tea

Day 22 Mending

Today was a pretty good day. My back is significantly better, although I am still being careful. I get to hop in a car and drive to the Arnold's in Columbus, OH tomorrow. I am not thrilled with the prospect of driving again and what that might mean for my back. But, Ohhhhh, will it be worth it!

I have always dreamed of attending the great Arnold Sports Festival. People I have admired from afar will be up close and personal. You have all heard me write about my *girl-crush* on Monica Brant. I have just admired her so much for her work ethic, her faith, her incredible physique, her generous spirit ... pretty much everything about her. I will have several chances to meet her. I hope I don't cry. LOL

I am looking forward to seeing thousands of people to be inspired by. Motivation comes from within, but inspiration can fuel that fire. There should be lots of walking, talking, fire-breathing inspiration in the Columbus Convention Center this weekend.

Yay!!

Breakfast
Orange, 1 oz. walnuts

Mid-Morning Snack
Protein shake made with 8-oz. skim milk

Lunch
Lettuce salad with bell pepper, onion, tomato, grilled chicken and balsamic vinegar

Mid-Afternoon Snack
1/2 cup Mandarin Oranges, 1/2 c. 1% cottage cheese

Supper
1 svg. bison chili (leftover)

Day 21 *Sigh*

STILL dealing with a weak and aching back. Ditto on the left shoulder. I have boxing/KB with Coach Dom tomorrow ... I hope I can make it worth his time. I'm still keeping my workouts very light. Just elliptical, little resistance and light weights, when I do them. Did a few squats and calf raises today ... just for something in the lower body region.

I took two vicodin before bed last night and this morning was still exhausted. After I put Ian on the bus, early for chorus practice, I decided to lay back down. At 10:30(!!!) I woke again. Less tired, lol, but very behind schedule. Therefore, I skipped breakfast and my morning snack. Just putting that out there before I type out the food of the day.

Lunch
Turkey on whole wheat with lettuce, tomato & onion

Snack
Orange
1 0z walnuts

Supper
Bison chili, 1.5 cups

Lots of water ... surprisingly, no coffee.

Day 20 Still on Light Duty

Still protecting this back. Light exercise, elliptical, lighter arm work ... feels like I am a woose. I was supposed to start the "10,000 swings in 30 days" challenge today (March 1st) ... but apparently I need to wait a bit longer.

Tried to keep my food light with the decrease in activity. Looks like I am going to the Arnold's as pudgy as I can be. Hopefully the cool camera will make me look like "Press". Maybe I can swipe a badge ... ?

Breakfast
1 svg oatmeal with dried berries (2 T.), 1 T. each flax seed and wheat germ
coffee, black, 2 c.

Mid-Morning Snack
Orange
100 cal pack of almonds

Lunch
Salad made with lettuce, grape tomatoes, onion, cucumber and 3 oz chicken breast. Sprinkled with balsamic vinegar

Mid-Afternoon SnackChocolate protein shake with water

Supper
4 oz baked chicken breast, 1 c. steamed broccoli, 1/2 c. brown rice
water, water, water

Day 19 "Tales from an Armchair"

Remember yesterday's lament about my body failing me, repeatedly? Today was worse. No, really. It started out better, a little. Still in pain, but somewhat less. Still moving slowly, but at least able to do so. Then I sneezed.

Oh, yeah. That nearly sent me to the hospital. Picture this:

Chicken browning in a pan on the stove to my right. Dishwasher opened to my left. My back to the sink. One large sneeze and suddenly I can no longer support my body with my legs. I am holding myself up by my arms, slightly behind me, on the sink, completely unable to move one direction or the other, tears streaming down my face. Can't turn the stove off because I can't remove one of the arms keeping my body from crumbling to the floor. Can't reach the phone to call for help because I can't get past the open dishwasher. Arms are starting to shake .. and ...

Come on! This is freakin' ridiculous! Really, God? I am going to die by burning down my house while browning chicken when my 41 year old back goes out? Really? Give a girl a break already!

I eventually got myself turned around and after some time was able to turn off the stove and drag my legs to a chair in the kitchen. After some time there, I was able to get to the medicine cabinet containing my leftover Vicodin (rotator cuff surgery a year ago). I eventually finished putting together the Chicken Cacciatore and made my way to my favorite armchair where I have spent the better part of this day. Oh yeah, I made sure I had my phone on me from the "incident" on, as well.

My husband thinks I need one of this "Help me! I've fallen and I can't get up~!!" buttons.

Yeah. He's a really funny guy.

The vicodin has helped immensely. Luckily, I used very little after my surgery. Nice for me that I have plenty for this little back problem. I am hoping that the back will continue to improve with rest, ice, heat and light stretching. It ticks me off that I can't get back to my training for KB ... but I am trying to be smart. I'd rather take this time and heal, than have to be laid up for months because I failed to listen to the really loud warning screams my body is emitting.

Ok ... here's what I ate today:

Breakfast
2 egg whites, 1 50 cal cheese brick, 1 whole wheat english muffin
2 cups black coffee

Mid-morning snack
1 slice whole wheat toast, spray butter
1 orange

Lunch
1 svg Lentil Soup

Mid-afternoon snack
Chocolate protein bar (perrillo)

Supper
3/4 cup low carb rotini
4 oz chicken breast with about a cup of cacciatore (eggplant, zucchini, italian peppers, onion, tomato, garlic and various italian seasonings)

Day 16, 17 & 18 Catch Up!

I did not have computer access Friday and Saturday I fell into bed shortly after I FINALLY got home. I do have an exact accounting of my food for you though. Considering how little I ate over those two days, it is a pretty simple task.

