Tinder for the Fire

On Monday I found myself handcuffed to a chair at the auto dealership slightly longer than I had anticipated. During that time, I took advantage of the "Notes" section of my iPhone and dashed down some thoughts. Making them understandable in a blog format is a different matter entirely.

At about 3:00 Sunday morning this past weekend, my best friend's house caught on fire. The exact cause of the fire is unknown at this time, however we do know that it was some sort of explosion in her neighbors garage, which butted up directly to my friend's home. In moments flames had jumped to her home and quickly took out her attic, roof and between the fire, smoke and water damage, her home is destroyed. Luckily, she and her family (husband, 3 daughters and dog) all escaped physically unharmed. The neighbors also are safe, but their home will be demolished.

Nobody thinks about these things. None of us goes to bed at night with the expectation that we will shortly be standing outside watching life as we know it go up in flames. Sure, we might occasionally think "what if" ... especially after a tragic event such as this affects someone close by. After, sifting through the rubble of all the "things" which were once so important, you realize how little anything else matters. Family, health and happiness matter ... everything else can be replaced.

Ann is amazing and she is taking this all far better than I can imagine I would in a similar circumstance. Watching her community of family and friends rise up, surround her and clamour to help is a testament to the person she is. Every one of us knows that she would be the first person to help if it happened to one of us, and we want to be that person for her. We want to ease her burden any way we can.

I sit here looking around my home thinking "what would I save?" If my family, which includes every last member of our zoo, was safe, it would be pictures, scrapbooks first, baby mementos, videos of people I love. If there was time, I would grab the important documents such as insurance, 401k, will's, etc. But lets face it ... everything else? It doesn't really matter all that much. Makes you wonder why we put so much effort towards having all this "stuff" if it isn't going to matter in a life or death situation.

So here's my own personal lesson from this tragedy affecting the lives of people very important to me: Spend 100% of your energy on the things that secure and promote your family, your health and ultimately, your happiness. Everything else is just tinder for the fire.

Determination ...

You know that it has been too long in between blogs when the system kicks you out and you can't remember your passcode. I'm just sayin' ...

Of course, I haven't much time today. This has been my excuse every day ... however, I opted to ignore all excuses today and simply state it. Then rush my little fingers into action in the 45 minutes I have available to me for showering, dressing, eating, now blogging, and finally springing my son from school to take him to the endodontist consultation this afternoon.

I have written many entries in the past week ... in my head, while driving ... in totally inappropriate and unworkable places. Inappropriate meaning ... no means to jot down the masterpieces composed in my head, sitting at red lights, watching my son at karate (sans pen and paper) ...

Actually, this is one of the few weeks that I wished for a laptop to take with me everywhere I go. I spend a lot of time waiting for Ian to complete whatever it is he is doing (karate and tutoring being two such things). I don't write well. For some reason, my brain blocks up hard creatively when I put pen to paper. However, put me in front of a keyboard and I can light it up fairly quickly. The trouble with a laptop is ... I can NOT type on one of those itty bitty little keyboards! I would have to carry a real keyboard with me everywhere I go, plug it in and find a place other than my lap on which to type. And this somewhat negates the purpose of a laptop computer.

I digress ... what I am trying to say is that there have been lots of lovely and creative thoughts this week that simply have not made it to *post* due to my time constraints.

Today I barely have time to discuss any of them ... but this one little short one will have to do. I KICKED THE BOTTOM OFF THE STAIRMASTER TODAY!

Remember, last post I was bemoaning Maureen's suggestion that I tuck in a 40 minute, level 8 stairmaster session on January 21st due to my schedule conflict for my usual spin class? I was certain that they would be mopping me up from the floor if I so much as attempted that mind-numbing task. She gave in and allowed me the option of a level 6 climb. Many of my friends and exercise cohorts deemed her certifiable and agreed with my assessment that it simply wasn't to be done.

Which of course, put me in a competitive mindset. It's one thing for ME to say I can't do something ... but when other's start agreeing with that lowered assessment ... hmmm. It gives me something to prove. I'm kind of freaky competitive like that.

