So ... you think this is hard ... ?

"Character is what emerges from all the little things you were too busy to do yesterday, but did anyway." ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's
Notebook, 1966

I have a friend, whom I love dearly and who might very well read these words. So, I'm just gonna say, yes, YOU inspired me to write today. But it's not all because of what you wrote, but also about things I have thought myself, things other people have said to me ... just thoughts that have interceded where they ought not for far too long.

There is somebody out there that thinks what I am doing is hard. TOO hard. That it is impossible for a regular working woman, a single mom, an average joe who enjoys playing a little in life when the work day is done. Who would rather NOT head to the gym after the work day is over or on a blessed, sunny weekend day. I get that. I really, really do. I think it all the time. "I should do the laundry, clean the house, weed the flower beds, clean out the garage, go to the grocery, have lunch with my friend ... a million other things ... I really should do those right NOW instead of heading to the gym." Or here's another one I hit myself with all the time: "It's BEAUTIFUL OUT! I do not WANT to sit in a stinky room surrounded by iron things and sweat in the A/C. I WANT to get a tall glass of Iced Tea, a really good book and sit in the back yard."

That part of the job? Ignoring the inner voice? Yep, that part IS hard. The hardest part, in fact. It's the part I struggle with the most. But that's not what spurred me to write today. It is that somehow you have been left with the impression that the actual work I am doing is hard. The lifting of iron stuff part. It's not.

OK, it is ... but not necessarily in the way you might be thinking.

Don't choose not to work out with me because you don't think you can do the things I am doing. ANYBODY can do this stuff. I was doing this stuff the day I started. The weights and the reps were a little lower, is all. The actual movements, the "exercises" are simple, and standing side by side, the only way to tell any difference would be to look at the number on the weight in our hands. Nobody does that. Or rather, nobody cares. Trust me when I tell you that many of the other humans in my weight room are pushing and pulling HUNDREDS of pounds heavier than me. If I waited until I was at their level ... well, I guess I would never start because I am not made to bench press 300 lbs. And the totally cut personal trainer that often works out at the same time as me? She can pull off a whole bunch of pull ups completely unassisted. If I waited until I was at her level ... I 'd never get there. Because, at some point, maybe 20 years ago, but still at some point ... she started off JUST LIKE ME. I choose to be inspired by her and the other, stronger, inhabitants of my gym space, rather than intimidated.

Doing the work, that's not the hard part. Getting there, leaving your pride at the door, putting in the time and not offering yourself any excuses? That is. Seeing results? It is like getting a big, fat bonus in every paycheck. When I do the work, I get the bonus. When I don't do the work. I either put in harder work the next time, or I start losing out on that big fat bonus. When I give up or stop showing up? I not only lose the bonus, I lose the paycheck.

I read an article a few days ago about some of the things a woman could now do after having gotten more fit. It inspired me enough that I am going to share a few of my big fat bonuses with you all. And here's the kicker ... I am not even done! There's still so much more reward to come. (As long as I keep putting in the work.)

Things I can do NOW that I couldn't do 50 lbs ago:

1) Run 4 miles without walking
2) Sit in the middle seat of an airplane comfortably
3) See my feet when I look down (without bending forward!)
4) Run bases a heck of a lot faster
5) Wear heels without killing my feet or knees
6) Do 100 bicep curls with a 15 lbs. weight
7) Wear the pj's my son and hubby got me for Christmas this year
8) Lots and lots of walking lunges (I hate them, but I can do them ...)
9) 45 minutes on the stairmaster at a level 10
10) push ups, pull ups, sit ups, chin ups, & other "ups" that were downs before

That's just 10 ... I could sit here all day and come up with other cool stuff. There's still 20 more lbs to go until goal, then probably 10 or 15 more after that for cutting. I can't wait to see what I will be able to do then!

"The difference between try and triumph is a little umph." ~Author Unknown

Do Not Judge Me.

"To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves." ~Will
Durant

Have you ever had your feelings hurt by someone, knowing full well that it was unintentional, or said with complete and utter ignorance of a situation? It makes your heart sink a little in your chest, causes your breath to catch. Possibly, it makes you question your own motivations for doing the things that you do, for living the life you choose to live.

