2 Arms

I have 2 arms again! Ok, I always had 2 arms ... and I still have one extremely lame one ... but I DO have the ability to take that sling off when I am at home, if I want. And, trust me on this one, it is like regaining a limb!! Certainly, there are still things, many, many things that I can not do ... but I can use both hands on the keyboard, I can use the punctuation and caps easily, I can fold clothes, I can wash dishes, I can pick up the house ... hmmmm ... maybe I should put the sling back on??

I am avowed to be the miraculous recovery for this particular surgery. Currently, I am off the pain meds, except one lowly little vicodin at night (which I think I can do away with tonight) and my Mobic for the swelling during the day (that's just one mega strength ibuprofen-type pill, for those not in the know). I forget once in a while and do things that cause the most horrible language to escape my lips ... but for the most part ... I am healing wonderfully. Now, if only I could regain a little more mobility and strength!

I have felt like a slug the past week and a half. I had every intention of getting to the gym starting last Monday. However, I never counted on the fact that I could not drive for a few weeks. I considered walking the 2 miles to the gym, doing some light cardio, then walking back ... but honestly, I rather thought 4 miles of walking on ice and snow in 30 degree weather just to get to the gym to sit on the recumbent bike because it was the least likely to pain me ... seemed a bit ... ludicrous?? The walking was the most dangerous part of all for me! So I opted to walk on my treadmill at home, did some walking lunges a couple of times, some stationary ones a couple of other times ... slept a lot. Considerably less working out than I am used to doing. I regain the right to drive my car on New Year's Eve ... and on that date I am meeting up with my trainer for a New Year's Eve workout, followed by a New Year's day kick off workout the next morning. Considering my slugfest state, that should be interesting.

Luckily, I only gained about a pound and a half, in spite of the fact that I have not worked as hard, not been as strictly following my food plans as I ought. I think that is God just being kind to me, truthfully. I am back on plan today, have already restarted journaling my food intake to monitor myself.

My momentum has definitely been impacted ... I get tired just thinking about getting back into my old routine ... but I do NOT want to quit on myself ... so, once again, I will do what I am supposed to and "fake it until I make it", waiting anxiously for the energy to spike and my exercise exuberance to kick back in. Admittedly, knowing how many more people will be at the gym for the next month or two, exhausts me as well ... but until I am rich and have my own in-home, state of the art fitness facility, I have to learn to share.

I know my excitement is there, somewhere, under the layers of pain and exhaustion I have been piling on the past couple of weeks, and its only a matter of digging down to get it some air before I will be running on all cylinders again. And at some time over the next several months, I will be able to do shoulder work again with BOTH arms. That is something to look forward to!

Caterpillar to Butterfly: "How do you become a butterfly?"
Butterfly: "You have to be willing to die."
Caterpillar: "Die?"
Butterfly: "Well, it feels like you're dying. But it really turns out to be a transformation to something better."

it has been too long

there may be a consesus out there that i have fallen ogg the fitness wagon, that i have given up on healthy eating, or that i have buried my head deeply under the covers with no intention of arising any time soon. none of these are true, yet all of them are ... a little.

first, my rotator cuff surgery went well. of my given scenarios, i ended up with the best case one ... which is fantastic as it means faster healing and supposedly less pain. still, i am one armed for at least 6 weeks, cannot drive for 2 weeks, and fairly reliant on my husband for everything from dressing to ponytail making, yeah ... that didnt go so well. i also have to type one handedm hence the lack of proper capitalization. still, knowing that my friend adam in nyc has been languishing over my lack of blog, i opted to do it this way, punctuation be darned.

working out is still impossible. i am currently trying to lower my vicodin intake from 2 pills every 6 hours to one every 4. i am not exactly happy about it, but vicodin scares me. pretty much anti-all drugs, so want to be med free asap. i am going to the gym tonight for some light cardio ... and if my stomach calms down enough, i may try some walking lunges.

i have not eaten poorly, but i have had trouble eating at all. i am hungry,but nothing is appetizing. i have been nauseus pretty much every waking moment since surgery. so, of course, my metabolism has done the whoa horsey and slowed to a crawl. i am up a little over a pound as of this morn. i am forcing myself to eat on plan today. hopefully it will kick me into high gear,

so, i am now exhausted and need a nap. sad, eh? not spell checking ... you get what you get. hopefully better, more intuitive blogs will follow soon.

Thoughts

I know it has been a while. I also know that I keep writing that, time and time again. Why is it so easy to put other things before ourselves?

OK, truth is, I haven't been putting much before myself, but I certainly have been putting everything before this particular blog! It's the holidays, so anyone who expects more is surely to be disappointed until January. Apologizing ahead of time for that!