So I started right away trying to get my 20 minute sessions up to a full level 8. It took 2 days. OK ... I do one minute at level 5 to warm up, then finish it out at level 8. Tuesday I was off stairmaster duty. But other than that, I have climbed every single day since my last post. Today I accomplished 42 minutes on the stairmaster. One minute warm up of level 3, 4 minutes revving up my brain warm up at level 5, then 35 full minutes at level 8, followed by a 2 minute cool down at levels 6 & 4. I climbed 2,160 total stairs today ... just shy of the Sears Tower. I would have kept going just to get that Sears Tower goal (another 75 steps or so) but there was a gentleman who had been patiently waiting for me to finish my climb and didn't complain that I stayed on the machine 12 minutes longer than the rules allow. I didn't want to push my luck ... but I did climb as fast as I could in cool down, hehehe. I know, not much of a cool down that way, but I was competing, you see.

I walked my heart rate down after, no worries.

What I was left with, after cleaning up the pools of sweat beneath my machine (rather than the staff cleaning ME up off the floor!) was this:

NOTHING is impossible for me, if I put my mind and determination behind it. No matter how big and difficult it might seem, if I just keep doing what I need to do, I can accomplish absolutely ANYTHING I put my mind to.

Even that Iron Man Triathlon I have dreamed about since I was too young to be scared.

No, I am not putting my name into some hat for the Iron Man. Not yet. But I do believe that if, when, I decide to do it ... I can. Funny isn't it ... how people agreeing with my own lowered assessment of my abilities actually brought me to this realization?

Now, don't any of you change and start telling me anything differently than you have been. I need you to be just who you are and have been so that I can become something different. If that makes any sense whatsoever ...

>"A man of sense is never discouraged by difficulties; he redoubles his industry and his diligence, he perseveres, and infallibly prevails at last." Lord Chesterfield

Ps. Thank YOU, Maureen, for pushing me beyond my own limits and expectations for myself. For believing I am even tougher than I thought I was and never letting me get away with being wimpy. I intend to keep proving you right, no matter what my first reaction may be ...

It Won't Kill You

Have you ever known one of those people who seem to have an excuse for everything? Or maybe, they just seem to have a negative reaction to every helpful comment you make. Sometimes, it is just that day, and not that the person is a Scrooge/Grinch/Annoyance all the time. Sometimes. And, sometimes ... its just the person. They are built with the glass half-empty outlook and nothing that happens in life is going to change it.

I'm not that. I am NOT a glass half-empty girl. I am a "the glass has water in it and it totally depends on the moment you ask me how full it is, what song is on the radio, what temperature it is outside, how filling was my breakfast" kind of girl.

Today, though, I think I might have come off sounding like the Scrooge/Grinch/Annoyance. To Maureen. I think I might have bugged her. So I quit. Talking, that is, not working with her. I just figured that, although my points were valid, maybe I just needed to shut up and go along with the fuller-glass view of life she exudes.

I'm sure it actually started with Tuesday when I told her under no circumstance would I eat grapefruit. A girl has her lines, and that is one of mine. Unless I can drown it in honey. Since that's not an option, neither is grapefruit. I mean, what's the use in eating something you will simply eject back into the toilet 5 minutes later?

Today, it was "40 minutes on the stair master at a level 8?? You do realize I can barely accomplish 20 full minutes at a level 8? In fact, I rarely DO accomplish it! A good day is 15 minutes at level 8 and 5 more draped over the machine in agony!"

Her response? "It won't kill you; what are you worried about?"

My response? "Being found draped over the machine, passed out cold, soaking wet and unable to move my legs."

OK, the response was in my head ... but it was at that moment that I chose to stop talking ... and just listen. Listen to her tell me that I had 5 more days on the stairmaster at level 8 to get it up to a full 20 minutes. And just to be kind, she told me I could do the long session at a level 6 (with disappointment coloring every timber of her voice.) By then, after 5 days of level 8 at 20 ... 40 minutes on level 6 would be cake.