It happens to me a lot. Probably most often because I portray such a "tough exterior". The face I show to the world is one that is not often hurt. I learned at a very young age to hide emotion. Quite possibly, if you say something directly to me and are staring intently into my face, what you will see is a tightening of the cheeks, a hardening of the eyes. Maybe I will pause a moment before I answer or my voice will be a little quieter and more controlled than it ordinarily is. If you are not standing in front of me, or you are not looking for these signs, most likely you will never know that your words bothered me. I will probably bury the hurt inside somewhere and turn to the next person, or the next item on my agenda, smile, and go about my business. But down in that hole where these types of affronts are buried? My thoughts are churning. I am deciding if you are worth the time and effort it will take to correct you. More often than not, you will end up as the subject of a blog entry, usually without a name referenced. If you were aware of your words, you might recognize yourself in mine. If not, then it is just a place for me to write my opinion and send it off into the universe, possibly to educate others on the importance of being mindful of how easy it is to hurt one another.

We all have our own path to walk. God has given each of us specific gifts and required that we use them for good, that we spread the wealth of His goodness and hope that the seeds will take root and generosity and happiness can spring forth from them. I have always been told that my gifts are music and writing. Music I share as much for my own enjoyment as for others. Luckily, God decided that I should be able to carry a tune, so my singing might actually be somewhat enjoyable. With my writing, I try to convey my own struggles and successes. I use my written word to share my life and the lessons I have been taught with others who might have similar needs and desires.

I also believe that God gave me a desire to keep His temple, my body, in its best condition possible. I have found that when I am fueling it properly and I am keeping it tuned up regularly, I am far more effective with the other gifts He has given me. It's not just vanity, although as a human being, I am quite sure that vanity does indeed play a part. We all want to look good. But, from the bottom of my heart I can tell you, it is far more important to me that I FEEL good. I am happier, I am more productive, I have more energy, I am better able to utilize the gifts I have been given in a way which might be pleasing to the One who created this temple I have to live in.

If there are others who choose to walk a different path, that is perfectly fine with me. I do not judge ANYONE based upon their appearance. Goodness knows, I have spent a lot of years going against the fire inside me, living an unhealthy and unhappy life. I was not created to be a sedentary person. My system is not created to be happy and healthy on lower octane foods. God gave each of us a different set of gifts and priorities, He created each and everyone of us differently and I have to believe that pertains to our physical self as well. For some, the fuel they put into their bodies doesn't change their mentality one iota. For me, it makes all the difference in the world. I simply function better when I am eating clean and working out. And God gave me the gift of writing in order to share it with others who might be built similar to me.

What I ask, is that you not judge me based upon my lifestyle. I am not obsessed with food. I am not obsessed with working out. I am absolutely addicted to feeling healthy and whole and productive and HAPPY. I also LOVE sharing it with anyone who is interested. If you are not interested, that's just fine. I am happy for you that you have found your path and are walking it with joy and fulfillment, knowing that you are living your life exactly as God created you to be. But don't ridicule me, or judge me, because my path is different than yours. Leave my words for those who can benefit from them and be happy for me that I am racing down my own path, exactly as I was created to do.

Remember, too, that you have the ability to hurt and cause harm to others when you ignorantly judge them, based upon your own standards. Luckily, I have come to a place in my life where I understand that I am created differently from everyone else and I know longer feel the need to conform to someone else's standards. I am kind of OK with being different and I like being who I am. Your words won't cause irreparable harm to my life. But years ago I was not so lucky and it has taken quite some time to get to this point. Treat everyone, speak to everyone, write about everyone, with the same amount of respect you would hope to be given in return.

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them." ~Mother
Teresa~

Blah day

It's pouring outside. Torrential. So much for mowing the lawn today. Ah well ... that's the way it goes, I guess.

I find it so hard to get motivated on a day like this. There is something inherent in my nature that makes me want to brew another cup of coffee and snuggle up on the couch with a good book when the weather turns grey and dreary. I guess it's a good thing I DON'T live in Ireland. Although, I guess I could probably get work as a publishing house reader or book critic ...

Just wanted to state it for the record, my softball team has won all of its games, except for one (which we should have won, but decided to hand over in a single inning as a special gift to the other team). It was nice to have a win as a birthday gift. The next 2 weeks are back to back double headers. That's always a bit more tricky.