Good news! I have lost 24 lbs as of this morning. Yay!

Bad news! I have to have surgery on my shoulder, December 17th. That's a week and a day from now. Think I can cram in a months worth of weights and cardio between now and then? Oh yeah ... and also finish ALL of my Christmas shopping, present wrapping ... and cook my meals ahead for at least 2 weeks so that I won't be stuck eating macaroni & cheese (my hubby's kitchen specialty) during the first few weeks of recovery. Think I can do it? LOL

It should be entertaining watching me try!

I titled this entry "Thoughts" because I have had a lot of them. It happens when you can't sleep at night well. Little things floating around in your mind. I try to sort them all out and compartmentalize them in my brain, but some still float around, unabated. Like this - Why are people mean?

I know, right? It's quite the ambiguous thought. Everyone is mean at sometime. With nice people, its not intentional. With others, the less nice, its just a way of being. Think of the most wonderful, kind human being you know ... wanna bet whether they have ever had a mean thought? I'd lay down money that they have ... its just that they have learned better how to control it. But what about those people who own the most lethal "legal" weapon? The acid tongue. The ones who know how to shred your self-esteem, your self-worth, your confidence with a single sentence? My favorite of these are the religiously righteous. They somehow believe they have the right to destroy your very soul, all in the self-stated attempt at saving it. These people are the ones that I ran away from before, when I was younger and not really sure yet of who God intended me to be. This type of person, with all their good intent, sent me racing to knock on the doors of Hell, enthusiastically. Luckily, I figured it out and I stopped knocking. But when I see it now, happening again to a young friend of mine ... I wonder anew ... WHY must we be mean? Can't we just be loving and allow God to be the Judge and Jury? We don't truly know the mind of God, we take guesses, but I certainly would not want to stand at judgement day and hear Him say that it was my vile, acid tongue that caused one of His children to lose faith and turn away.

Deep thought, huh?

Another thought ... I am so tired of people deciding what is best for me without taking my opinion into account. Mostly, this is happening on a national, political level. But I see it in other areas, too. I welcome opinions, I welcome advice, but if I decide its not the course of action that is best for my family or for myself, I hope that others can respect MY opinion and back off.

That thought is less developed. I am sure there are many more sleepless nights ahead of me, so I might be able to work on that one a bit more.

Here's an inane thought ... plain style Greek Yogurt IS OK as long as you add fresh blueberries.

My thoughts were just interrupted by a phone call, so I guess I will put this particular entry to bed. There's a workout waiting for me, anyway.

"The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgement." Proverbs 10:21

Will. Power.

Will (wil) n. 1. The mental faculty by which one deliberately chooses or decides upon a course of action; volition. 2. An instance of the exercising of will; choice. 3. Deliberate intention or wish. 4. The power to arrive at one's own decision and to act upon it independently in spite of opposition. 5.a. Determination; diligent purposefulness. b. Self control; self discipline.

Pow-er (pou'er) n. 1. The ability or capacity to act or perform effectively. 2. Strength or force exerted or capable of being exerted; might. 3. The ability or official capacity to exercise control; authority. 4. Forcefulness; effectiveness.

"It's not that some people have willpower and some don't. It's that some people are ready to change and others are not." James Gordon

"Willingness is essential in any initiation or in making any dream come true. I can't often means I won't. You can change I won't to I will with will power." Marcia Wieder

"What you have to do and the way you have to do it is incredibly simple. Whether you are willing to do it, that's another matter." Peter F. Drucker

"There is not great talent without great will power." Honore de Balzac

If ever there was a secret to life, Will Power must be it. Without it, nothing can be done. When one's will has been taken from them, even the simplest act of getting out of bed each morning becomes a task impossible to achieve. The desecration of human will is the weapon of terrorists and dictators. Having the ability to sustain during times of incredible duress is most certainly the greatest gift God gave us upon creation. Human beings are made to be resilient. We were created with a desire to accomplish, with an ability to stand back up even when our world has collapsed for the hundredth time.

Always, there is something that desires to upend your will power, but nothing diminishes our ability to stand back up ... except ourselves.

Ok, if you are the person reading this who has someone standing over top of you and literally holding you down, foot on your chest, pressing with all their might to keep you in a position of subservience, then you are right. Someone OTHER than yourself is holding you back. You have a justifiable excuse.

The rest of us do not.

I have been accused of having Iron Will Power ... and right now I am very proud of that accusation. However, it is not because of any super-human strength. It's just a decision that I made and I my intention to be a woman of integrity. The only person who will benefit, really, from this decision is me. The only person I have to answer to is me. And the only person I can truly disappoint by my failure is ME.

