Nobody has called me out on the fact that I have not recorded my food for the past 2 days. Have I let you all down so many times before that you simply expect me to fail yet again? I hope not. For the record, I have been writing it down, on my calorie counter site ... I just have not been at the computer (the desk top, its too hard to transfer on the laptop, which is where I am now) long enough to log it for you. Weight this morning was down again (169.5), so that's an improvement.
I've been to see the Physical Therapist about my knee issues. Many of you know that I have dealt with a torn meniscus issue since high school. The pain I have been experiencing lately was different enough to send me back to the pro's for assistance. Apparently, I am suffering from something called Patellofemoral Pain Syndrome (PFPS). Luckily, we should be able to correct the muscle atrophy in my right quad and relieve some of that pain. And GET ME BACK ON THE ROAD!
I am signed up for the Corporate Challenge Race on June 3rd, which is 2 weeks from today. I certainly won't beat my best time, but I might be able to at least lightly jog that race if I stay diligent with my p/t between now and then. I will attempt to run a mile or 2 next week while visiting my family. Keep your fingers crossed for me, please, that I can get through light running with minimum pain. I don't want to let my fellow runners from LaserMax down!
I shove off for a visit to my Dad on Saturday. On the way, we are planning on stopping to visit one of my best friends from HS, Sandi, who is in hospice for Hodgkin's Disease. I just found her again about a month ago and it breaks my heart that I did not get to visit her sooner. I'm afraid this following week is going to be an emotional roller coaster. Seems 2010 has been one big roller coaster. Hopefully, the ride will be smoother from this point on.
Will try to get you the past few days of food journal's sometime today, when I get behind the desktop.
Goals
Don't Get Between Me & My Goals
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Food 051710
As promised ...
Breakfast
egg white, fresh, 4 large 68
Ezekiel 4:9 Sprouted 100% Whole Grain Bread, 1 serving 80
Total 148
Lunch
Chicken Breast, no skin, 3 ounces 94
Romaine Lettuce (salad), 2 cup, shredded 16
Brown Rice, medium grain, 0.5 cup 109
Kikkoman Lite Soy Sauce, 1 tbsp 10
Ken's Lite Olive Oil Vinaigrette, 2 tbsp 60
Total 288
Dinner
Chicken Breast, no skin, 4 ounces 125
Broccoli, cooked, 1 cup, chopped 55
Total 179
Snack
Plantar's Nut-rition Heart Healthy Mix, 1 serving 260
Fage Total 0% Plain Greek Yogurt, 0.5 cup 60
Honey, 1 tbsp 64
Total 384
Daily Calorie total : 999
Breakfast
egg white, fresh, 4 large 68
Ezekiel 4:9 Sprouted 100% Whole Grain Bread, 1 serving 80
Total 148
Lunch
Chicken Breast, no skin, 3 ounces 94
Romaine Lettuce (salad), 2 cup, shredded 16
Brown Rice, medium grain, 0.5 cup 109
Kikkoman Lite Soy Sauce, 1 tbsp 10
Ken's Lite Olive Oil Vinaigrette, 2 tbsp 60
Total 288
Dinner
Chicken Breast, no skin, 4 ounces 125
Broccoli, cooked, 1 cup, chopped 55
Total 179
Snack
Plantar's Nut-rition Heart Healthy Mix, 1 serving 260
Fage Total 0% Plain Greek Yogurt, 0.5 cup 60
Honey, 1 tbsp 64
Total 384
Daily Calorie total : 999
Accountability
I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself lately. The *public* me, the one that shows her face to the world has been doing OK. You know, showing just enough of the inner turmoil for people to know that I am human, but not so much that I look like I am going to crumble at any moment. Trouble is, the private me, the hidden one who only comes out when I am home and comfortable, has been falling apart in so many ways it is frankly ridiculous.