First, however, I want to talk about my body. More accurately, my pain. Today I am simply overwhelmed with frustration at how my body continues to crush my every effort. My shoulder and subsequent surgery interfered with my upper body progress last year. Following, my knee interrupted my running plans. Now I am dealing with a chronic back issue that is dooming my kettlebell agenda. And sadly, my left shoulder is giving me issues again and my knee has never stopped being a problem. Quite frankly, I am DONE with being in pain ... ALL THE TIME.

A week and a half ago, during my Thursday training, I accomplished a trial run for my KB Competition group. At the end, my lower back was obviously fatigued and aching. Luckily, I was already scheduled to go to the chiropractor on Friday. I was also scheduled to drive for 23 hours over the course of the weekend. My back pain upon arriving in FL was substantial. It abated somewhat just in time to hop back in the car 3 days ago for a return trip.

This morning I attended my Sunday KB Competition class and was rendered virtually useless. I did what I could, wore a back brace (Thanks Jenn!) and have spent the rest of the day either icing or heating. I can still barely walk. I am so incredibly frustrated with this, I can't begin to explain it. It's not that the pain is unbearable ... I have been living with pain for a really long time. And there are people who live with MUCH more. It's the anger I feel that I am having a hard time dealing with.

Why, oh WHY??? ... is it that I can't just place a goal in front of me, work towards it and not have to deal with some portion of my body breaking down? I know this is not permanent. I know that if I am careful, I will be able to get myself back into working order within the week. I am simply tired of being in pain and always having to make allowances for my body's inherent weaknesses.

Putting it bluntly, its difficult to maintain motivation and optimism in the face of never ending painful odds.

That's my complaint (rant) for the day. I hope that tomorrow will be significantly better. Here's the food part.

Day 16
No breakfast
Well, 2 cups black coffee and some water

Lunch
Grilled chicken sandwich from Burger King and a diet coke

More water

Dinner
Grilled chicken sandwich from KFC and a large bottle of water

Day 17
Breakfast
2 eggs scrambled, 2 slices whole wheat toast and hash browns
2 cups black coffee

No lunch, No snacks, a coke Zero and 2 bottles of water

Dinner
6" Turkey sub on whole wheat roll from Subway (all veggies and mustard)
Plain, unsweetened Iced Tea

Day 18
Breakfast
3 eggs whites scrambled, 1 whole wheat english muffin, 2 cups black coffee

Mid-Morning Snack
1 orange

Lunch
1 svg Lentil Soup

Dinner
Chinese diet menu chicken with chinese vegetables, 1/2 c. brown rice, soy sauce
Coke Zero and finished up my gallon of water

Looking forward to less pain tomorrow.

Day 15

Tomorrow we leave the wonderful Florida weather, returning to blustery, wintery upstate New York. Frankly, I'd rather stay here. However, I miss my husband, my house, my life back home. Wouldn't it be great if we brought back the wonderful weather along with our sunburns?

I will be staying at a hotel tomorrow evening, so it should be easier to log my Day 16 food that it was on the trip down. I am planning on being as good as possible, eating road trip food. I have my almonds, protein powder and plenty of water. Here's hopin'!

Breakfast
Oatmeal with 2 tbsp. mixed pomegranate, cranberries, slivered almonds and raw walnuts
2 cups black coffee

Lunch
Ham & Swiss Deli sandwich (I know, ham! But we were at friends and I didn't want to be rude!!)
About a tbsp each macaroni salad (vinegar based with broccoli), baked beans & potato salad
Coke Zero

Supper
Cod, half an order fries (again, holy cow) and maybe an 1/8th cup coleslaw (2 forkfuls

Skipped all snacks. Far from ideal.

Day 14

Still on vacation ... so things are a little out of sync. But keeping busy and trying to be as good as possible.

Breakfast
1/2 mango, 1/2 orange
2 cups coffee

Lunch
Turkey on whole wheat deli thin with mayo, lettuce & tomato
Handful potato chips

Supper
Grouper with side of fries and about a 1/4 c coleslaw
Unsweetened Iced Tea

Lots of water ... skipped all snacks. Just the way it worked out.

Day 13

Almost forgot. that would have been bad. And as it is late ... not going to write much more than the food.

Breakfast
Oatmeal w/ 2 tbsp mixed cranberries, pomegranate, raw walnuts & almond slivers
3 cups coffee, black

NO Mid-Morning Snack

Lunch
Turkey on whole grain thin roll with lettuce & tomato

Mid-Afternoon Snacksmall ice cream cone (yes, I am on vacation)

Dinner
1/2 c. rice, 2 teriyaki chicken spears, one spoonful of chicken with broccoli, 4 pieces veggie sushi, 2 orange slices, spoonful of fruit salad, half cup of cottage cheese mixed with mandarin oranges & Pineapple

Day 12, 13, 14 FAIL!

I managed to lose my streak. It wasn't intentional, but I was completely unable to log on for the past 3 days. On Friday, I was busy from sun up to sun down. I did manage to write it all down on my paper journal, with every intention of entering it that night. Somewhere around 11:30pm I finally got into bed and as I lay there thinking about all the things I would have to do in the morning, I remembered I never logged my food. Knowing it was written down, I decided to not get back up, log on and enter the food. I figured I would apologize profusely, then enter it along with Saturday's accounting. I had to get up Saturday at 4:00am, to be on the road for South Carolina by 4:30am. Sleep was a higher priority.

The only problem is, I rushed out Saturday morning and left the food journal at home, on my coffee table. Joy and happiness. I realized this Saturday evening, at 11:30pm as I lie in bed at my cousins house, exhausted beyond belief from a stressful, 15 hour drive. I hadn't even unpacked my computer, so I wasn't about to go out to the car and grab it in order to log in 2 days of food. I couldn't even think straight at that point. FAIL.