Changing up my lifting schedule made a difference in my swing last night. I was far less fatigued and hit well. No home runs, but solid hits and I can accept that. My legs have also been responding well and so far I haven't re-injured that knee. Keeping up with the physical therapy (at home) and being smart as I train, running less, but keeping up with the cardio machines. Seems to be working.

Even my writing is a bit on the blah side today. I guess I just need to get dressed and head on over to the gym. Maybe a nice sweat session will bring some spring back into my step. If not, at least I will be done with my "work" and can curl up with that book and coffee without any guilt.

"Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set
yourself on fire." ~Arnold H. Glasow~

Happy Birthday To Me

Today I turn 41 years old. No longer do I get to say "I am 40" ... now I am "in my 40's". Early 40's, yes ... but 40's nonetheless. It's not old ... have you heard? 40's are the new 20's. Turning 40 was momentous for me. Not because I turned *gasp* 40! But rather because my husband fulfilled a life long dream of mine ... to visit Ireland. I spent the entire year edging up to that birthday in eager anticipation. I could NOT WAIT to turn 40 ... because it meant the Emerald Isle was close to follow.

41 is a little less momentous. My darling husband is travelling this week. Oh hey ... did I forget to mention? Chris and I share the same birthday. He is 8 years older than I am, but the date on the calendar is the same. It's kind of fun actually. I always have someone to celebrate with. Usually. This year he's off in Tampa and I am home. We did, however, celebrate a wonderful evening out with friends Saturday. Preemptive celebration works, too. My plans for today, the actual date of my birthday, include swimming laps at the "Y" and playing ... ahem ... WINNING a softball game tonight.

And eating right.

I should mention that I *gasp* ate 2 chocolate chip cookies last night. I missed my mid-afternoon snack due to a last minute phone call from hubby when Ian and I were trying to race out the door to karate. Not his fault ... I should have been more prepared. But I simply forgot to grab what I needed and remembered over halfway to our destination. Needless to say, by the time the class was over, I was FAMISHED. We stopped at the grocer's to get Ian something for supper. (I had leftover pasta, from a Clean Eating Magazine recipe, outstanding ... and I WILL share the recipe today. It's phenom!) The cookies were there, they sang a siren song that sounded something like "They say its your birthday, got choco chip cookies for you ... na nana nanana ..." Sing along with me, you know you recognize the tune ... So eat them I did (who can resist?) Today there will be no cake or ice cream or off plan foods to be had. I am sticking with the program. It is, after all, the best birthday gift I can give myself.

A far healthier 2nd half of life than the first was. Looking better, feeling better, BEING better than I ever have before. Happy Birthday to me!

I got some gifts yesterday. From Monica. Yes, yes, THAT Monica. 2 incredible t-shirts (One says "Chicken or Chocolate - you choose" and the other "Leg day. No hurt - no short skirt". Nice.) and a handful of photographs, personally autographed by her with things such as "Christina, Stay focused on your goals" and "Christina, Keep working hard!" There are 6 total, all personally autographed with a special message. Ok, so I paid for them. (It's ok to laugh at me right now!) But I bought the pictures to use as motivation, I honestly didn't expect them all to be autographed with my name on them. I am thrilled. I am also pretty sure Monica is down there in Texas thinking "OMG! Whoever this Christina chick is ... she's obsessed with me!!! Scary!" I'm not obsessed in a stalker chick way, Mo ... I just really want to physically look a lot more like you. I promise. I am a happily married, heterosexual woman. I swear. :-D (But yes, you do look hot in some of those pictures. It's ok to say that right? I mean, its just being an admiring fan ... ok pretty sure that's your security detail knocking on my door ...)

It was REALLY cool to get them all personally autographed, even if I did probably set off some security alarms in the heads of Monica and her people. Now when I check out her quad definition, I can also hear her voice encouraging me to "Stay fit and love life!" It's a good thing. Far better birthday gift to myself than those 2 chocolate chip cookies were.

So, as I close off this special birthday segment, I wanted to share a few quotes with you. For fun. Enjoy June 15th ... I know I will. Cheers!

In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn't have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order. ~Robert Brault

Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever. ~Don Marquis

Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier. ~Dan Bennett

You're not 40, you're eighteen with 22 years experience. ~Author Unknown

A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip. ~Author Unknown

It's the Little Things

Getting back into the game has actually been easier than I anticipated. Once I made the decision to get up off the bench, quit stretching and start playing, my body (and my mindset!) has launched into hyper-drive.

