So long, 2010

See, here's the thing ... I have spent the past several months of 2010 as a less disciplined person than I was the beginning months. Today, as I was stepping in time on the stair master, I was reminded that one year ago, I was just a few short days out of shoulder surgery. I was adamant that nothing would get in the way of my progress, so I worked out daily, one arm in a sling. I ate clean every single day. This take it all and leave nothing behind attitude stood up very well for me. Until April 25th. That's the date of my race in Toledo. My first real race since moving to Rochester. The race itself is superfluous ... I ran well, I had my personal best time, I enjoyed the time with my BFF, Toni. However, 2 things happened on the way home. First, I took my tired, aching body and put it into the drivers seat of a car for 7 hours. My already damaged left knee seized up on me and has given me no relief since. Second, during the ride home, I received a call from my Mom that changed my life forever. My Dad had a brain tumor and the news never got any better after that.

2010 has been a very difficult year for me. Obstacles at every turn, heartbreak around every corner. The least important thing on my list of "things" was taking care of the physical aspect of me. This isn't to say that I dropped everything. I still went to the gym regularly. I still tried to follow a clean eating regimen. But my heart has not been in it for a long time.

Dad died on August 9th and, frankly, the grieving process took a surprisingly long time to start. Although I was heartbroken and sad, I had no idea how much I had lost until many months after his death. Once I finally arrived at that part of the process, I was too confused to realize what was happening. All I knew, for certain, was that I had no control over me at all. I found no joy in the things I used to do, for me. I had a difficult time finding joy in my family. Kleenex commercials would render me useless for days.

I think it was October when I finally succumbed to Maureen's prodding to sign up for some boxing training. I know she was reaching deep to find something to inspire me, something to draw out that person who was so on fire at the beginning of the year. I enjoyed it, but it has only been in the last month that I have started feeling a little bit of that fire in my belly.

Hitting a punching bag has been tremendous therapy. As I started finding my way back, I also had to work my way through several exercise-induced weeping sessions. Coach Dom, at ROC Boxing has convinced me that kettlebell training is very much suited to my personality (He says I am a Spartan!) and I have embraced that as well. It's taken me several months, but I have finally found my way back to that competitive minded, exercise & fitness freak that I was before the trauma.

In 2 days, on Sunday January 2nd, I start training wtih the Competitive Kettlebell Group at ROC. Did you know that they have kettlebell competitions at the Arnold? Sure do. With my knee issues, running races are really not a great fit. Living in Upstate NY, bike races are few and far between. Finding something that I can train for, compete in and actually have a chance of excelling at seemed a distant dream. Kettlebell fulfills that ... and I am really enjoying the challenge. The fact that it is a seriously intense cardio/interval/weight training workout only ups the ante.

So, I bid adieu to 2010. I will look back on it with sadness for taking my Daddy from me. I am excited to start fresh tomorrow morning, a brand new 2011, filled with good and wonderful things. Blessings to you all, and an absolutely fantastic New Year.

“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” ~Carl Bard~

125 Days

Only 125 Days until the Arnold Expo in Columbus, OH. Only 125 days to lose about 40 lbs. so I can look like someone who has a right to be at the Arnold Expo. OK, EVERYONE has the right to go, even me. But after a year of working my butt off, I want to walk around this show with my head held high, knowing that I have seriously kicked my own booty into gear. I want to walk up to the iconic Monica Brant and tell her what an inspiration she is to me ... without looking like I have not been inspired for a moment of my life.

No, I am not competing. No, I am not going to be wearing some little body-bearing shorts and top. I am going to dress like me, be ME, just the "in-better-shape" version of me I have been striving for.

Which means I have 125 days to get my butt into high gear. And right in time for the holidays to hit.

Oy vey!

I have always wanted to attend this event ... and now that it's driving distance for me, the only thing holding me back ... is ME. Maureen is always trying to get me to set goals, which I am hesitant to do in fear of falling short. Again. But this seemed a relatively tame one. Simply work hard so I can look and feel my best, then reward myself with a trip to view the seriously disciplined (and in many cases, serious NUT JOBS!) who actually do step on a stage. No high-heel wearing, bikini flaunting for me ... just a chance to see and possibly meet some of the professionals in the industry. Possibly look for freelance writing opportunities. Become inspired by the amazing physiques.

Oh yeah, and Maureen wants us to run some race or something.

Hmmmm ... we shall see on that one.

For my friends and family who fear that I am too focused on my body, please understand that I am absolutely NOT. I struggle to stay focused whatsoever on my body. I read, write and learn about industry professionals, such as my favorite, Monica Brant, in order to become inspired. I am not gifted, physically, I am not naturally beautiful, I have no desire to model, or compete in a bathing suit. What I do desire is to push my body to its limit, whatever that might be. I desire to see muscle tone when I look in the mirror (without flexing as hard as I possibly can!) I DO desire to look healthy in my clothes. I love what boxing is doing for my body, and my self-esteem. I love the feeling of finishing a 5k at MY best time. I love pulling out a pair of jeans I have not worn in a few years and finding I can not only put them on, but they are actually too large. These things inspire me to eat better, make me happier ... which in turn makes me a better wife and mom, and certainly a better friend.

So, don't worry that you are going to see my scary steroid enhanced body in some freak magazine ... I wouldn't do that. I think that's disgusting. My goals are simple ... be the best me I can be.

And, eventually, knock some younger chick out in a boxing ring. yeah ... that would be seriously cool.

"One reason so few of us achieve what we truly want is that we never direct our focus; we never concentrate our power. Most people dabble their way through life, never deciding to master anything in particular." ~Tony Robbins~

GOALS

I have been watching the scale slide up lately, rather than the preferred down. It's frustrating because I feel like I am doing most things right. However, its obvious I am not doing everything right. So I gotta have a plan.