So, bring on Sunday and the final leg of my journey to Florida. We left SC around noon, with the hope of reaching our destination at 10:00pm. Bathroom breaks, gas refills, leg stretching (Ian wanted a picture at each state line ... great idea, a little too time consuming when crunched!), bad traffic for no known reason ... we finally arrived at my mother's home at 11:45pm, again exhausted beyond belief. Even after a relaxing day today, and an unheard of nap this afternoon, I am still fried.

So, I propose that I just start at Day 12 as today, forget the past 3 days (as they are mostly forgotten anyway, I remember bits and pieces, but not everything ... and I am tired!) and give you today's food. The lesson I have learned is that even the best laid plans can be disrupted by a crazy nearly-9 year old, a dog, and a long road trip.

So here's (the new) day 12:

Breakfast
1 svg. oatmeal with 2 tbsp mixed dried cranberries, pomegranate seeds, raw walnuts and slivered almonds
2 cups black coffee

Mid-Morning Snack
1 svg. roasted almonds

Lunch
Grilled chicken wrap with lettuce and tomato
Small French Fry (baaaad girl!)
Diet Coke

No Mid-Afternoon Snack (but I did go swimming!)

Supper
Green salad with lettuce, tomato, onion, cucumber and 1 tbsp Italian vinaigrette
6 large shrimp (so the say, not really all that large), grilled on skewers with bell pepper, onion, cherry tomato, broccoli and 3 total baby red potatoes

I'm hungry right now, not surprising as I skipped my afternoon snack ... but, you see ... I fell asleep on a chair in the living room after swimming. I was THAT tired. Figure that the skipping of the snack helps the calorie deficit after the fries at lunch.

Day 11

Has it really only been 11 days? It seems like so much longer, since I started keeping track of everything ... and boring you with the details. Tonight I sit here, hungry, but determined. 19 days more to go on this particular challenge. On March 1st I will also be starting the 10,000 swings in 30 days challenge. I talked that over with Coach Dom this morning and he thinks it is a great idea and can only help build my strength for the competition at the end of the month ... not detract from it.

In 2 weeks I will be heading to Columbus for the Arnold Sports Expo. I won't reach my goal weight by then, but I am learning to forgive my body for not obeying me. Actually, I am learning to forgive it for its outright disrespect for my wishes. What else can I do? Beating it doesn't work. Torture via starvation doesn't work. Maybe forgiveness will.

In the meantime ... here's my relatively spot on day.

Breakfast
1 svg. oatmeal, 1 tbsp. flaxseed, 1 tbsp. wheat germ, & 1 tbsp raisins
2 cups coffee

Mid-Morning Snack
1/2 c. 1% cottage cheese
1/2 c. mandarin oranges

Lunch
chicken breast on a whole wheat bun with chipotle mustard, lettuce & tomato

Mid-Afternoon Snack
1 oz. almonds
1 oz. craisins

Dinner
4 oz grilled chicken breast
6 small stalks asparagus
1/2 c. brown rice

Day 10

I just finished watching the last season of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" with my husband. As Chris said, it took him 8 years to get closure, but closure he finally got. I watched the series season finale as it happened. Chris, however was otherwise occupied with beating back the big bad in Iraq, instead of watching Buffy beat back the big bad First Evil. It was our guilty pleasure back then. I remember feeling even more sure that Chris was "the one" when, early in our dating relationship he admitted to enjoying the antics of the Slayer and her gang. Gotta love a Marine who can admit to watching a show about a chick named Buffy. Granted, a kick-ass, MMA-qualified, savior of the world chick named Buffy, but still ...

I don't know why I am sharing this particular glimpse into my life. Maybe its because it underlines my love of a strong, powerful female character. I am drawn to hard rock voiced by girly singers. I strive to build a tougher physique, no soft girly-girl am I.

Maybe I am just writing because it is the last thing I saw before sitting down to account for my food.

Who knows? But if you are looking for inspiration in the form of pop-culture, that last apocolypse-avoiding season of Buffy is definitely worth a look-see.

Now on to the food ...

Breakfast
1 svg oatmeal with 1 tbsp flax seed ground, 1 tbsp wheat germ & 1 tbsp raisins
2 cups coffee

Mid-Morning Snack
1 skinny latte
1 svg almonds

Lunch
3-oz grilled chicken, on lettuve with tomato, red onion, 2 tbsp chickpeas, 1 tbsp goat feta, 2 tbsp pepperoncini's, cucumber, spray style light italian dressing

Mid-Afternoon Snack
1 Skinny Latte (I was really tired today)
10 cherry tomatoes

Dinner
Lettuce with leftover venison taco meat (about 1/2 c), tomatoes, onion & salsa

Day 9

Hate to say it, but I just don't have much to write tonight. Besides the food, that is. Still contemplating the 10k swings in 30 days challenge. No decisions yet.

Breakfast
4 egg whites, 1 100 calorie english muffin, toasted
2 cups coffee, black

No Morning Snack

Lunch
Leftover turkey burger on whole wheat bun with small amount of ketchup & mustard

Mid-Afternoon Snack
1 svg raisins, 1/4 cup raw walnut halves

Dinner
1/2 cup low-carb spaghetti with Meat & Tomato Sauce (venison)

Day 8

Happy Valentine's Day!

Breakfast
1 svg oatmeal with 1 tbsp flax seed, ground & 1 tbsp wheat germ & 1 tbsp raisins
2 cups coffee, black

Mid-Morning Snack
1/2 c. 1% Cottage Cheese with 1/2 c. no sugar added mandarin oranges

Lunch
Roasted brussel sprouts, roasted fennel, 1/2 c. whole wheat pasta, sun dried tomatoes, splash of balsamic vinegar
(Where was the protein, you ask? Well, I had chicken to eat ... but I ran out of time! I was eating in the car as I drove to tutor in reading ... and I was running so far behind schedule that I failed to eat the chicken. Bad girl!)