My response? "If I work out the next 5 stairmaster days for 20 minutes at a level 8 I won't be able to walk by that 6th day. Hmmmph."

OK, again, it was in my head and I wisely remained silent.

I don't like disappointing her. I don't like being negative. I don't like grapefruit.

I have to tell you, my body ACHES most of the time, and I am not talking about my shoulder, although that does, too. I get muscle spasms in my butt at night. Butt spasms are hard to sleep through. I don't want to be negative, I want to be able to do everything she asks with the enthusiasm of a cheerleader ... but my body is sore. Getting old plainly sucks. Being overweight, out of shape AND old? That is hell.

I just keep hoping that it truly will get easier as the weight comes off and that the reward will be worth every ache of the journey.

And I will try to keep my glass in that perspective.

"It takes a rare person to want to hear what he doesn't want to hear." ~ Dick Cavett ~

Resolved

January is the time to rethink one's life and what has been done with it. To look for ways to improve its quality over the next 12 months. Many of us make "Resolutions" and gamely put forth maximum effort towards success ...until our energy dies out and takes our will power down the drain with it.

A few years ago I decided I would never make another New Year's Resolution. That's not to say that I haven't used that ever-so-convenient timetable as a kick off point for various weight loss routines. I just refuse to make the official proclamation. This year, I resolved to kick that goal into high gear several months before the usual convenient timetable. So far, it has worked quite well for me, but there are a few things that I have let slide and I am here to "resolve" those particular issues.

Let it be known, however, that these are NOT New Year's Resolutions. ;-) These are just tweaks that I see need to be made in my current routine in order to ensure continued success.

1) I stopped logging my every bite. It seemed pointless after a while because I was literally sitting at my desk and entering data off a sheet of paper in front of me. And since my food varied very little from day to day, it was more *cut & paste* than anything. Go back and look ... every 3rd day was identical. But when I stopped putting down every bite, it became easier for unplanned items to slip in ... such as the little bags of chips. I was pretty good, in comparison to the old me, even with those little slip ups ... but you know? They add up! OK, so I was extra hungry one day and reached for carrots. A couple of cups of carrots ... and didn't bother to write it down because ... for goodness sakes. It's CARROTS! However, if I go back and look, those carrots might have been the extra 30 or 40 calories that put me over my daily allowance ... and since I wasn't adding 30-40 calories worth of exercise to counteract the intake ... well, you get the picture. It adds up. So I have decided that it is time to start writing everything down again. I probably won't blog it because ... well, its not exactly reading excitement. But I will post my slip ups. Hopefully, there will be very few of them!

2) I will blog more regularly again. After the surgery, it was difficult to type. It was difficult to do anything. My snow globe office can be quite chilly if I haven't sufficiently warmed it up and the cold made the shoulder ache. So, I avoided the computer. After a while, I *fell out of the habit* of taking my coffee at my desk and writing. Or posting after dinner each night. I don't get a lot of feedback, so it didn't really feel as if it mattered all that much ... and I just let it slide. What I have realized is this ... I do not NEED feed back. This writing is for me, not for anyone else. This is where I share the deep and the dark of my soul on this particular journey. If there are others who want to read it, that's great! But the purpose of it is for me ... and for that reason alone it is important that I keep on putting fingers to keyboard.

3) ABs are important. Yes, I do them ... but they have not been a priority. I always know that I can *get to them at home ... sometime*. And if any part of my workout is going to slip through the cracks ... it is the AB work. It used to be my favorite part of the workout daily grind. I held the dorm record for sit ups. (Yes, we actually had a contest. I did 700. There were a couple of breaks in there and the last 200 were not full sit ups, but crunches instead, but still, I did 700. I beat Skippy. Long story. Remembering how I felt the next day(s) ... I will never do it again.) I intend to make sure the AB workout is intense and varied ... and 6 days a week.