I will be writing down all of my food intake for a while. Probably need to plan on doing it forever, since it is much easier to fudge when I don't. It's also easier to EAT fudge when I don't. Not that I have ... but still, I know from experience, if I am not journaling, little cheats creep in. And then I promptly forget about them. So I will carry a little notebook with me at all times, and if it enters my mouth, it enters the book. I will eat what I am supposed to, when I am supposed to and I will drink a gallon of water per day. I just will.

I am "scheduling my workouts" in my calendar. I am also scheduling specific activities for specific days. The schedule is subject to change according to what the workouts are, but each time I receive a new workout plan, I will sit and re-vamp the calendar/schedule. Currently it is:

Sunday: Day of Rest (yay!)
Monday: Shoulders/Abs/Cardio
Tuesday: legs/Abs/Cardio
Wednesday: Back & Triceps/Step Class for Cardio
Thursday: Boxing & Kettlebell (cardio is mixed in with that)/afternoon-evening walk
Friday: Rest on the Weights/Cardio for endurance (60 mins or more)
Saturday: Chest & Biceps/Abs/Cardio

I am aiming for 10,000 steps per day, a mere 5 miles running per week and lots of elliptical and stair climbing for my cardio activities. Today I will buy a new pedometer ... one that won't reset itself each time I move the wrong way. And I will track those steps.

I've been doing this for about a year now. I have made significant strides toward my goal. Now I want to blast my goals off the planet so I can have new ones. And new clothes. And I desperately want to be in my best physical shape ever when I head back to Ireland a year from now with the girls. That's my reward for making my goal and since I am definitely going, I better make the goals!

Ok, so enough talking about my plans ... it is time to head out the door and hit the gym and start accomplishing the tasks set before me.

"Goals. There's not telling what you can do when you get inspired by them. There's no telling what you can do when you believe in them. There's no telling what will happen when you act upon them." ~Jim Rohn~

Happiness is ...

In the musical "You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown", there is a wonderful song called "Happiness is ...". Lyrics are as follows:

HAPPINESS IS FINDING A PENCIL.
PIZZA WITH SAUSAGE
TELLING THE TIME.
HAPPINESS IS LEARNING TO WHISTLE.
TYING YOUR SHOE
FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.
HAPPINESS IS PLAYING THE DRUM
IN YOUR OWN SCHOOL BAND.
AND HAPPINESS IS
WALKING HAND IN HAND.

HAPPINESS IS TWO KINDS OF ICE CREAM.
KNOWING A SECRET.
CLIMBING A TREE.
HAPPINESS IS FIVE DIFFERENT CRAYONS.
CATCHING A FIREFLY.
SETTING HIM FREE.
HAPPINESS IS
BEING ALONE EVERY NOW AND THEN.
AND HAPPINESS IS
COMING HOME AGAIN.

HAPPINESS IS MORNING AND EVENING,
DAY TIME AND NIGHT TIME TOO.
FOR HAPPINESS IS ANYONE
AND ANYTHING AT ALL
THAT'S LOVED BY YOU.
HAPPINESS IS HAVING A SISTER.
SHARING A SANDWICH.
GETTING ALONG.
HAPPINESS IS SINGING TOGETHER
WHEN DAY IS THROUGH,
AND HAPPINESS
IS THOSE WHO SING WITH YOU.

I felt the need to share the lyrics (all of them, no less) to that song, because it is so true. Happiness is something that can be found in the simplest of things. Just as there are days that absolutely EVERYTHING sets me off, sends me flying into a messy funk, there are also times when the craziest things will make me grin from ear to ear. Today? It was shoes.

Yes, shoes. No, not fancy girly shoes. Running shoes. And Cross-Trainers. And Reebok Easy Tone sneakers.

Yep, 3 pairs of wonderful, happiness filled shoes that make me want to run, skip and jump rope.

Ok, so I may have fully funded a 3rd world country for the next year with my purchases ... but I guess that is just my way of spreading the joy.

It all started with the need for some new running shoes. I wear these things everywhere, and if I am going to train for a short little 2.2 mile cross country gig on Turkey Day, its time for new treads. But at boxing today (oh, that was so cool, and oh, will I be chatting about that, too. Another day.) it was quite obvious that my running shoes were not going to cut it in the ring. So, cross-trainers were needed. And while trying on those lovely little gems, a pair of Reebok Easy Tone sneakers caught my eye. I tried them on and they were just so cozy ... well, I had to buy. Had to, I say. So I funded Vietnam (Reebok and Nike) and China (Adidas). Hmmm ... I guess not so much 3rd world ... but I still feel happy. Wish the good ole' USofA was making their own wonderful shoes, right here on our soil, but that's a blog of an entirely different kind.

The point of all this is ... I am so happy with my new shoes. I am happy that my first training session in a boxing ring went well. I am so happy that I can almost forget what a dismal failure I was at jumping rope.

Almost. ;-)

"Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared." ~Buddha ~

Digging Deep

Motivation. Is there a more difficult thing to grasp and hang onto than pure motivation?

mo·ti·va·tion   /ˌmoʊtəˈveɪʃən/ [moh-tuh-vey-shuhn] –noun

1. the act or an instance of motivating.
2. the state or condition of being motivated.
3. something that motivates; inducement; incentive.

Which leads to:

in·cen·tive   /ɪnˈsɛntɪv/ [in-sen-tiv] –noun

1. something that incites or tends to incite to action or greater effort, as a reward offered for increased productivity.
–adjective
2. inciting, as to action; stimulating; provocative.

Right now I am having a difficult time finding that "something" that will incite me to greater effort. There are LOTS of things holding me back from it. For example, my legs are T-I-R-E-D. I don't want to walk up my stairs at home to the bathroom, let alone set foot on an elliptical machine, or do some lunges. My Bi's & Tri's are screaming at me, so they are not interested in assisting my shoulders in today's gym effort. Granted, they are hard as rocks right now, and that is kind of cool. Don't look like Monica, but I look better than I did a year ago, that's for sure.