Maureen and I worked out a new food rotation which, while not being as rigid as in the past, is still clean and healthy ... and far easier to stick to. We also came up with a workout plan that involves 2 extremely heavy lift days (one upper and one lower body), 2 lighter lift days and 2 cardio heavy installments. I worked my arms to failure on Friday and followed it up by shredding my lower body on Saturday. (My bumm is still sore!) In spite of a couple glasses of wine accompanying my birthday dinner out on Saturday evening, I am down nearly 5 lbs. from last Wednesday.

FINALLY!

During the whole process, the mantra of "It's the little things that make the difference" has been replaying in my head. Little things like adding a couple of pounds onto a weight rack. Like taking that squat just a little deeper, and holding it just a little longer. Or measuring out that 1/2 cup of Greek yogurt instead of eyeballing it. Drinking all of the WATER in the daily requirement instead of counting 3 cups of coffee as part of that total.

I have also found myself thinking "What would Monica do?" Silly, I know. But ... it worked for me. Saturday, when my arms ached and I nearly talked myself into throwing my schedule to the wind and taking that day off instead of the next (Sunday) I thought to myself "What would Monica do? You have a dinner out, you can't control how the food will be prepared, even if you choose the healthiest choice on the menu. You are planning to drink a glass or 2 of wine. Do you want those extra calories on your more sedentary day? Or should you go out an earn that meal out? If you were a serious fitness professional, if you were Monica, what would you do?" Well, I went out and earned the heck out of that meal. Sunday morning, my body rewarded me by dropping another pound.

I was also able to find motivational inspiration during the sermon on Sunday. Of course, Pastor Jim was speaking about becoming your most spiritually healthy, but the lesson he laid out was just as pertinent for physical health. And really, in my life at least, those 2 go hand in hand. Opening with the line "How to Overcome - Your failures do not define you", my attention was immediately held captive. Pastor Jim continued to lay out all the stages of relapse and the factors contributing to it. Striving to be the best you that God intended, that God CREATED you to be. Heady stuff.

It's also the little things that can sneak in and disrupt you. Those little memories that can send you quickly down the wrong path, if you let them. For me, most of those involve my Dad right now. I am allowed to be sad, but I am trying really hard to focus on the positive things. Looking for a Father's Day card for what is probably my last with my Dad was unexpectedly difficult. In hindsight, I should have expected it ... but I didn't and the faucet on my emotions was loosened a great deal this weekend. Instead of letting it drag me down, I decided that maybe it is just time to go with it, wear the waterproof mascara and expect to cry a bit more for a while. Most of all, though, I decided to enjoy as much time as I can with my son, as Dad's illness has proven that all of our days on earth are numbered, and enjoying every little thing, every single day, is really the best way to live them.

So, I guess, learning to place greater importance on the little things in life can result in some big changes. At least, it has been for me.

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. ~Robert Brault~

7th inning stretch is over.

It's amazing how spending a little time reading about the life of one of my favorite fitness icons can inspire me to stay on program. Hopefully, Monica won't mind if I post her picture at the top of my blog for a few days. (I don't get any money for the writing of this particular blog - this is purely for my own inspiration.) For me, Monica Brant is the ultimate fitness inspiration. She's been in the biz for over 20 years and she remains one of the most fit, most beautiful, most inspiring of all the models gracing magazine covers today. If I had a genie granting wishes, I would spend them all requesting to emulate her physique and dedication.

As I have been struggling lately with every kind of obstacle, there have been some very clear moments when I have wanted to quit altogether; to become complacent and accept that my current figure, vastly improved from 8 months ago, is good enough. I have wanted to simply stop and be content with where I am now, even if it is not anywhere near where I wanted to be when I began this journey. I have wanted to accept that this is as good as it is going to get for me, and force myself to be happy with that limited perception of my abilities.

However, compare me side by side with Monica, my inspiration, and there is no denying I have a LONG ways to go.

It's time to stop kvetching about my food. It's time to train harder, and yes, smarter, in order to avoid injury. It's time to expect the tough things from my body, instead of the easy. Time to stop complaining and start working. Time to stop hearing the compliments, and start focusing on the end of the game. If you quit before the game is over, it doesn't matter what kind of lead you built up - you will always lose before it's done. 7th inning stretch is over - bring in the closer to finish this thing strong.

