Rather like a little puppy, I am. Playing around at your feet, biting at your toes, barking for your attention. Then when you tire of me, and kick me away, I can't understand what I did wrong. Imagine me today, sitting, head tilted to one side with a wounded look on my little face. So ugly its cute ... a face only a mother could love ... yeah, you get my drift. Feeling VERY sorry for myself.
I'm not easy to love. I think I come to this conclusion every couple of years, around this time. Then I initiate a huge renovation project on myself, to become just the exact sort of person you, he, they, anyone ... might long to have as a friend. Trouble is, it can't last for too long because its not ... me. This year, maybe its age, I am simply disinclined to try and be something else for everybody else. I'm too old. I just want to be me.
I have some good qualities, which become evident once you do take upon yourself the challenge of being my friend. I am loyal to a fault. I am quite fair minded, more than willing to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. There is, after all, at least 2 sides to every story. I can be fun. I have an interesting mind, creative at times, intense at others, but full of compelling thoughts and stories. Did I say I'm loyal? I've got your back and you want me on your side in a fight.
But the bad, the part that puts people off, I think, too often overshadows the good. I am outspoken and extremely opinionated. I am a know-it-all. I do know quite a bit, I read incessantly and research most everything I am interested in so that I can carry on intelligent conversation. Unfortunately, this underscores the "know-it-all". I have a quick temper, but have learned to control it most of the time. Still, the tightening of the eyes and mouth are a dead give-away. Kind of like watching the life get choked out of someone, I expect. I am an introvert. Surprised? That's because I have spent so much time trying to chameleon myself to the people around me. I am horrible at small talk, and when I attempt, I usually end up making an ass of myself. I am completely un-PC. I don't mean to be offensive ... I just don't think before I speak. I would never intentionally hurt someones feelings, which is why I lie awake kicking myself many nights as I remember conversational missteps. I am not prejudiced at ALL, which is probably why I make so many non-politically correct statements. It simply doesn't even occur to me. Until its too late.
So for all those reasons above, I am truly sorry to every person I ever meet. If you can get past all that, then hopefully you will see that my heart is good and I am not nearly as uncool as I appear. Not nearly as awkward once you get to know me.
I am still in a renovation project, only this year its not about the inside of me, so much as the outside. And its not at all about making myself into someone that you might like, but rather about fulfilling the potential inside of me to become someone that I am proud of. Someone that I like. I do "like" myself most of the time ... but I am not always proud of myself, or of the choices I have made. I am trying to fix that. In the meantime, I am probably still gonna be a dork and say the wrong things at the wrong times.
I hope the girl in the KB group (she's an instructor, by the way) will be able to see past the outward, awkward, bumbling little puppy that is me and come to respect the humble, dorky, strong, hard-working she-dog (just can't bring myself to type another bad word, but you can insert another name for she-dog here) that I am.
"It is a truism to say that the dog is largely what his master makes of him: he can be savage and dangerous, untrustworthy, cringing and fearful; or he can be faithful and loyal, courageous and the best of companions and allies." ~Sir Ranulph Fiennes~
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