Other things besides the physical are getting in the way of my motivation, too. A messy house, loads of laundry, errands galore (including figuring out my new food rotation).

Then there's the flat out sinister things that come into play. Non-fat Pumpkin Spice Latte that really, REALLY calls out to me. Apple cider, apple pie, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin bread ... every store, every time ... its there, beckoning you to fall into sinful bliss. Autumn is Satan's food playground. Oh, how I long to frolic on that playground ...

But I am not going to. I take a deep breath right now, filling myself with resolve. I am going to quickly browse through my Eat Clean Cookbook for a great soup recipe I can throw into the crockpot for tonight's dinner. Following, I will quickly compose a grocery list filled with the clean food items I know will be on my menu (chicken breast, egg whites, skim milk, apples, grapes, greens, etc.), then grab my gym bag and head out the door. I will have my mid-morning snack in hand, ready to eat after the workout, before the shopping. I will picture in my head all those dedicated women I aspire to emulate, physically, (especially, as we all know by now, Monica Brant). I will call Dom at ROC and set up my first boxing consult for sometime this week. I will not give in to the temptations on Satan's Playground.

In other words, I am digging deep today for the will power, motivation and incentive to do the things I know I need to do, and earn the rewards I fully intend to see.

"Continuous effort -- not strength or intelligence -- is the key to unlocking our potential." ~Liane Cardes~

"Making an animal of yourself relieves the pain of being a {wo}man." ~Manciata~

Today is a tough day, and by toughing it out, I will make myself tougher. Here's to the toughest.

"If you train hard, you'll not only be hard, you'll be hard to beat." ~Herschel Walker~

Doing Things Differently

Today I am doing things differently.

It's just a decision I made when I woke up. No, this doesn't specifically refer to diet and/or exercise, as I have not been horrible in that department as of late. This directly refers to how I am going to look at the day.

Differently.

You see, lately, I have been waking each morning with a sense of dread about what the day will bring. I have had a victim's mentality, always waiting for the next hit to come, the next thing to destroy what might have been a perfectly ordinary, perfectly wonderful day. We've taken a lot of hits this year, the Gagliano family. But you know what? When I sit and think about it ... there have been more things to celebrate than to mourn. It's just the mournful things have been uniquely large, looming menacingly in every direction, casting huge, impenetrable shadows. Those types of things are rather impossible to avoid.

It must be stated, though, that I gave it the old college try. I am a master avoider. I have often referred to myself as an "Ostrich". My favorite way to face a really big problem is to stick my head in the ground and wait for it to pass. Unfortunately, that leaves my rather large derriere hanging out, prime target for some really serious kicking. I might avoid the problems ... but they never have any intention of avoiding me.

My dad died on August 10th. I cried, I was sad, but I really didn't allow too much time for this particular event in the deeper reaches of my psyche. I have anger, resentment, fear, self-loathing, frustration all mixed in with immeasurable sorrow and loss. Of course, when you are dealing with the loss of a parent, guilt is always involved in the process as well. It is only within the last week or so that I have really allowed myself to just mourn. It's a little frustrating to me, because mourning takes time out an already taxing schedule and I don't have time to spare. But, stick my head in the ground as I will, the mourning will still come.

We've had some very specific problems with my son lately. Lying, backtalk, disrespectful, complete disregard for rules ... and absolutely no fear of whatever punishment we lay down. Take away all his stuff (who cares?), prohibit him from going trick-or-treating (I'm too old for that stuff anyway), Spanking (it doesn't hurt), stand in the corner (it's boring, but whatever), remove all sugar from the diet (just sneaks it when we take our eyes off him for 2 minutes). I mean, come on, is this not frustrating?! Talk about taking away every bit of power that a parent has. Then, his mother, in a fit of rage at having no power over her disrespectful son, throws him and his book bag out of the house one morning and tells him to *get out of my house* ... sending a truly devastated and hurt little boy to school. To tell his teacher about his horrible mom, who threw him out, how he has no place to live, how his parents don't love him and never do anything with him, don't even want to.

I've been at my wits end.

Last night I went to bed as sad as I have been in a long time, and feeling completely out of control. This morning I woke up determined to do things differently.

First, I am taking back the control. I can sit and wait for these bad things to keep coming, or I can decide that I will have a defense already in place to deflect them. I have already contacted a local child psychologist to set up an appointment for my son. It's obvious there are some real issues going on that I am incapable of fixing for him. I am going to get him someone who can help him understand that his behavior is only hurting himself ... and who can hopefully give me some new ideas.

Second, I am contacting ROC Boxing and setting up an appointment next week to go talk about starting a training regimen with them. I am ready for a new challenge. I need something to inspire me. I need a way to release some aggression. I'm not sure if I am physically ready, but I can't wait around for a bum knee to heal, unless I am prepared to get surgery for it. My shoulder is nearly a year out from surgery now. It's time to start expecting a bit more from it. Sure, I'd like to be all skinny before I enter into this training, but its probably not going to happen, so lets just start now and get skinny during. Well, scary, crazy ripped during.

Third, I am removing every type of junk from my house. Sugary junk that is. Looking for a food bank to donate the stuff to. There is just no reason for me to keep on hand cake mixes I won't be making, oreo cookie snacks, soda ... basically anything that I am not allowing my son to eat. It just won't be in the house anymore. Not only does it benefit him, it benefits ME. I don't even like the stuff, but when I go on a binge, its there and it might be disgusting, but its still temptation. If he can't eat it, none of us can. It's only fair.

It's a new day. It's a different day. It's a take charge and make the best out of your life day. It's the only chance at TODAY that I will ever have. I was not born to fail.