Mid-Afternoon Snack
1/2 c. vanilla greek yogurt

Supper
4-oz roasted chicken breast
1 c. steamed broccoli
2 steamed baby red potatoes

2 cups herbal tea

10,000 Swings in 30 Days?

Wanna hear about something intense? I read a blog the other day, well article, about a crazy kettlebell challenge. 10,000 swings in 30 days. That's roughly 333 swings per day, if you don't take a single day off. Huh. Wanna read about it?

http://www.nofearfitness.com/articles/10000-swing-challenge.php

If you are not a swinger, you don't really know how intense this could be. Yesterday was a pretty intense kettlebell workout ... and only a small portion of it was aimed at swings. In fact, only a small portion was aimed at upper body. We did a lot of lower body stuff. Mini-squats, calf raises (bumps), farmers walks ... butt stuff. However, the swings, jerks and cleans we did do, leave me with happily wasted shoulders. How shredded would my arms be if I accomplished a mission of 10,000 swings (mixing one handed and two handed) in 30 days?!

It's very tempting. It would be over and above, in addition to all the other training I do. It would be what I do at night as I relax watching a TV show. As Coach Jen said yesterday, it would be the fun part of the night, with a glass of red on the table and a 16kg KB swinging away. As I said ... I'm tempted.

I'm looking for ways to up my output, without logging more time at the actual gym. Sure ... I love being there. But I love being home, too, and sometimes I feel overwhelmed when I spend all of my time out and about and none of it here. My "down time" is not at night, when Chris & Ian are here. It's in the afternoon, just after lunch, when I can turn on reruns of Grey's Anatomy and completely chill out my brain. I don't even have to pay attention, cuz I already know what happens next. I can't sleep during the day (nap), but this is the next best thing. What if I incorporated a few hundred swings into that time? It's pretty brainless for me.

What if?

I can't start now, not with a big trip to FL coming up in less than a week. But I could start March 1st. I plan on taking my KB's with me to OH (Arnold's are right around the corner, March 3-6) ... Toni and Maureen will keep me on track and not let me off the hook.

In that link I put above, the writer has some very convincing arguments for attempting the challenge. "How does a smaller butt, slimmer hips, a flat stomach, thinner thighs, unreal strength endurance and increased overall strength sound to ya?" Why, that sounds real good, Lisa. Really, really good.

Gonna give it a little more thought, but I am seriously leaning in that direction ... and oh what a challenge it will be.

By the way, bought a couple of new t-shirts, just waiting for them to arrive. I needed some cotton inspiration. The first is here:

kettlebell: because you might need to lift a car tee shirts from Zazzle.com

And the 2nd (my favorite, although I need to use discretion in where I wear this one) is here:

UNLEASH YOUR SKINNY BITCH SHIRT from Zazzle.com

Purchased both at Zazzle.com. They have LOTS of other designs, in case you might want to go looking for your own cotton inspiration.

Ok, that's enough for today. I have these torn up hands to wrap before my KB class today. No rest. Not even for damaged goods.

(I welcome your thoughts on the 10,000 swings in 30 days challenge ...)

Day 7

Killer kettlebell workout today. Tore my left hand up again, but not as bad as the first time, so I will live. For the low reps/high weight portion, I was able to go up another weight class. I bet I'll be feeling that tomorrow! Today was a good day, mostly because I didn't have time to screw it up. It's amazing how many chores you can accomplish when you don't have to spend the day focused on football. (This is a family that loves itself some football.)

I feel I have been cheating myself of real writing time by dropping these quick little blurbs, then listing the days food intake. The trouble is, I do my real creative writing in the mornings ... these food accountings have to be written at night, after all food is consumed. At night, just before I go to bed, when my creative brain has already zoned out and gone to sleep.

So, this is just another accounting ... but I will try to write a little more, in the mornings, that is more reflective and fun to read. I'll try.

Breakfast
1 svg oatmeal with 1 tbsp. wheat germ and 1 tbsp. flax seed, ground
2 cups coffee

Mid-morning Snack
1/2 apple
protein shake made with skim milk

Lunch
leftover chicken stir fry, no rice

Dinner
Turkey burger patty on a whole wheat bun with mustard
1 c. green beans

Day 6

Today was a bit more difficult, as my husband and son took me out to dinner in early celebration of Valentine's Day. We went to one of our favorite restaurants, Shamrock Jack's. I tried to prepare for the evening by eating light early, and having an extra tough workout. Dinner was wonderful, time with my family was even more so.

Breakfast
2 Wheatabix, 1 c. skim milk, 1 tbsp. sucanat

Mid-Morning Snack (pre-workout)
2 clementines

Lunch
3 oz grilled chicken, lettuce, cherry tomatoes (6), splash of balsamic vinegar

No Mid-afternoon snack

Dinner
6 oz broiled haddock, 1 baked potato, lettuce salad with shredded cabbage, carrots, onion & tomato, about 2 tsp. bleu cheese crumbles and maybe a tbsp italian vinagrette, 1 pint of Guinness and 2 bites of peanut butter pie.

Day 5

I was disappointed with the scale this morning, but refused to let it control my day. My weigh in date is not actually until Tuesday anyway ... so forgetting what is behind and moving on to what is before.

Breakfast
Wheatena, 1 tbsp flax seed, ground, 1 tbsp wheat germ

Mid-Morning Snack
100 cal pack raw almonds, 100 cal pack craisins, 1 skim milk latte with SF cinnamon flavor

Lunch
About 2 cups lettuce, 4 oz grilled chicken, 1 tbsp feta, grape tomatoes (7), red onion, 2 tbsp chickpeas, 2 tbsp ff vinaigrette

Mid-Afternoon Snack
1/2 c. mandarin oranges
1/2 c. 1% cottage cheese

Supper
lettuce with about 2/3 c. ground venison with taco seasoning, onion, tomato & salsa

Day 4

Today was a good day. I am physically exhausted, of course, as Thursday's are heavy workout days. But I feel good. That's the word for the day I guess ... good. So. here's the food for your perusal.