I'm not talking about the breaking down into tears falling apart. I am talking about the losing everything that I am falling apart. When I get into a good mope, I let the world around me just dissipate into background noise. I live in the tiny little space inside my head where I can faintly hear whispers of humanity, but I have little to no regard for it. I simply don't care. I can *act* like I am there, but not be anywhere near *there*. I am a creature of routine. I thrive on it. When I have routine to my life, I am happier, more in control of my emotions (especially my anger), much nicer to be around and I am productive. But as much as I thrive on routine, there is this evil, masochistic part of myself that, when faced with stress and adversity, lets routine slide and gleefully watches as I crumble bit by bit, losing myself in the vast ocean known as "Mope".
I have had some very good reasons for being stressed, depressed, blue ... but not a single one of them is an excuse for the ways in which I have allowed myself to slip. Starting today, I am getting back into my routine and I am calling upon help from some friends to keep me accountable.
First, I have not been as dedicated to my eating as I need to be if I want to see results. Therefore, starting today, I will be (once again!) logging my food diary on this blog every night. I need there to be eyes on what I am eating and I need to know that those eyes will be there. And I need to know that people care enough to smack me on the butt if I a) don't eat properly, or b) don't share the journal daily. I may not be able to write long blogs, but I can at least enter the food. If you don't see an entry from me ... please give me a shout and a shove.
I have not been as diligent about my workouts as I need to be. I have still been doing it, but I have allowed this knee issue to hold me back, mentally as well as physically. It's time to get focused again and do whatever I CAN do, even while I am trying to heal the knee. I am seeing my Physical Therapist tomorrow in the hopes that we can determine exactly what the issue is and take steps towards true recovery. In the meantime, elliptical, swimming laps, arc trainer ... those will have to be my mainstays in cardio ... and trying to add walking every evening. not long distances, just gentle walking so I can get extra movement and steps into my day and hopefully loosen it up some. Unless Matt says no. Playing that one by ear. (Still playing softball, just hoping that I can wrap it well enough to run bases when needed.)
I am going to record my weight here every Monday again so that you will know if I am going up or down ... and you can hold me accountable. Because it has been going up and I am not letting that trend continue. The scale said 172.4 this morning. Not a friendly number.
That's all, folks. I need your help. I can not continue to mope, I can not continue to derail myself. I simply have to stand up and fight on, despite all the crud going on in my personal life. I don't often admit to needing people, but today I am admitting that I do ... for accountability's sake, at the very least. Hold me to it, and don't let me cheat myself out of victory.
I'm not talking about the breaking down into tears falling apart. I am talking about the losing everything that I am falling apart. When I get into a good mope, I let the world around me just dissipate into background noise. I live in the tiny little space inside my head where I can faintly hear whispers of humanity, but I have little to no regard for it. I simply don't care. I can *act* like I am there, but not be anywhere near *there*. I am a creature of routine. I thrive on it. When I have routine to my life, I am happier, more in control of my emotions (especially my anger), much nicer to be around and I am productive. But as much as I thrive on routine, there is this evil, masochistic part of myself that, when faced with stress and adversity, lets routine slide and gleefully watches as I crumble bit by bit, losing myself in the vast ocean known as "Mope".
I have had some very good reasons for being stressed, depressed, blue ... but not a single one of them is an excuse for the ways in which I have allowed myself to slip. Starting today, I am getting back into my routine and I am calling upon help from some friends to keep me accountable.
First, I have not been as dedicated to my eating as I need to be if I want to see results. Therefore, starting today, I will be (once again!) logging my food diary on this blog every night. I need there to be eyes on what I am eating and I need to know that those eyes will be there. And I need to know that people care enough to smack me on the butt if I a) don't eat properly, or b) don't share the journal daily. I may not be able to write long blogs, but I can at least enter the food. If you don't see an entry from me ... please give me a shout and a shove.
Note: I am going to visit my Dad next week. They live in an area that has very limited Internet access (I know right? However, I can't help it that they choose to reside in the last holdout from civilization.) I may not be able to get the journal in every day, but I will keep a paper journal and will put it all on the computer when I am able to get access.
