Goodbye, Daddy

What is sadness? Is it loss, or loneliness, regret, or fear? Is it an emptiness ... or perhaps just an ache, where something used to be, but is no longer?

Today, my Daddy died. Where once there was a strong presence, even in absence, there is a void which will remain unfilled for the rest of my days. We knew it was coming, brain tumors of this sort offer little hope. The knowledge has done nothing to assuage the emptiness in my heart. To a little girl, Daddy is everything.

This morning, before I knew, when I said a prayer for him, I whispered "I always loved you best." It's not entirely true of course. As a parent with multiple children loves each of them equally, yet separately and individually, so I love my parents, each equally, individually and uniquely. But it was my Daddy that I always strove to please.

I could be less than perfect with my Mum. I shared my failures with her, I shared my fears and my tears. But I tried my hardest for my Dad. I wanted his pride more than anything. Being a man of few words, I honestly did not often know if my attempts were noticed, or appreciated, by him. Now that the opportunity has completely passed, I will always wish I had come right out and asked "Hey, Dad ... did I do OK? Are you proud of the person I grew up to be?"

Because I wanted to be so strong and independent (qualities I felt he admired), I very rarely showed him my soft, vulnerable side. I did not hug him readily, tell him I loved him frequently, did not reveal to him exactly how much his respect meant to me. My attempts to do so in the last few months since his diagnosis have been clumsy at best. I will forever regret the years I wasted, now that the opportunities have completely slipped away. I can only hope that he always knew, and the last few months solidified it, in some way.

If I have learned anything at all from this, it is that ANY opportunity is a good one to tell someone what they mean to you. Forgive easily and don't hold grudges. Worry less about revealing your vulnerability and more about revealing the truth in your heart. Love with everything you have and as if this is the last time you might get the chance. Live every moment of your life, dance upon your road and don't be afraid to sing with joy at every opportunity. It's short, this path.

I love you, Daddy. And I will miss you every day. I hope that you are playing golf on the green of your dreams, spending eternity in the glorious presence of God. I imagine He plays a mean round of golf. I look forward to catching up in the club house someday and telling you how proud I am to be your daughter.

QUITTERS NEVER WIN.

June 18th. Really? It's been a long time, folks, and for that I am truly sorry.

In my defense, my life has been a little bit of a whirlwind. Take that back. My life has been a whacked out freak of a roller coaster ride that has had me screaming to get off, to absolutely no avail. The ride must go on, until it is over, or until the guy behind the controls chooses to shut the whole thing down. I'm kind of hopin' he plans to keep my personal ride going for a while longer ... but a little request for less whoop-de-whirls has been submitted.

My Dad is not good. His brain tumor did not respond to the chemo and radiation treatments and about 2 weeks ago they stopped all treatment and put him in hospice. Currently, he is at a facility receiving the best care possible, spending most of his time sleeping. I was able to spend 2 weeks up there Mid-July and am heading back up next weekend. It's not enough, not nearly, but it's what I have ... that and my prayers for his peace. Living so far away from family makes these times especially difficult. Having a husband who travels extensively for work and an 8-year old son with needs of his own, make it even more difficult. I have had to work my way through a lot of guilt lately. Not being there enough for my Dad, Mom, Sister. Not being a *present* Mom to my son, being completely emotionally unavailable to my husband. Being angry at God, at the world, at situations beyond my control. Letting my goals slip completely off my radar. Not being true to myself at all. Times like these, self-focus is not only impossible, its unthinkable. I am the least important person in my world right now ... and my exercise and eating habits have reflected that.

So here I am, 3 weeks out from a trip to the beach (my in-laws 50th Anniversary celebration) and I have a few mini-goals that I am trying to fit in. Getting to the gym at least 5 times a week. Getting a good workout in EVERY day of the week. eating small, healthy meals and writing them down so I have something keeping me accountable. Oh yeah, and hitting that ever-elusive 165 lbs. mark by 8/22/10. I wanted to be at 145, my goal weight, but I have been stuck in the low 170's for MONTHS now. Somewhat due to a plateau, mostly due to letting my focus get off track. Yes, it is excusable. I already know that. But it is NOT who I am ... and I do NOT want to undo all the work I have accomplished in the last year. It's OK for the train to stop at the station every once in a while. It is UNACCEPTABLE to jump the dang track.

In the fall, when Ian gets back to school, I intend to start boxing. I have located a gym, I have visited the kettlebell class there (intend to also go back to that), I have talked with the owner a little. It seems I need to have something to work towards and with my knee problems, running races aren't going to be something I can do on a regular basis. This interests me - and I know it is tough. It will also be pretty good for the old aggression. It's also pretty intimidating.

I don't want to be the person who gives up before actually making a goal. I just had this conversation with my son last night. Quitters NEVER win. Quitters ALWAYS lose. I know that is not politically correct in our society any longer. We tell our children it's "OK" to come in 2nd or 3rd, it's OK not to win, it only matters that we try. And this is TRUE. However, if you didn't try as hard as you possibly can, if you did not give every last ounce of effort, if you QUIT before you make it to the finish line because things got tough, obstacles got in the way, your feelings got hurt, your world turned upside down ... that is NOT OK. Winners don't let things get in their way. They work around them, work in spite of them, work through them ... but they NEVER quit working. Ian got it last night, when he made it through 2.5 hours of conditioning training in football with a twisted ankle. I need to make it through 30 more pounds with a twisted life. And remind myself: QUITTERS NEVER WIN.

165 here I come.