Breakfast
Farina with 1 tbsp. wheat germ and 1 tbsp. ground flax seed
2 clementines
2 cups coffee

Mid-Morning Snack
Protein shake made with Jay Robb chocolate protein powder and 1 c. unsweetend coconut milk
100% Organic Go Raw Banana "Bread" Flax Bar (120 cals, 5g fat, 15g carbs [6g dietary fiber, 9g sugars], 4g protein)

Lunch
Salad made with lettuce, grilled chicken, 1/4c. chickpeas, cucumbers, tomato, red onion and 2 tbsp. FF Greek dressing which was AWFUL and will not be used again.

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Handful of cherry tomatoes and 1 50 cal. Cabot cheese brick

Supper
2/3 c. ground venison with taco seasoning on a bed of lettuce with tomatoes, onion, and hot salsa

Day 3

Crazy busy day. Tomorrow will be another one. I don't have a lot to comment on this one. My original plan was to grill a piece of chicken and have it on lettuce for supper. However, by the time I got home from my son's karate class and realized that the lettuce in the fridge was beyond wilted, I decided it was better to go with leftovers. I prefer not to have carbs at night, but I tried to keep it at a minimum ... and am happy to have the fridge cleaned out of leftovers a bit more.

Day 4, here I come.

Breakfast
4 egg whites cooked in olive oil spray on a whole wheat bagel thin
2 cups coffee

Mid-Morning Snack
2 clementines
Protein shake (chocolate Jay Robb Protein Powder mixed with 8-oz cocnut *milk*)

Supplements: Fish Oil (3000 mg), SuperCissus (2400 mg), Multivitamin with extra iron, St. John's Wort, Meloxicam (for arthritic pain)

Lunch
1 svg "In a Pinch Chicken Chili" with 1/2 c. brown rice

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Handful (Maybe 2/3 cup?) cherry tomatoes, 1 single svg 50 Cal Cabot Cheese brick

Supper
1/2 cup whole wheat penne w/marinara (leftover sauce, had to be used up)

Day 2

Day 2 was going pretty well up and until my mid-afternoon snack time. Apparently, I need to eat a little more at lunch time, as I was starved by the time I got home from the gym. With exactly 5 minutes to grab something and run back out the door, carrots didn't seem to be enough. I wanted substance and sitting right there at the front of the fridge was my little container of the healthier no-bake cookies I made several days ago. I grabbed and ran, only feeling guilty about it after they were gone. Tomorrow I will plan better. Period.

For the record, I pushed myself extra hard at my spin class a couple of hours ago to try and make up for it. Still, my goal here is to keep as healthy as I can and those, albeit better than a lot of other things I could have grabbed, were not the best nutritional bang for my buck.

Kitchen closed, done for the night.

Breakfast
1 svg steel cut oatmeal with 1 tbsp ground flax seed & 1 tbsp wheat germ
2 cups black coffee

Mid-Morning Snack
1/2 c. No-Sugar added Mandarin Oranges
1 single svg ff vanilla Greek Yogurt(Brown Cow version, 110 cal/svg)

Supplements: Fish oil (3000 mg), Super Cissus Joint Formula (2400 mg), multi vitamin with extra iron, St. John's Wort, Meloxicam (for arthritic swelling)

Lunch
1 svg "In a Pinch Chicken Chili" (265 Cals)

Mid-Afternoon Snacks
2 Healthy Cookie Snacks (I know, not a good choice)

Dinner
4-oz. lean chicken breast stir fried with 2 cups mixed fresh veggies (bok choy, broccoli, carrots, onion, garlic)
1/2 c. brown rice

Supplements: Fish oil (3000 mg), Super Cissus Joint Formula (2400 mg), St. John's Wort

Day 1

All in all, my first day of my "30 Day Challenge" did not go too badly. There was this moment, just after lunch, as I was running out the door to my son's school (I am a reading tutor on Monday's) when I nearly snatched a cookie. I thought to myself "Go upstairs, finish getting changed and come back down. If you still want that cookie, then by all means have it then." By the time I came back down, I was resolved that no way would I falter on the FIRST DAY of my very own challenge. {Patting self on back.}

Admittedly, I am quite hungry right now as I sit typing this. however, the kitchen is closed. Leftovers have been put away, kitchen is cleaned and I am no longer welcome. So I sit here, sipping my water, resolved that I have finished all eating and it is safe to send out an accounting of my daily food intake.

One day down. 29 to go.

Breakfast
1 svg Farina with 1 tbsp ground flax seed and 1 tbsp wheat germ
2 cups coffee, black, 16 oz water
Supplements: fish oil, Super Cissus (Joint Formula), St John's Wort, Multi-vitamin with extra iron

Mid-Morning Snack1/2 cup no sugar added mandarin oranges
1/2 cup 1% Cottage Cheese

Post workout "I'm gonna die if I don't eat something" snack
100 calorie pack of almonds

Lunch
Greek Salad with grilled chicken, 2 tbsp RF feta, 2 Greek olives (smallish, grape tomatoes, cucumbers, red onion, pepperoncini's, lotsa lettuce and 2 tbsp RF Greek Salad Dressing

Mid-Afternoon Snack2 single serving packets of baby cut carrots (25 calories each)
1 Skim sugar free hazelnut latte

Dinner
3.5 oz grilled cod with Cajun spices
10 spears asparagus
1/2 c. steamed green beans with almond slivers
Supplements: fish oil, Super Cissus (Joint Formula), St John's Wort

30 Days

About once a week I am invited to join some sort of challenge, most of which are the 30 Day variety. So far, none have really been conducive to my lifestyle or physical needs. Cleanse? Not with my workout schedule, no thank you. Paleo? I wish I could, but I know from experience that if I eliminate carbs that drastically from my diet, I turn into a bumbling, brainless, homicidal maniac. I like life outside of cells, so I simply can't walk that path. ABs? Run a 10k? 50 push ups in a minute? You get the idea. It seems that almost anything can be accomplished if you dedicate 30 days time to it.