I have not been as diligent about my workouts as I need to be. I have still been doing it, but I have allowed this knee issue to hold me back, mentally as well as physically. It's time to get focused again and do whatever I CAN do, even while I am trying to heal the knee. I am seeing my Physical Therapist tomorrow in the hopes that we can determine exactly what the issue is and take steps towards true recovery. In the meantime, elliptical, swimming laps, arc trainer ... those will have to be my mainstays in cardio ... and trying to add walking every evening. not long distances, just gentle walking so I can get extra movement and steps into my day and hopefully loosen it up some. Unless Matt says no. Playing that one by ear. (Still playing softball, just hoping that I can wrap it well enough to run bases when needed.)
I am going to record my weight here every Monday again so that you will know if I am going up or down ... and you can hold me accountable. Because it has been going up and I am not letting that trend continue. The scale said 172.4 this morning. Not a friendly number.
That's all, folks. I need your help. I can not continue to mope, I can not continue to derail myself. I simply have to stand up and fight on, despite all the crud going on in my personal life. I don't often admit to needing people, but today I am admitting that I do ... for accountability's sake, at the very least. Hold me to it, and don't let me cheat myself out of victory.
"It is not only what we do, but also what we do not do, for which we are accountable." ~Moliere~
Monday, May 3, 2010
Perfect Storm
It has been a heck of a week. Literally, a perfect storm of events, all colliding together to form one of the most difficult emotional roller coasters I have ever had the misfortune of riding upon.
The largest, most difficult and most important was the discovery of my Dad's Glioblastoma (wrote about in last post). An inoperable monster of a tumor, bent on destruction, invading both hemisphere's of his brain. It simply takes your breath away to think about it. The world around me changed in an instant; things important before no longer held value. Plans scrambled and rearranged. Priorities shifted drastically. I've spent a great deal of time reading up on this monster, praying, crying, questioning. Now I am just working on breathing.
Second storm to bluster in was the loss of our Labrador Retriever, Tyler. Having lived for 16 joyous years, we knew his time was coming to an end, but the downward spiral got remarkably faster the past few weeks. The humane thing to do was to put him out of his misery. However, in light of my father's illness, nothing about it felt "humane". Upon arriving for his appointment at the Vet's Saturday morning, the assistants pretty much took one look at him and knew there was nothing else to be done. Ty's weight was 48 lbs that day ... at his peak of health he weighed 90 lbs. A shell of the dog he once was. Thankfully, it was quiet and peaceful and we all know that Ty is running somewhere with a bunch of other dogs, awaiting the arrival of his family members someday in the distant future. Unfortunately, the family left behind feels, as my son so eloquently put it, "like a puzzle missing a piece that makes the picture whole."
Finally, and trust me, this is the absolute LEAST of the difficulties we have faced, I have injured my leg. Same leg that has given me problems since High School, however, this time, even after a week of rest, the pain is not going away. Diminished from one week ago when I could barely walk, but still very painful. Every movement, every step, every twist emits a sharp stab, and when I keep perfectly still, it remains a distant ache. The reason this injury belongs in the realm of the perfect storm is how it has managed to affect my mental outlook. It's very difficult to remain optimistic in the face of cancer, death and loss. It's pretty much impossible when every movement is emphasized by sharp pain.
I have spent the past week in a fog. I am well-acquainted with depression and know the signs. Feeling tired, lethargic, lacking energy or desire, loss of appetite, crying bouts ... these are all classic February moments for me. Out of control of my life. It's not a good place for me to be.
I have tried to continue doing the things I know I need to do. I have been to the gym, I have tried to eat according to my plan. My workouts have had to be altered in relation to the leg injury ... which frankly ticks me off. My food ... well, I would eat a couple of bites ... but lets be honest ... NOTHING tastes good. So for the most part I have pushed my plate away. I've spent a fair amount of time reading, playing computer games, doing mindless activities that I don't have to think during. Put the brain on autopilot and just make it through, one minute to the next.
Today I simply have to change that.
I can not keep going like this. I have to find control of my life somehow, and I guess right now the only thing I CAN control is my food and my workouts. So what if they are not what I wish they could be. I am going to work hard at what I can work hard at. I've spent the past several months going to town on my legs due to the shoulder surgery. I guess now I can let the legs have their break and amp up the upper body workout. There are still things I can not do, thanks to that rotator cuff, but there are enough other things that I should be able to get in a great workout without over using the legs. And I can write down all of my food again, measure it out, eat when I am supposed to.
