Serious Stuff

The world has tipped and I am slipping off, sideways, quickly, on a slick surface of which I can not seem to grab hold of anything to stop the inevitable crash.

My Dad has Glioblastoma.

In the simplest terms possible, this is the type of Brain Tumor/Cancer that killed Ted Kennedy. It is inoperable, incurable, inconceivable. It takes your breath away to even think about it. Not MY family. Not MY father. This is Grey's Anatomy stuff. This is TV news stuff. Evil, ugly, inoperable cancer happens in stories that you hear, dramas that you watch ... not in the life you live. Not to the people who matter most to you.

I have truly felt for the past several days, since we learned of the mass and as we awaited the biopsy results, that I have fallen off a merry-go-round. It's my life. I am on the ground, skinned knees bleeding into the sand, watching it spin and spin and spin, out of control. I know that I have to jump back on. I need to grab something and hold on as hard as I can, dragging my feet behind me to try and slow this thing down. I know that I have to get back on ... but I have not been able to muster the courage to try.

And now that the monster pushing it ever faster has a name, the fear looms larger than before.

I will try not to disappear from here ... or to lose track of the goals I have set before me. But extra forgiveness when I slack would be greatly appreciated.

Inconvenient Pain

My leg hurts. No, really. I'm not just making it up. I'm not trying to garner sympathy. I'm not even trying to justify the fact that it is 4:18pm and I have not yet started my new lower body workout.

I'm just stating a simple fact.

I've got that race coming up this weekend, so I've been training regularly. Not anything crazy ... just 3-3.5 mile runs 3 days a week. Maureen thinks I need to get my shoes checked out. I tried running in my cross trainers on the treadmill last Tuesday. That was an exercise in futility. Not only did my leg (knee) hurt, but my feet did as well.

We have a good running store on the other side of town, where they will fit me, watch me run, check my gait, judge my flat-feet and all that sort of stuff. Trouble is ... I know a new pair of runners is going to cost me some dough (that I don't have right now) and even if I picked them up today (and I don't have the money to do so right now), I don't think I could break them in properly before Sunday.

So I guess I just have to live with it. Until this Sunday's race is over, anyway.

I'm getting older. I guess there's no use denying it any longer. My joints are old, over used, dried up and not keeping the bones safe like they should. My shoulder goes out ... I get it fixed. In the meantime, I work my lower body to the max. Now my knee is rebelling ... just in time to switch the tables and work my upper body into submission. But cardio requires legs, and I need to do the cardio. Not to mention the fact that I have signed up for 3 races (2 5k's and a 10k) over the next couple of months.

Guess I had better go invest in a crate of joint juice?

"Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain" ~William Faulkner~

Catching Up

Really? I haven't posted since March 31st? There is no excuse ... just life. And beautiful weather for a week or so that had me outside as much as possible, and not gagged and bound behind the computer. I lost 5 lbs. I gained 5 lbs. I am pretty much right back where I started in the last blog. No good reason for it. Just this freakish pain in the rear of a body I have. I'm over it.

Actually, this morning I stepped on the scale and when I saw its result I thought "why am I working so dang hard". But tailgating right behind that thought was this one "you've been down this road before, the path doesn't go where you want, so turn around now before you get too far". Turning around is writing everything down, making sure I get every ounce of my 4 liters of water in, keeping active as much as possible. Lucky for me, its actually my day off from working out. However, there are numerous things that need to be done in the house, so I will keep busy.

Went to see my surgeon for the last time. He gave me the go ahead to start playing softball ... right on time as that very night we had our first practice. It was interesting. Nothing major, no big home runs, but I did hit the ball and catch some and the pain was limited and manageable. I can only get better. I leave for what I believe is my last physical therapy appointment in about an hour. I will get a list of things to keep working on, and things to avoid doing for a while yet. I am graduating from the status of "Shoulder Surgery Patient" to "Girl with Shoulder that gets Tired Easily". The latter is far more fixable.

My parents are coming next week, primarily to build my son's new play fort. Yay! He is really stoked ... and it is going to be extremely cool. Lots and lots and LOTS of cleaning to do before they get here, though. The Spring Cleaning I should have started last week, but the beautiful weather sent me outside instead. The good news is, I guess, it will keep me active all day long and I will not be sitting for very long, if ever. Lots of extra calories burned.

My first race of this season is April 25th, just a couple weeks away. I run 5k's consistently every time I run now, so that should be good. I would like to be faster, but I will just keep pushing and maybe by the June 3rd race, I can improve to something more like a 10 minute mile speed. Still not fast enough to win, but closer to where I want to be. I have the Mud Run 10k in October to train for, and that's a bigger deal. And it looks like maybe the USMC Marathon in October of 2011. Just want to do ONE marathon, so I can say I did. After that I will work towards Tri's.

For now though, I am just going to focus on today. Eating right, drinking enough water, staying active ... and watching that scale go back down. However, I will only weigh myself once or twice a week, instead of every day. That's a bad and destructive habit for me. Here come those 150's ...

There is more in us than we know. If we can be made to see it, perhaps, for the rest of our lives, we will be unwilling to settle for less.
- Kurt Hahn