In my most humble of opinions, accomplishing anything in a mere 30 days is probably a bit of a stretch, but I do believe that dedicating to something for that long is highly beneficial. It creates a habit. If you are a writer and you dedicate yourself to writing one chapter every day for 30 days, chances are you will have a hefty volume for editing at the end of that time. And maybe even a completed novel. (Learning anything yet, Christina?!) If you dedicate 30 days to working out consistently, with a smart plan in place, you will see marked results at the end of the allotted time. If you dedicate yourself to a particular eating plan for 30 days, you will see weight loss. (Unless it's the chocolate cookie/cake/fudge plan. Oddly, that doesn't work so well!) Dedicated budgeting and money saving. Dedicated learning. Whatever it is, if you decide to give it 100% of your effort for the allotted time, there will be measurable results at the end.

I also like that there is an end in sight. Let's face it, if you are staring at a really huge long term goal, staying motivated to reach it can be difficult. When the end is so far away that you can no longer see it, taking rest stops becomes very enticing. However, when you are climbing a mountain and you can see the crest just ahead, it's much easier to put your head down and power up the last steps, no matter how tired you are.

Today I begin Christina's personal 30 day challenge. I will eat clean every day for the next 30, even with a trip to Florida coming up in 2 weeks. Here's the real kicker ... the real challenge, for me. I will blog every day of the challenge and within the body of that blog, I will include an account of the foods I ate that day. This way, friends and readers can hold me accountable for this 30 day challenge. (It should be noted that when I write "eat clean" I am not talking Paleo clean, but Body Builder clean. Grains are a part of my healthy world.)

In a little over 6 weeks I have my Kettlebell exhibition tournament. Getting my workouts in is not going to be a problem, so I am not adding that into the challenge. Keeping it at just my food and my blogging will be plenty. Maybe the next challenge can be physical.

I have two goals I hope to accomplish in this challenge. The first is to get back into the habit of being accountable for what I eat. I need to keep things super clean for a while to get my body back into peak functioning form. My second goal is to hopefully nudge some of these more stubborn pounds off. Eating foods that my body can use efficiently causes it to store much less .. and that during those heavy workouts, the body will set about burning off the fat stores it already has.I'm not putting a final number on the end of the 30 days, because when you have plateaued as long as I have, that's just discouraging. But if I can stay true to my challenge, accountable for every bite, I should see real results just in time for the Arnold. And that will be reward enough for me!

“Accept the challenges so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory.” ~General George S. Patton~

Individual

There is a current marketing spot, I believe for Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig, which is making its rounds on the commercial circuit. While images of 2 girls flash through various stages of life, the voice-over discusses how even though they may grow up in identical circumstance, walk very similar paths in life, no two person's bodies are the same. No two people share the same metabolism ... insinuating that no 2 people will respond identically to a weight loss program and therefore it needs to be tailored to each individual.

This marketing campaign fulfilled at least one if its goals ... it got me thinking. Not about Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig or whatever other weight loss program it might have been touting. It got me thinking about individuality in relation to fitness and weight loss. Cookie cutter programs simply are not going to work long term, no matter how much this multi-million dollar industry wants you to believe so.

However, this concept doesn't apply only to "commercial" programs, such as WW or JC. It applies to the silly diet's, such as those involving cabbage soup, grapefruit, detox teas or whatever. It also applies to the serious programs, those based upon really solid nutritional advice. Those programs like The Eat Clean Diet (which I am a huge fan of), the Paleo Plan, The Mediterranean Diet, South Beach, Atkins (which I am NOT a huge fan of), etc. and so forth. They all work for a while, and most likely they will all work for everybody ... for a while.

At some point, the metabolism switches, the resolve and willpower diminishes, the body and mind stop responding. And that's when each individual person must dig deeper and find that something extra inside, that thing that reignites his metabolism, that reinvigorates her willpower. That is when the individual has to come back into play and figure out what works for him or her.

Here's what I know about me:

1. I get really bored eating the same things all the time and I will either a) quit eating or I will b) cheat.

2. I can't go "carb free". It makes my brain fuzzy, it makes me a stark, raving, bitch. (Sorry for the bad language, but it's the truth.)

3. My body doesn't respond to monotony in caloric intake. Meaning, I need to change it up every couple of days to keep the metabolism firing on all cylinders. If I eat exactly 1300 calories every day for weeks on end, my body will adjust and maintain. If I eat 900 calories every day, my body will adjust and maintain. If I eat more, say 1500 calories, my body will adjust and ... gain. Sad, huh?

4. The type and quality of calories matter a lot. 100 calories of apple will be used wisely by this little machine I call my body. 100 calorie snack pack of chocolate covered pretzels will not be used wisely, or used at all, and will be stored as fat. I am assuming until my body can figure out what to do with it. Nutrient rich food contains *data* this machine is familiar with and knows how to use. Nutrient deficient junky snack foods it treats like SPAM and throws into a "fat file" to be perused later, when I am trying to figure out why my computer (body) is running so slowly.