I can control these things, even if I can not control anything else in my life. My world is not going to get easier over the next year, only more difficult and more emotional. I need to take charge of it right now, so I can be strong, hopeful and optimistic for my Dad when the going gets rough. I've got to make this boat as strong as it can possibly be so that it will come out on the other side of the storm, battered and bruised possibly, but intact. That, I can control.
The largest, most difficult and most important was the discovery of my Dad's Glioblastoma (wrote about in last post). An inoperable monster of a tumor, bent on destruction, invading both hemisphere's of his brain. It simply takes your breath away to think about it. The world around me changed in an instant; things important before no longer held value. Plans scrambled and rearranged. Priorities shifted drastically. I've spent a great deal of time reading up on this monster, praying, crying, questioning. Now I am just working on breathing.
Second storm to bluster in was the loss of our Labrador Retriever, Tyler. Having lived for 16 joyous years, we knew his time was coming to an end, but the downward spiral got remarkably faster the past few weeks. The humane thing to do was to put him out of his misery. However, in light of my father's illness, nothing about it felt "humane". Upon arriving for his appointment at the Vet's Saturday morning, the assistants pretty much took one look at him and knew there was nothing else to be done. Ty's weight was 48 lbs that day ... at his peak of health he weighed 90 lbs. A shell of the dog he once was. Thankfully, it was quiet and peaceful and we all know that Ty is running somewhere with a bunch of other dogs, awaiting the arrival of his family members someday in the distant future. Unfortunately, the family left behind feels, as my son so eloquently put it, "like a puzzle missing a piece that makes the picture whole."
Finally, and trust me, this is the absolute LEAST of the difficulties we have faced, I have injured my leg. Same leg that has given me problems since High School, however, this time, even after a week of rest, the pain is not going away. Diminished from one week ago when I could barely walk, but still very painful. Every movement, every step, every twist emits a sharp stab, and when I keep perfectly still, it remains a distant ache. The reason this injury belongs in the realm of the perfect storm is how it has managed to affect my mental outlook. It's very difficult to remain optimistic in the face of cancer, death and loss. It's pretty much impossible when every movement is emphasized by sharp pain.
I have spent the past week in a fog. I am well-acquainted with depression and know the signs. Feeling tired, lethargic, lacking energy or desire, loss of appetite, crying bouts ... these are all classic February moments for me. Out of control of my life. It's not a good place for me to be.
I have tried to continue doing the things I know I need to do. I have been to the gym, I have tried to eat according to my plan. My workouts have had to be altered in relation to the leg injury ... which frankly ticks me off. My food ... well, I would eat a couple of bites ... but lets be honest ... NOTHING tastes good. So for the most part I have pushed my plate away. I've spent a fair amount of time reading, playing computer games, doing mindless activities that I don't have to think during. Put the brain on autopilot and just make it through, one minute to the next.
Today I simply have to change that.
I can not keep going like this. I have to find control of my life somehow, and I guess right now the only thing I CAN control is my food and my workouts. So what if they are not what I wish they could be. I am going to work hard at what I can work hard at. I've spent the past several months going to town on my legs due to the shoulder surgery. I guess now I can let the legs have their break and amp up the upper body workout. There are still things I can not do, thanks to that rotator cuff, but there are enough other things that I should be able to get in a great workout without over using the legs. And I can write down all of my food again, measure it out, eat when I am supposed to.
I can control these things, even if I can not control anything else in my life. My world is not going to get easier over the next year, only more difficult and more emotional. I need to take charge of it right now, so I can be strong, hopeful and optimistic for my Dad when the going gets rough. I've got to make this boat as strong as it can possibly be so that it will come out on the other side of the storm, battered and bruised possibly, but intact. That, I can control.
“The world isn't interested in the storms you encountered, but whether or not you brought in the ship.” ~Raul Armesto~
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)