4) Finally, I signed up with my best friend, Toni, to run a 5k in April ... on her birthday. She signed up first and I horned in on her commitment. I need something to run for, something to train for. I love the idea of being a runner ... and I do fairly well at it, as long as there is a goal. But I would rather spend hours on the Precor at the gym than the treadmill. And this is Rochester, NY ... I'm not running outside until it is at least in the 40's and most of the snow is gone. I'm just not. So I am excited to begin training for that race in a couple of weeks. (Physical Therapist says the shoulder should be ready for that kind of jostling by the end of the month.)

That's it. The above-mentioned 4 things are what I am resolved to improve upon. If they become easy and old-hat before the end of the year, I will make some new ones. I want to always be a work in progress. I don't ever want to be *finished*. And I don't need to wait for a national holiday to make a resolution. I can make a new one every single day, if needed. It's just about improvement.

"Remember that what pulls the strings is the force hidden within; there lies the power to persuade, there the life - there, if one must speak out, the real man."
- Marcus Aurelius

Blessings acknowledged and accounted for.

It has not been the easiest of months in the Gagliano household ... and yes, I am aware that we are only 12 days into said month. Have you ever had that sinking feeling that you are not going to be able to come out from under the pressure weighing down upon you without a significant amount of bruising?

I am healing nicely. There is still far more pain than I would like, however, I know from the *war stories* I hear at Physical Therapy that I am doing far better than most. Blessing acknowledged and accounted for. Financial upheaval from aforementioned surgery? Well, let's just say we shall come out from under it ... eventually.

Yesterday, a consult at the pediatric dentist in town regarding my son's chipped front tooth resulted in less than happy news. He needs a root canal. My poor little baby, who has never had so much as a cavity, will need to undergo a root canal before he hits a double digit age. All because his first dentist said it was "nothing to be concerned about" and "we will keep an eye on it." May he rest in peace, said dentist died this summer, which resulted in our new pediatric dentist search. And the subsequent news that this tooth, and the small abcess on his gum, are both something to be extremely concerned about and in need of near immediate attention.

For those who might be unaware, we are covered by retired military health and dental benefits. Because Chris served 27 years in the USMC, we do not pay a monthly premium for these benefits. (Blessing acknowledged and accounted for!) But it must be said that the out of pocket expenses for things out of the ordinary (MRI's, Rotator Cuff surgery, Root Canal's on children, to name a few) can be quite extensive. If we lived near a military base with health care facilities, the story would be dramatically different. But for those who choose to retire away from the base ... it's not always easy ... or cheap.

In addition, my husband took a pay cut the beginning of December and now works only 4 days per week. Theoretically, this is only until June or so, but I always try to live under the assumption that the income we have now is the most we can count on ... and always be prepared for less. He has a job with a company that he loves, which is more than many in our nation can say. (Again, blessing acknowledged and accounted for.)

All of this is to say ... I have been feeling the strain of debt as of late. I want to pay off our credit cards, instead, at Christmas I drastically increased one of them. I see a light at the end of the tunnel, but it seems to be on an upward slope, which means I am going to trudge up that steep incline very carefully towards it, trying not to fall on my behind. And that rather stresses me out.

When I am stressed out I want to eat salty things.

There it is ... the little tie in that makes sense of this whole blog in the healthy lifestyle forum. I bought some chips for my son's school lunches. Trouble is ... I have been grabbing a bag every now and again myself. I KNOW it is wrong. I KNOW why I am doing it. I KNOW it is going to mess me up (and it has!) when I step on the scale ... but still, stearing clear seems IMPOSSIBLE.

There is more to this entry ... but I have to leave and I want to post it now. I will come back later and we can chat more. Stearing clear of chips in the meantime. Somehow, someway ...

What is it about snow that makes you just want to curl up into a little ball, huddled under masses of blankets and take a loooong winter's nap?

Upstate NY has been blanketed the last couple of days with several feet of the white, fluffy stuff. Of course, January's filled with snow are not uncommon, but it's only the 4th ... and on New Year's Eve most of our snow was gone and we were *enjoying* ugly, messy rain. It started snowing, slowly at first, the next day and has not quit since. In order to leave the house, you pretty much have to shovel or blow it out ... every single time. I just watched my son leave for school down the path we cleared at 8pm last night. The snow was up to his knees again ... and the same for the drive way. Yep ... I am going to have to don all my winter gear and push a snow blower for an hour or so in order to get to the gym today.