5. I need to allow myself the opportunity to cheat (treat myself) once in a while. I take it very personally that I am not "allowed" to have a glass or 2 of red wine with my husband once a week. It makes me feel deprived, but even more than that, it makes me feel ... juvenile. Like Mommy & Daddy are telling me I can't do something I already earned the right to do. And that makes me rebellious. Kinda like, well, if I am gonna get in trouble, I might as well do it really well. EARN my punishment. So if I am "dying" for that glass of wine, piece of cheese, slice of cake, I should allow myself a small glass, a bite, a taste ... rather than depriving and then going back later to binge in rebellion.

There's a lot more I am sure that I will learn about myself. But most importantly, it s that I am me, not Monica Brant, not Maureen, not Coach Dom ... ME. I can't expect my body to respond like anyone else's, and I need to be the biggest expert on "me" that there is.

“Every person is the creation of himself, the image of his own thinking and believing. As individuals think and believe, so they are.” ~Claude M. Bristol~

Push

I don't wanna. I wanna sleep. I wanna eat what I wanna eat. I wanna shop. I wanna relax, watch a show, catch a snooze, eat a bon bon. I wanna ...

But I can't.

I have to push. I have to push through this haze of indifference. This fog of frustration. Push past the limitations created within me, into the place where there are no limitations at all.

I was not created to be weak. I was, however, created with limitations. Did God put them there to build my character? Did He want me to learn humility? Did He want me to learn how to go farther than I,or anyone else, ever thought I could?

Push through the impossible, into the unimaginable. Catch a glimpse of that place that seems so far away. Become inspired by the vision of what the future can hold ... if I can only get past the gate of today.

The gate is locked, but by sheer strength of determination and perseverance I will bust it open. I will keep pushing against it, with all of my force, all of my will, all of ME, until the lock has no choice but to give. No choice but to break wide open and grant me access to that which one shove before was unattainable.

I can get past this. I can push past anything that gets in between me and my dreams. There is no obstacle I can not overcome. No wall I can not breach. I AM perseverance and I will not be deterred. I am the steady flow of the river that carved greatness through a mountain impasse. Nothing can stand in my way, as long as I push through with perseverance. And patience.

“People of mediocre ability sometimes achieve outstanding success because they don't know when to quit. Most men succeed because they are determined to.” ~George Allen~

"The man who can drive himself further once the effort gets painful is the man who will win." ~Roger Bannister~

"Follow your dream...take one step at a time and don't settle for less, just continue to climb. Follow your dream...if you stumble, don't stop and lose sight of your goal, press on to the top...For only on top can we see the whole view, can we see what we've done and what we can do, can we then have the vision to seek something new...Press on, and follow your dream." ~Amanda Bradley~

"Studies indicate that the one quality all successful people have is persistence." ~Joyce Brothers~

"It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop." ~Confucius~

Me

I was feeling a bit sorry for myself yesterday. Driving home from kettlebell competition class, I was thinking about my "friendless" state. Actually, I guess that is quite literal ... I really don't have very many friends ... in THIS state. New York. What set it off was the distinct impression I have that one of the other members of the KB group doesn't like me. Sadly, of all the people, she's the one I want to like me the most.

Rather like a little puppy, I am. Playing around at your feet, biting at your toes, barking for your attention. Then when you tire of me, and kick me away, I can't understand what I did wrong. Imagine me today, sitting, head tilted to one side with a wounded look on my little face. So ugly its cute ... a face only a mother could love ... yeah, you get my drift. Feeling VERY sorry for myself.

I'm not easy to love. I think I come to this conclusion every couple of years, around this time. Then I initiate a huge renovation project on myself, to become just the exact sort of person you, he, they, anyone ... might long to have as a friend. Trouble is, it can't last for too long because its not ... me. This year, maybe its age, I am simply disinclined to try and be something else for everybody else. I'm too old. I just want to be me.

I have some good qualities, which become evident once you do take upon yourself the challenge of being my friend. I am loyal to a fault. I am quite fair minded, more than willing to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. There is, after all, at least 2 sides to every story. I can be fun. I have an interesting mind, creative at times, intense at others, but full of compelling thoughts and stories. Did I say I'm loyal? I've got your back and you want me on your side in a fight.

But the bad, the part that puts people off, I think, too often overshadows the good. I am outspoken and extremely opinionated. I am a know-it-all. I do know quite a bit, I read incessantly and research most everything I am interested in so that I can carry on intelligent conversation. Unfortunately, this underscores the "know-it-all". I have a quick temper, but have learned to control it most of the time. Still, the tightening of the eyes and mouth are a dead give-away. Kind of like watching the life get choked out of someone, I expect. I am an introvert. Surprised? That's because I have spent so much time trying to chameleon myself to the people around me. I am horrible at small talk, and when I attempt, I usually end up making an ass of myself. I am completely un-PC. I don't mean to be offensive ... I just don't think before I speak. I would never intentionally hurt someones feelings, which is why I lie awake kicking myself many nights as I remember conversational missteps. I am not prejudiced at ALL, which is probably why I make so many non-politically correct statements. It simply doesn't even occur to me. Until its too late.

So for all those reasons above, I am truly sorry to every person I ever meet. If you can get past all that, then hopefully you will see that my heart is good and I am not nearly as uncool as I appear. Not nearly as awkward once you get to know me.

I am still in a renovation project, only this year its not about the inside of me, so much as the outside. And its not at all about making myself into someone that you might like, but rather about fulfilling the potential inside of me to become someone that I am proud of. Someone that I like. I do "like" myself most of the time ... but I am not always proud of myself, or of the choices I have made. I am trying to fix that. In the meantime, I am probably still gonna be a dork and say the wrong things at the wrong times.

I hope the girl in the KB group (she's an instructor, by the way) will be able to see past the outward, awkward, bumbling little puppy that is me and come to respect the humble, dorky, strong, hard-working she-dog (just can't bring myself to type another bad word, but you can insert another name for she-dog here) that I am.