"Welcome every morning with a smile. Look on the new day as another special gift from your Creator, another golden opportunity to complete what you were unable to finish yesterday. Be a self-starter. Let your first hour set the theme of success and positive action that is certain to echo through your entire day. Today will never happen again. Don't waste it with a false start or no start at all. You were not born to fail." ~Og Mandino~

Live Today

"How am I going to live today in order to create the tomorrow I'm committed to?" ~Tony Robbins~

I've had a hard time lately with sticking with my plans. Every morning I wake with the same renewed sense of empowerment. I go to bed each night guilty for what I did not accomplish, vowing that tomorrow will be a new day. Somewhere in the middle I am jacking things up tremendously.

The scale was really mean today. High, high, high. So this stepping on it once a week thing is not going to work for me. I am going to step on it every day for a while, first thing in the morn. And I am going to post it here. Maybe that will keep me accountable. Today's weigh in? 184.1.

I have come up with a plan for the day, and because it is a busy one, I can't spend a lot of time discussing it ... but I will write it down for all to see. I'll let you know at tomorrow's weigh in if I managed to accomplish it.

Coffee, first thing (am drinking it now)
Cardio (elliptical, level 8-10, 45 minutes), followed by skim milk based protein shake.
Legs/Abs workout, followed by 1 apple, sliced, with 2 Tbsp natural peanut butter
Finish processing and canning the vegetable broth. Clean my downstairs (kitchen, living room, family room, bathroom, FL room)
Lunch: Grilled chicken (4 oz) on 3 cups lettuce with 2 tbsp homemade vinegar & oil dressing
Vacuum whole house, water all plants, laundry, Ian's bathroom
Snack: 1 c. sliced carrots. 2 tbsp hummus
Finish cleaning upstairs, including master bath. Take Cloe for a walk, about a 1/2 hour at a good clip.
Dinner: grilled salmon (4 oz), 1 c. steamed broccoli
Relax and enjoy 1 glass of red wine with my husband.

Go to bed at a reasonable hour because I have to get up fairly early to fit in my workout tomorrow morning. Eat NOTHING past 7pm, drink lots of water.

I should probably write something worthwhile, too, but this is more important. I have no intention of going backwards any further, and I can not rely upon the successes of my past. If I fail to accomplish the mission, its a failure entirely, no matter how many small victories I achieved along the way.

“Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit.” ~Conrad Hilton~

Deal With It

Deal with it.

How many times have I used those words with my son? Hundreds. Real sympathetic parenting, I know, right? But sometimes, that's just all there is to say. Deal with the fact that you have to get up and get dressed for school. Deal with the fact that 3rd grade brings with it much more homework than previous years. Deal with the fact that YOU wanted to be in both karate & football and that means, sometimes, you are gonna be a little busier than you like. Deal with the fact that your mother cooks at home most days and McD's is simply out of the question.

Deal with it.

Now to turn that pointing gun right around and fire off a few rounds of "Deal with it" for myself.

Deal with the fact that you have a raging headache. Deal with the fact that chocolate is not an acceptable healthy food group. Deal with the fact that you have a busy schedule and fast food is still not an option for you. Deal with the fact that you are always going to struggle with weight, and yes, you are always going to have to eat this way. Deal with the fact that your leg hurts, or your shoulder hurts, or your head aches ... or whatever other ailment it is today. You are 41 years old and have abused your body for years. Not in a good way.

Deal with it.

I don't want to, most of the time. Yes, I feel 100x better after I go to the gym. I feel empowered, confident, even self-righteous. It's the getting me there part that hurts. Right now, I am dressed and ready to go. However, my bluetooth headset is not, because I failed to plug it in last night. So I am drinking one more cup of coffee (I am tired because I stayed up and watched the football game last night. I made the choice, now I have to deal with it.) while I wait for the little red light to turn blue and give me my stereo "go ahead".

I guess the good news is, I get to spend a little time writing.

Somewhat on the same "Deal with it" thread ... Monica Brant, fitness icon and my personal hero, won the WBFF title this past weekend. She switched allegiances from IFBB to WBFF this past February, with much brouhaha. If you follow that kind of stuff, its been made something of a big deal. She switched to avoid the politics that have become associated with the IFBB and to (hopefully) simply compete and be judged on the physique she brings to the competition. In my amateur and humble opinion, that physique was outstanding.
I can't think of any time I have seen her look better, leaner, more defined and absolutely perfect. Yes, I am a huge fan, but seriously ... she looked awesome. Apparently, there was some ... dis-satisfaction from the camps of the runner-up. Some allegations of misjudging. Innuendo's of misdealings. Frankly, side by side, the runner-up, IMHO, didn't even look to be in the same category. Monica beat her hands down. So you didn't come in first ... deal with it. 2nd is pretty darn awesome. You didn't look as good as she did. Deal with it and come back stronger, leaner next year.

Now that the blue light has flashed, I am going to get my aching, old, tired body to the gym and finish today's workout.

Deal with it!

"A champion is someone who gets up, even when he can't."
~ Jack Dempsey

Restart Button

Certain times of the year always feel like "restarts". New Year's is a given. Most of us make decisions to restart or revamp some part of our life on New Year's Eve. Monday's, too, fall under that "restart button" header. For me, September has always held the scent of a "Brand New Start". Most likely, this is due to the beginning of the school year. From kindergarten through college, and then again when we have our own children, September signals the start of a brand new school year. Resolutions to do better this year, be more popular, try out for a new team ... it's practically more resolution packed than New Year's Eve!

I've had a heck of a summer. Most of you reading this know that I lost my father in August. We had a lot more trips this year than in summer's previous. Trying to spend as much quality time with Dad as possible in the waning days, then a surprise 50th Anniversary trip with my in-laws to California. I feel like I have spent very little time in my own home. I'm not ready for this school year to start again. however, time waits for no one, and tomorrow it starts again, whether I am ready or not.

So, ready or not, it is also time for me to kick my workout and healthy eating plans right back into action. I will not make any grandstand promises to blog every day, but I will attempt to be more prolific with my writing. I won't promise to post my every bite, however, I will be journaling them on my SparkPeople page, if you feel like checking it out.

I have a few goals for this month ... and an update on my biggest goal.