Which brings me to my original point. Why is it that all I want to do is nurse this cup of coffee, under nice blankets and take a nap instead?

It's beautiful, it really is. This is the snow that Christmas cards are made of. My office is situated in the *sun room* portion of our house, and I refer to it as "my own personal snow globe" during winter. I am blessed with windows on 3 sides and the big fluffy flakes all around me make me feel as if someone picked up my little globe of a world and shook it with all their might.

Now, though, I must somehow find within me the will to eat breakfast, then blow out that drive and get my bottom half to the gym. At least I am getting a bit of extra cardio in with the snow blowing, right? With this type of snow, I would actually prefer to shovel, but, as I found out yesterday, one-armed shoveling is really a waste of time.

But before I go (am I wasting more time?) here's a thought that just whispered through my mind ...

Rochester on New Year's Eve was a place dark, dank, and messy looking. It was muddy, dirty and certainly did not appear to be full of promise. The world looked spent and wasted. However, once embarking upon 2010, this incredible white, fluffy, NEW snow has fallen and the world looks sparkling and fresh. All the ugliness that was 2009 has been covered over by a fresh beauty and it feels like a completely different world. Dangerous, deadly and unknown, if you are not careful, but full of beautiful new chances and adventures if you are. Follow the paths that you know to be successful, but let the ones with the ability to trip you up become covered and hidden by the snow, lost to you and unable to be an obstacle any longer. Enjoy the newness of this year, this decade and make a decision to make it a beautiful one. Lay out paths that take you to places that change your life in the best ways and leave trails that others might also share your experience.

It's a brand new decade ... what are you going to do with it?

I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.
- Thomas Jefferson

Fitness Bi-Polar Disorder

I have discovered that I am inflicted with something that can only be described as "Fitness Bi-Polar Disorder". I am an all or nothing kind of girl. One of my favorite inspirational bloggers, Ron Harris (RonHarrisMuscle.com), defined himself in the same way recently ... and I found a certain relief in the fact that I am not alone. Even the fittest, most disciplined people on earth have days when they let go. And when I say let go, I mean ... let ALL of the resolve and will power go.

After surgery, my biggest problem was lack of appetite. It was hard to stay on a regimented eating plan when I frankly was not hungry at all. Because I was sore, tired, sluggish, I could not work out. (Also, in no small part, because I could not drive for 2 weeks and could not get myself to the gym.) Because I could not work out and I was eating off plan, albeit not necessarily eating a lot ... I found myself craving sweets when I did finally start to regain an appetite.

In the back of my mind I was always thinking "don't go crazy, you have a lot to come back from, don't blow it entirely" which helped. But I also did not deny myself those little things here and there. I was amazed when I first stepped on the scale last Monday to learn I had only gained 1 lb, 6 oz. I started getting back into the right eating plan, but still struggled at night with a sweet tooth that just would not quit. Then yesterday, I was given the freedom to drive again, met up with my personal trainer at the gym, had my butt kicked (and hammies, and quads, and calves, and abs, and ...) and all of a sudden? I have will power again! I avoided the food obstacles in my path all New Years Eve, toasted with a smidgen of champagne at the stroke of midnight and was done with it. 10am today, when the gym opened its doors, I was again there, sweating & lifting with Maureen, followed by a pretty intense cardio session. I have stayed on plan all day and I am fired up and excited to keep going. (Did I mention that I lost 4lbs. 7 oz. between Monday and today??!)

So, I guess I truly am an all or nothing girl. When I am on, and all cylinders are firing properly, not much can interrupt me. Pull away my ability to work out, and I also lose all ability to control myself. I have never been a "just diet" girl. And the last thing I will ever be is "skinny fat". I intend to be that crazy muscular woman that God created me to be.

And the next time my bi-polar self rears its ugly head, I will have the necessary tools to fix it and get right back on track.

Just thinking about exercise does as much good for the body as dreaming about eating a nutritious meal.
- Grant M. Bright