Rant (FULL of complaints!)

I hate tuna fish. It is vile. I eat it because it is “good for me” – high in protein, low in fat and calories, yada, yada. But I really, really do hate the stuff. I like chicken … but I am bored with even that. I don’t eat beef or pork, if it is at all within my control. I don’t have time to make grilled fish for every meal, nor would I want it as I get tired of fish even faster than I get tired of chicken. Right now, the meatless options such as Quorn chicken or Boca Burgers are “not allowed”. My options for food are so extremely limited right now that I would actually prefer not to eat at all. I am BORED with my food … I hate what I eat. I am finding it very hard to stay on plan, to eat my 5-6 meals per day when the food tastes like crap or cardboard … or makes me want to vomit, as does tuna. I “like” salad … but not every single day. It’s the same problem. Lettuce tastes like lettuce, the texture doesn’t change. It’s just … lettuce. I can’t stand the taste of fat free salad dressings … and the few low fat options that I can stomach I have used so much that I don’t care if I ever eat them again. Blueberries are fine. Grapes are fine. Strawberries, too. But I get them so infrequently in my menu plans that the (expensive) package goes bad before I can get halfway through. My other option is to freeze them, which renders them good only for oatmeal. So every 3rd day I can drop a ¼ cup of frozen blueberries into my oatmeal. Yippy skippy. That doesn’t help me when I am looking for a snack that is acceptable. So I tried cherries (bought some for the family as they are in season). Cherries are fruit, high in antioxidants, fairly low in calories. I ate 20 of them (with pits, which I spit out of course) as a snack. Then later in the day when I was looking for something to go along with my roasted veggies in a whole wheat pita sandwich (which wasn't on plan, but seriously, come on!), I grabbed 5 green olives. Because frankly? I had no desire to steam some broccoli or asparagus just for me. It didn’t sound good, I am BORED with both of them, and I was late getting dinner anyway. It should be noted that I looked it up … there are 25 calories total in a serving of 5 green olives. But it was something different that tasted good and didn’t make me want to quit. Again.

I don’t want to eat like my Mom cooks. I can’t stand eating pig at all and that was nearly every meal while we were there. But I honestly can’t stomach my current menu, either. I have no desire whatsoever to stay true to it. I realize that this is my problem, not the foods and I should just “get over it and myself and do it”. But when I sat here thinking those things to myself when I received a blank email from my trainer entitled “Cherries? Olives?” all I wanted to do was QUIT. That’s what ran through my head the moment I read the email (or rather the title of the email, as the body of the email itself was blank) … really? Cherries and olives are questionable items? Fine … then I give up. I quit. Because I do NOT WANT TO EAT THE OTHER CRAP ANYMORE.

And then I cried.

I cried because I don’t want to let myself down. I cried because I don’t want to let her down. I don’t want to fail or quit or give up. But I don’t see how I can keep going with the current menu. I would rather quit eating altogether. I went back and looked at the menu this morning, trying to get myself back on plan and I just couldn’t do it. I sat here nursing my coffee until 9am because I couldn’t bear the thought of egg whites and toast, cereal with skim milk or oatmeal. And those were my only options. I seriously considered skipping altogether. But I knew that was bad, too. Worse, actually. So, I mixed 3/8 c. blueberries with a 5.3 oz. container of FF vanilla Greek yogurt. Pretty sure I will get a “questionable” email on that too … but there is a part of me that is just not caring anymore.

It’s now 10:30am and I know I need to eat a snack/lunch type thing in an hour or so … and my options are: 3 oz chicken on lettuce with ½ c brown rice or 3 oz chicken on Arnold roll with mustard or 3 oz chicken breast with ½ c brown rice. And none of those options is in the least appealing to me. Not to mention the fact that they are not options. Pretty much the same thing.

It’s not that I need food to be fun. It’s just that, right now, I would rather starve than eat this stuff. I’ve never been very good at eating the same thing over and over. Some things, yes, of course. Who couldn’t eat chocolate every day? But not this type of food. I need to get it changed … because in my head, the options are quit eating altogether … or quit trying to stay on plan. The “eat it anyway even if it makes you puke” option is off the table.

So … that’s my rant. Maybe tomorrow I will feel better?