"It is a truism to say that the dog is largely what his master makes of him: he can be savage and dangerous, untrustworthy, cringing and fearful; or he can be faithful and loyal, courageous and the best of companions and allies." ~Sir Ranulph Fiennes~

Act Like a Duck

I am a fan of Grey's Anatomy. I know, I know .. it's kind of melodramatic fluff ... but snappy dialogue, real-life medical issues and fun characters have kept me glued the screen ever since the big bomb-scare episode that ran directly after Super Bowl a few years back. Recently, I saw a rerun of an episode in which Alex claims he is "acting like a duck". In a nutshell, he's not known for being a great, mature, monogamous guy in relationships, but he figured if he started acting like one, after enough time he might actually become one. In other words, if he acted like a duck long enough, he might start quacking. Of course, those words have resonated with me over the past week.

Act like a duck.

I am not a body builder. I am not a perfect specimen of fitness. I don't even look all that much like an avid exerciser. But if I act like one long enough, maybe I will start to quack. I want to be all of these things. I long for the physique, the stamina of a professional athlete. I know that I will probably not ever be one. However, if I start acting like one, start eating like one, maybe I will truly to start to look like one.

Yesterday, I rushed home after church to change into workout clothes, threw some chopped up chicken breast and green beans in a bowl and dashed out the door for the kettlebell class. On the way, I balanced the bowl on my lap, eating as I drove, listening to Eminem blasting through my speakers. The thought came from no where "Yep, I'm THAT girl. I AM the girl that eats crappy food just because it is nutrient rich fuel and will get me the physique I want. I AM the girl who makes her family switch up its routine just so she can make a specific class. I AM that crazy chick."

Of course, I'm not always that chick. Sometimes I am the girl who whines because she wants to have cake, too. Who complains that it's not fair she doesn't get to enjoy eating anymore. Often, I am the girl who can be heard retching pathetically when Maureen starts talking about eating tuna more often. But if I want to look like those people whose physique I admire, I need to eat like them, too. No amount of exercise can make up for it. A great body is built in the kitchen. It gets tuned up at the gym.

That's not to say that I am going to constantly eat things that disgust me. I actually love chicken breast and green beans. Just not at 10:00am, lukewarm from a bowl on my lap as I drive. I don't like tuna, but I think I can handle it a few times a week. It IS just fuel. I learned yesterday that if I just bake a sweet potato and use a little butter spray and sea salt, I can stomach those as well. Tosca's eating plan has me eating one every single day, but I think I can substitute beets or rutabaga in occasionally, instead. I have also learned that oatmeal, farina & millet can all be eaten plain, without sweeteners or fruit and be quite tasty.

I can't have my cake and eat it, too. If I want to have a great physique, I simply must fuel my body with foods that are clean and nutrient rich. If I want to eat cake, I have to forgo my desire to have that great physique. Yes, for those who are panicking WITH me right now, there will be cheats eventually, down the road. Rewards for making certain goals. Carrots hanging past certain obstacles to make me hurdle them faster and with less complaint. But ultimately it is a choice. Do I want to have that great body? Or do I want to eat the cake?

QUACK!

"Tell me what you eat, I'll tell you who you are." ~Anthelme Brillat-Savarin~

Kettle-what?

Today was the first day of my "Competition Kettlebell Training" class. It was a fantastic workout, but luckily, this week anyway, no more difficult than my regular hour long class on Mondays, nor my private training session on Thursdays. I expect that will change, as there was a lot of info to get out today.

I've had a few people ask me what the heck kettlebell training is. I've directed them to the ROC Boxing website, as well as encouraged a hefty google search. In fact, one really good basic article can be found at:

http://www.kettlebell.net/articles/what-is-a-kettlebell .

I thought that I might share what Kettlebell is for ME today, as that definition is considerably different. I mean, I work out in the weight room regularly ... why is this much of a change? Why do I need to add yet another *thing* to my crazy fitness agenda? I guess if I need to sum it up in one word, it would be:

COMPETITION.

Let's face it, I am not a spring chicken any more. If I had been a more diligent runner or biker in my younger years, I might be a more competitive racer today. Maybe, if I had started boxing while in my twenties, I might be able to hold my own effectively in a ring. However, starting in my mid-life (How the heck did I get here, already?!) renders me fairly ineffective, competitively, in most sports.

And I need to compete.

Kettlebell offers me a way to compete, with a chance at actually being competitive, even though am starting late. It's tailor made for my muscular structure. It's also a pretty good fit for my ability to zone out and just keep going until the body stops working. Top that off with the cherry I call "Fun Factor" and you have a pretty perfect little workout plan.

As I mentioned New Year's Eve, they have kettlebell competitions at the Arnold. Give me a year, and I might actually be able to attend as a competitor, rather than an awe-struck fan. Certainly won't find me entering any power-lifting or bikini-fitness competitions, but with kettlebell I stand a ghost of a chance.

Part of the competition class is entering at a certain weight, which means setting a goal weight and hitting it within 12 weeks, when we actually compete. This means no more latte's, or a dip with a chip on Super Bowl Sunday. I have decided to give Tosca Reno's Clean Eating program a try. I have followed my own (or rather Maureen's, then a combination of both of ours) clean eating regimen for over a year. Following Tosca's plan simply takes the guesswork out of the equation for me. Less work, less thinking. Just eat what she says. For those of you familiar with the plan, I am following the Cooler 1 plan, at least for the 1st month (It is recommended that you only follow this plan for 1-2 weeks. However, as it is very close to the eating plan I have already been following, I feel it's OK to extend it a bit.)

Summing it up, Kettlebell offers me a chance to train for a competition, actually be competitive and gives me a goal with a finish line, forcing me to be consistent and diligent.

“A competitive world offers two possibilities. You can lose. Or, if you want to win, you can change.”