1) Lose 8 lbs. by 10/1/10
2) Accomplish 20 workouts before the end of September (that's 5 per week.)
3) Spend a minimum of 5 minutes every single day on my knee rehab exercises.

And the BIGGIE? Be at my goal weight by Spring Break 2010. It's about 33 lbs to go for that one ... and I hope I can accomplish it even sooner than that. However ... this time I am allowing for plateau's. I seem to have a thing for them ... and I don't want their existence to derail me again.

A brand new start. Again. And again. And again.

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~

Goodbye, Daddy

What is sadness? Is it loss, or loneliness, regret, or fear? Is it an emptiness ... or perhaps just an ache, where something used to be, but is no longer?

Today, my Daddy died. Where once there was a strong presence, even in absence, there is a void which will remain unfilled for the rest of my days. We knew it was coming, brain tumors of this sort offer little hope. The knowledge has done nothing to assuage the emptiness in my heart. To a little girl, Daddy is everything.

This morning, before I knew, when I said a prayer for him, I whispered "I always loved you best." It's not entirely true of course. As a parent with multiple children loves each of them equally, yet separately and individually, so I love my parents, each equally, individually and uniquely. But it was my Daddy that I always strove to please.

I could be less than perfect with my Mum. I shared my failures with her, I shared my fears and my tears. But I tried my hardest for my Dad. I wanted his pride more than anything. Being a man of few words, I honestly did not often know if my attempts were noticed, or appreciated, by him. Now that the opportunity has completely passed, I will always wish I had come right out and asked "Hey, Dad ... did I do OK? Are you proud of the person I grew up to be?"

Because I wanted to be so strong and independent (qualities I felt he admired), I very rarely showed him my soft, vulnerable side. I did not hug him readily, tell him I loved him frequently, did not reveal to him exactly how much his respect meant to me. My attempts to do so in the last few months since his diagnosis have been clumsy at best. I will forever regret the years I wasted, now that the opportunities have completely slipped away. I can only hope that he always knew, and the last few months solidified it, in some way.

If I have learned anything at all from this, it is that ANY opportunity is a good one to tell someone what they mean to you. Forgive easily and don't hold grudges. Worry less about revealing your vulnerability and more about revealing the truth in your heart. Love with everything you have and as if this is the last time you might get the chance. Live every moment of your life, dance upon your road and don't be afraid to sing with joy at every opportunity. It's short, this path.

I love you, Daddy. And I will miss you every day. I hope that you are playing golf on the green of your dreams, spending eternity in the glorious presence of God. I imagine He plays a mean round of golf. I look forward to catching up in the club house someday and telling you how proud I am to be your daughter.

QUITTERS NEVER WIN.

June 18th. Really? It's been a long time, folks, and for that I am truly sorry.

In my defense, my life has been a little bit of a whirlwind. Take that back. My life has been a whacked out freak of a roller coaster ride that has had me screaming to get off, to absolutely no avail. The ride must go on, until it is over, or until the guy behind the controls chooses to shut the whole thing down. I'm kind of hopin' he plans to keep my personal ride going for a while longer ... but a little request for less whoop-de-whirls has been submitted.

My Dad is not good. His brain tumor did not respond to the chemo and radiation treatments and about 2 weeks ago they stopped all treatment and put him in hospice. Currently, he is at a facility receiving the best care possible, spending most of his time sleeping. I was able to spend 2 weeks up there Mid-July and am heading back up next weekend. It's not enough, not nearly, but it's what I have ... that and my prayers for his peace. Living so far away from family makes these times especially difficult. Having a husband who travels extensively for work and an 8-year old son with needs of his own, make it even more difficult. I have had to work my way through a lot of guilt lately. Not being there enough for my Dad, Mom, Sister. Not being a *present* Mom to my son, being completely emotionally unavailable to my husband. Being angry at God, at the world, at situations beyond my control. Letting my goals slip completely off my radar. Not being true to myself at all. Times like these, self-focus is not only impossible, its unthinkable. I am the least important person in my world right now ... and my exercise and eating habits have reflected that.

So here I am, 3 weeks out from a trip to the beach (my in-laws 50th Anniversary celebration) and I have a few mini-goals that I am trying to fit in. Getting to the gym at least 5 times a week. Getting a good workout in EVERY day of the week. eating small, healthy meals and writing them down so I have something keeping me accountable. Oh yeah, and hitting that ever-elusive 165 lbs. mark by 8/22/10. I wanted to be at 145, my goal weight, but I have been stuck in the low 170's for MONTHS now. Somewhat due to a plateau, mostly due to letting my focus get off track. Yes, it is excusable. I already know that. But it is NOT who I am ... and I do NOT want to undo all the work I have accomplished in the last year. It's OK for the train to stop at the station every once in a while. It is UNACCEPTABLE to jump the dang track.

In the fall, when Ian gets back to school, I intend to start boxing. I have located a gym, I have visited the kettlebell class there (intend to also go back to that), I have talked with the owner a little. It seems I need to have something to work towards and with my knee problems, running races aren't going to be something I can do on a regular basis. This interests me - and I know it is tough. It will also be pretty good for the old aggression. It's also pretty intimidating.

I don't want to be the person who gives up before actually making a goal. I just had this conversation with my son last night. Quitters NEVER win. Quitters ALWAYS lose. I know that is not politically correct in our society any longer. We tell our children it's "OK" to come in 2nd or 3rd, it's OK not to win, it only matters that we try. And this is TRUE. However, if you didn't try as hard as you possibly can, if you did not give every last ounce of effort, if you QUIT before you make it to the finish line because things got tough, obstacles got in the way, your feelings got hurt, your world turned upside down ... that is NOT OK. Winners don't let things get in their way. They work around them, work in spite of them, work through them ... but they NEVER quit working. Ian got it last night, when he made it through 2.5 hours of conditioning training in football with a twisted ankle. I need to make it through 30 more pounds with a twisted life. And remind myself: QUITTERS NEVER WIN.