I am OVER failing myself.

Why is it that we hate to disappoint others, but we have far less qualms about disappointing ourselves? Am I not worthy of the same respect that I try to give others? If I told my friend that I was going to be somewhere, or do something, would I not be sure to do just those things? How, then, can I excuse myself for failing to ... finish my workouts when I say I am going to? Eat the things I am supposed to? Avoid the things I know will trip me up?

In September I made a decision that I was no longer going to disappoint myself and this amazing thing happened. I learned that I have a tremendous amount of will power. I also learned that not buying any excuses, from others OR from myself, was perfectly acceptable. NOT doing the workout, NOT eating the right foods, NOT avoiding the unhealthy stuff ... all of this is NOT ACCEPTABLE.

I will not accept my son failing in school. When he struggles with a subject, we get him the help he needs, either by sitting down and working through the problems with him, or finding a tutor who can do a better job. Either way, allowing him to simply fail is not an option.

In the same way, allowing myself to give up, flail, fail ... not an option. If I am struggling, I will get the help I need. I will find a new direction, but I will not just quit. Ever. Again.

So, for those who have asked me how I do it, how I have scrounged up the will power ... there you have it. I have always had it, hidden inside of me. I just allowed myself the option of quitting previously. And this time? It is SIMPLY NOT AN OPTION.



(food diary to come later)

I Haven't Died or Even Fallen Off the Wagon ...

I know that it has been a while, and I am truly sorry that I haven't had the time, nor really the inclination, to sit and write. I want desperately to make it up to all of you, but frankly, I am exhausted. And a little bit emotional.

I'll explain all that in a minute.

First, the great, fantastic and better than "good" news is that I made it through Thanksgiving AND I reached one of my personal goals. As of this mornings WI, I am down over 10% of my body weight since I started this journey. Officially, the amount lost is 22.3 lbs since October. I will take it. Especially after Turkey and Stuffing Day. My next goal is to lose another 11.5 lbs by New Year's Day. This is going to be tricky, as it is hoping for more than my 2 lbs. per week average. But that's my personal goal. Better to set the bar high and get strong reaching for it, than too low and get lazy passing it by.

It's also going to be difficult because chances are looking very good that I will be having rotator cuff surgery before the end of the month. My Orthopaedic Specialist today was not optimistic about my lack of response to Physical Therapy over the past 4 weeks. Putting it bluntly, there is no change for the better and if anything, it has regressed some. On Thursday I will go for the MRI that determines the full extent of the damage and the next plan of action. One week from today I have an appointment scheduled to go over the MRI results with the surgeon.

I guess the fact that I walked out of the office without facing the dreadful cortisone needle should have bolstered my mood a bit, but, alas, no.

Mostly, I am just scared and sad. Disappointed, exhausted, unsure ...

I want to sleep again. All the way through the night, without waking to a stab of pain to my shoulder if I move the wrong way, or get bumped in the night. I want to lift things above my head without fear. I want to hit balls in April without maneuvering my arm up to an odd, uncomfortable and WEAK angle. I want to surprise the boys in the outfield when I hit it over their heads again. I want the words "I'm sorry I am such a grump, my shoulder is just really bothering me today" to no longer be in any conversation of mine.

So, I will keep plugging along, doing what I do, following the rules and hopefully, there will be answers and ultimately results in my future.

Just for the record, I am not listing my food for the past several days ... I will just start again with today and you get to trust me that I did truly stay on plan. :-D

TUESDAY FOOD DIARY
Breakfast
Ezekiel 4:9 Sprouted 100% Whole Grain Bread, 2 serving
*All Whites* 100% Liquid Egg Whites, 3 serving
Blue Agave, Organic (Wholesome Sweeteners brand), 0.5 tbsp
Olivio Buttery Spray 5 sprays, 1 serving
Lunch
Jennie-O Extra Lean Ground Turkey, 4 oz
Herdez Salsa Casera (medium), 8 tbsp
Margaret Holmes Seasoned Pinto Beans, 0.5 cup
Dinner
Romaine Lettuce (salad), 1 cup, shredded
Shrimp, cooked, 3 oz
Kraft Mayo Light Mayonnaise (Mayo), 1 tbsp
Celery, raw, 1 tbsp
Snack
Carrots, raw, 1 cup, strips or slices
Cottage Cheese, 1% Milkfat, 0.75 cup (not packed)
Libby's Tropical Mandarin Oranges w/ Splenda, 0.5 cup
Universal Super Whey Protein Powder, 23 gram(s)
Milk, nonfat, 1 cup