165 here I come.

So ... you think this is hard ... ?

"Character is what emerges from all the little things you were too busy to do yesterday, but did anyway." ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's
Notebook, 1966

I have a friend, whom I love dearly and who might very well read these words. So, I'm just gonna say, yes, YOU inspired me to write today. But it's not all because of what you wrote, but also about things I have thought myself, things other people have said to me ... just thoughts that have interceded where they ought not for far too long.

There is somebody out there that thinks what I am doing is hard. TOO hard. That it is impossible for a regular working woman, a single mom, an average joe who enjoys playing a little in life when the work day is done. Who would rather NOT head to the gym after the work day is over or on a blessed, sunny weekend day. I get that. I really, really do. I think it all the time. "I should do the laundry, clean the house, weed the flower beds, clean out the garage, go to the grocery, have lunch with my friend ... a million other things ... I really should do those right NOW instead of heading to the gym." Or here's another one I hit myself with all the time: "It's BEAUTIFUL OUT! I do not WANT to sit in a stinky room surrounded by iron things and sweat in the A/C. I WANT to get a tall glass of Iced Tea, a really good book and sit in the back yard."

That part of the job? Ignoring the inner voice? Yep, that part IS hard. The hardest part, in fact. It's the part I struggle with the most. But that's not what spurred me to write today. It is that somehow you have been left with the impression that the actual work I am doing is hard. The lifting of iron stuff part. It's not.

OK, it is ... but not necessarily in the way you might be thinking.

Don't choose not to work out with me because you don't think you can do the things I am doing. ANYBODY can do this stuff. I was doing this stuff the day I started. The weights and the reps were a little lower, is all. The actual movements, the "exercises" are simple, and standing side by side, the only way to tell any difference would be to look at the number on the weight in our hands. Nobody does that. Or rather, nobody cares. Trust me when I tell you that many of the other humans in my weight room are pushing and pulling HUNDREDS of pounds heavier than me. If I waited until I was at their level ... well, I guess I would never start because I am not made to bench press 300 lbs. And the totally cut personal trainer that often works out at the same time as me? She can pull off a whole bunch of pull ups completely unassisted. If I waited until I was at her level ... I 'd never get there. Because, at some point, maybe 20 years ago, but still at some point ... she started off JUST LIKE ME. I choose to be inspired by her and the other, stronger, inhabitants of my gym space, rather than intimidated.

Doing the work, that's not the hard part. Getting there, leaving your pride at the door, putting in the time and not offering yourself any excuses? That is. Seeing results? It is like getting a big, fat bonus in every paycheck. When I do the work, I get the bonus. When I don't do the work. I either put in harder work the next time, or I start losing out on that big fat bonus. When I give up or stop showing up? I not only lose the bonus, I lose the paycheck.

I read an article a few days ago about some of the things a woman could now do after having gotten more fit. It inspired me enough that I am going to share a few of my big fat bonuses with you all. And here's the kicker ... I am not even done! There's still so much more reward to come. (As long as I keep putting in the work.)

Things I can do NOW that I couldn't do 50 lbs ago:

1) Run 4 miles without walking
2) Sit in the middle seat of an airplane comfortably
3) See my feet when I look down (without bending forward!)
4) Run bases a heck of a lot faster
5) Wear heels without killing my feet or knees
6) Do 100 bicep curls with a 15 lbs. weight
7) Wear the pj's my son and hubby got me for Christmas this year
8) Lots and lots of walking lunges (I hate them, but I can do them ...)
9) 45 minutes on the stairmaster at a level 10
10) push ups, pull ups, sit ups, chin ups, & other "ups" that were downs before

That's just 10 ... I could sit here all day and come up with other cool stuff. There's still 20 more lbs to go until goal, then probably 10 or 15 more after that for cutting. I can't wait to see what I will be able to do then!

"The difference between try and triumph is a little umph." ~Author Unknown

Do Not Judge Me.

"To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves." ~Will
Durant

Have you ever had your feelings hurt by someone, knowing full well that it was unintentional, or said with complete and utter ignorance of a situation? It makes your heart sink a little in your chest, causes your breath to catch. Possibly, it makes you question your own motivations for doing the things that you do, for living the life you choose to live.

It happens to me a lot. Probably most often because I portray such a "tough exterior". The face I show to the world is one that is not often hurt. I learned at a very young age to hide emotion. Quite possibly, if you say something directly to me and are staring intently into my face, what you will see is a tightening of the cheeks, a hardening of the eyes. Maybe I will pause a moment before I answer or my voice will be a little quieter and more controlled than it ordinarily is. If you are not standing in front of me, or you are not looking for these signs, most likely you will never know that your words bothered me. I will probably bury the hurt inside somewhere and turn to the next person, or the next item on my agenda, smile, and go about my business. But down in that hole where these types of affronts are buried? My thoughts are churning. I am deciding if you are worth the time and effort it will take to correct you. More often than not, you will end up as the subject of a blog entry, usually without a name referenced. If you were aware of your words, you might recognize yourself in mine. If not, then it is just a place for me to write my opinion and send it off into the universe, possibly to educate others on the importance of being mindful of how easy it is to hurt one another.

We all have our own path to walk. God has given each of us specific gifts and required that we use them for good, that we spread the wealth of His goodness and hope that the seeds will take root and generosity and happiness can spring forth from them. I have always been told that my gifts are music and writing. Music I share as much for my own enjoyment as for others. Luckily, God decided that I should be able to carry a tune, so my singing might actually be somewhat enjoyable. With my writing, I try to convey my own struggles and successes. I use my written word to share my life and the lessons I have been taught with others who might have similar needs and desires.

I also believe that God gave me a desire to keep His temple, my body, in its best condition possible. I have found that when I am fueling it properly and I am keeping it tuned up regularly, I am far more effective with the other gifts He has given me. It's not just vanity, although as a human being, I am quite sure that vanity does indeed play a part. We all want to look good. But, from the bottom of my heart I can tell you, it is far more important to me that I FEEL good. I am happier, I am more productive, I have more energy, I am better able to utilize the gifts I have been given in a way which might be pleasing to the One who created this temple I have to live in.

If there are others who choose to walk a different path, that is perfectly fine with me. I do not judge ANYONE based upon their appearance. Goodness knows, I have spent a lot of years going against the fire inside me, living an unhealthy and unhappy life. I was not created to be a sedentary person. My system is not created to be happy and healthy on lower octane foods. God gave each of us a different set of gifts and priorities, He created each and everyone of us differently and I have to believe that pertains to our physical self as well. For some, the fuel they put into their bodies doesn't change their mentality one iota. For me, it makes all the difference in the world. I simply function better when I am eating clean and working out. And God gave me the gift of writing in order to share it with others who might be built similar to me.

What I ask, is that you not judge me based upon my lifestyle. I am not obsessed with food. I am not obsessed with working out. I am absolutely addicted to feeling healthy and whole and productive and HAPPY. I also LOVE sharing it with anyone who is interested. If you are not interested, that's just fine. I am happy for you that you have found your path and are walking it with joy and fulfillment, knowing that you are living your life exactly as God created you to be. But don't ridicule me, or judge me, because my path is different than yours. Leave my words for those who can benefit from them and be happy for me that I am racing down my own path, exactly as I was created to do.

Remember, too, that you have the ability to hurt and cause harm to others when you ignorantly judge them, based upon your own standards. Luckily, I have come to a place in my life where I understand that I am created differently from everyone else and I know longer feel the need to conform to someone else's standards. I am kind of OK with being different and I like being who I am. Your words won't cause irreparable harm to my life. But years ago I was not so lucky and it has taken quite some time to get to this point. Treat everyone, speak to everyone, write about everyone, with the same amount of respect you would hope to be given in return.

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them." ~Mother
Teresa~

Blah day

It's pouring outside. Torrential. So much for mowing the lawn today. Ah well ... that's the way it goes, I guess.

I find it so hard to get motivated on a day like this. There is something inherent in my nature that makes me want to brew another cup of coffee and snuggle up on the couch with a good book when the weather turns grey and dreary. I guess it's a good thing I DON'T live in Ireland. Although, I guess I could probably get work as a publishing house reader or book critic ...

Just wanted to state it for the record, my softball team has won all of its games, except for one (which we should have won, but decided to hand over in a single inning as a special gift to the other team). It was nice to have a win as a birthday gift. The next 2 weeks are back to back double headers. That's always a bit more tricky.

Changing up my lifting schedule made a difference in my swing last night. I was far less fatigued and hit well. No home runs, but solid hits and I can accept that. My legs have also been responding well and so far I haven't re-injured that knee. Keeping up with the physical therapy (at home) and being smart as I train, running less, but keeping up with the cardio machines. Seems to be working.

Even my writing is a bit on the blah side today. I guess I just need to get dressed and head on over to the gym. Maybe a nice sweat session will bring some spring back into my step. If not, at least I will be done with my "work" and can curl up with that book and coffee without any guilt.

"Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set
yourself on fire." ~Arnold H. Glasow~

Happy Birthday To Me

Today I turn 41 years old. No longer do I get to say "I am 40" ... now I am "in my 40's". Early 40's, yes ... but 40's nonetheless. It's not old ... have you heard? 40's are the new 20's. Turning 40 was momentous for me. Not because I turned *gasp* 40! But rather because my husband fulfilled a life long dream of mine ... to visit Ireland. I spent the entire year edging up to that birthday in eager anticipation. I could NOT WAIT to turn 40 ... because it meant the Emerald Isle was close to follow.

41 is a little less momentous. My darling husband is travelling this week. Oh hey ... did I forget to mention? Chris and I share the same birthday. He is 8 years older than I am, but the date on the calendar is the same. It's kind of fun actually. I always have someone to celebrate with. Usually. This year he's off in Tampa and I am home. We did, however, celebrate a wonderful evening out with friends Saturday. Preemptive celebration works, too. My plans for today, the actual date of my birthday, include swimming laps at the "Y" and playing ... ahem ... WINNING a softball game tonight.

And eating right.

I should mention that I *gasp* ate 2 chocolate chip cookies last night. I missed my mid-afternoon snack due to a last minute phone call from hubby when Ian and I were trying to race out the door to karate. Not his fault ... I should have been more prepared. But I simply forgot to grab what I needed and remembered over halfway to our destination. Needless to say, by the time the class was over, I was FAMISHED. We stopped at the grocer's to get Ian something for supper. (I had leftover pasta, from a Clean Eating Magazine recipe, outstanding ... and I WILL share the recipe today. It's phenom!) The cookies were there, they sang a siren song that sounded something like "They say its your birthday, got choco chip cookies for you ... na nana nanana ..." Sing along with me, you know you recognize the tune ... So eat them I did (who can resist?) Today there will be no cake or ice cream or off plan foods to be had. I am sticking with the program. It is, after all, the best birthday gift I can give myself.

A far healthier 2nd half of life than the first was. Looking better, feeling better, BEING better than I ever have before. Happy Birthday to me!

I got some gifts yesterday. From Monica. Yes, yes, THAT Monica. 2 incredible t-shirts (One says "Chicken or Chocolate - you choose" and the other "Leg day. No hurt - no short skirt". Nice.) and a handful of photographs, personally autographed by her with things such as "Christina, Stay focused on your goals" and "Christina, Keep working hard!" There are 6 total, all personally autographed with a special message. Ok, so I paid for them. (It's ok to laugh at me right now!) But I bought the pictures to use as motivation, I honestly didn't expect them all to be autographed with my name on them. I am thrilled. I am also pretty sure Monica is down there in Texas thinking "OMG! Whoever this Christina chick is ... she's obsessed with me!!! Scary!" I'm not obsessed in a stalker chick way, Mo ... I just really want to physically look a lot more like you. I promise. I am a happily married, heterosexual woman. I swear. :-D (But yes, you do look hot in some of those pictures. It's ok to say that right? I mean, its just being an admiring fan ... ok pretty sure that's your security detail knocking on my door ...)

It was REALLY cool to get them all personally autographed, even if I did probably set off some security alarms in the heads of Monica and her people. Now when I check out her quad definition, I can also hear her voice encouraging me to "Stay fit and love life!" It's a good thing. Far better birthday gift to myself than those 2 chocolate chip cookies were.

So, as I close off this special birthday segment, I wanted to share a few quotes with you. For fun. Enjoy June 15th ... I know I will. Cheers!

In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn't have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order. ~Robert Brault

Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever. ~Don Marquis

Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier. ~Dan Bennett

You're not 40, you're eighteen with 22 years experience. ~Author Unknown

A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip. ~Author Unknown

It's the Little Things

Getting back into the game has actually been easier than I anticipated. Once I made the decision to get up off the bench, quit stretching and start playing, my body (and my mindset!) has launched into hyper-drive.

Maureen and I worked out a new food rotation which, while not being as rigid as in the past, is still clean and healthy ... and far easier to stick to. We also came up with a workout plan that involves 2 extremely heavy lift days (one upper and one lower body), 2 lighter lift days and 2 cardio heavy installments. I worked my arms to failure on Friday and followed it up by shredding my lower body on Saturday. (My bumm is still sore!) In spite of a couple glasses of wine accompanying my birthday dinner out on Saturday evening, I am down nearly 5 lbs. from last Wednesday.

FINALLY!

During the whole process, the mantra of "It's the little things that make the difference" has been replaying in my head. Little things like adding a couple of pounds onto a weight rack. Like taking that squat just a little deeper, and holding it just a little longer. Or measuring out that 1/2 cup of Greek yogurt instead of eyeballing it. Drinking all of the WATER in the daily requirement instead of counting 3 cups of coffee as part of that total.

I have also found myself thinking "What would Monica do?" Silly, I know. But ... it worked for me. Saturday, when my arms ached and I nearly talked myself into throwing my schedule to the wind and taking that day off instead of the next (Sunday) I thought to myself "What would Monica do? You have a dinner out, you can't control how the food will be prepared, even if you choose the healthiest choice on the menu. You are planning to drink a glass or 2 of wine. Do you want those extra calories on your more sedentary day? Or should you go out an earn that meal out? If you were a serious fitness professional, if you were Monica, what would you do?" Well, I went out and earned the heck out of that meal. Sunday morning, my body rewarded me by dropping another pound.

I was also able to find motivational inspiration during the sermon on Sunday. Of course, Pastor Jim was speaking about becoming your most spiritually healthy, but the lesson he laid out was just as pertinent for physical health. And really, in my life at least, those 2 go hand in hand. Opening with the line "How to Overcome - Your failures do not define you", my attention was immediately held captive. Pastor Jim continued to lay out all the stages of relapse and the factors contributing to it. Striving to be the best you that God intended, that God CREATED you to be. Heady stuff.

It's also the little things that can sneak in and disrupt you. Those little memories that can send you quickly down the wrong path, if you let them. For me, most of those involve my Dad right now. I am allowed to be sad, but I am trying really hard to focus on the positive things. Looking for a Father's Day card for what is probably my last with my Dad was unexpectedly difficult. In hindsight, I should have expected it ... but I didn't and the faucet on my emotions was loosened a great deal this weekend. Instead of letting it drag me down, I decided that maybe it is just time to go with it, wear the waterproof mascara and expect to cry a bit more for a while. Most of all, though, I decided to enjoy as much time as I can with my son, as Dad's illness has proven that all of our days on earth are numbered, and enjoying every little thing, every single day, is really the best way to live them.

So, I guess, learning to place greater importance on the little things in life can result in some big changes. At least, it has been for me.

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things. ~Robert Brault~

7th inning stretch is over.

It's amazing how spending a little time reading about the life of one of my favorite fitness icons can inspire me to stay on program. Hopefully, Monica won't mind if I post her picture at the top of my blog for a few days. (I don't get any money for the writing of this particular blog - this is purely for my own inspiration.) For me, Monica Brant is the ultimate fitness inspiration. She's been in the biz for over 20 years and she remains one of the most fit, most beautiful, most inspiring of all the models gracing magazine covers today. If I had a genie granting wishes, I would spend them all requesting to emulate her physique and dedication.

As I have been struggling lately with every kind of obstacle, there have been some very clear moments when I have wanted to quit altogether; to become complacent and accept that my current figure, vastly improved from 8 months ago, is good enough. I have wanted to simply stop and be content with where I am now, even if it is not anywhere near where I wanted to be when I began this journey. I have wanted to accept that this is as good as it is going to get for me, and force myself to be happy with that limited perception of my abilities.

However, compare me side by side with Monica, my inspiration, and there is no denying I have a LONG ways to go.

It's time to stop kvetching about my food. It's time to train harder, and yes, smarter, in order to avoid injury. It's time to expect the tough things from my body, instead of the easy. Time to stop complaining and start working. Time to stop hearing the compliments, and start focusing on the end of the game. If you quit before the game is over, it doesn't matter what kind of lead you built up - you will always lose before it's done. 7th inning stretch is over - bring in the closer to finish this thing strong.

Rant (FULL of complaints!)

I hate tuna fish. It is vile. I eat it because it is “good for me” – high in protein, low in fat and calories, yada, yada. But I really, really do hate the stuff. I like chicken … but I am bored with even that. I don’t eat beef or pork, if it is at all within my control. I don’t have time to make grilled fish for every meal, nor would I want it as I get tired of fish even faster than I get tired of chicken. Right now, the meatless options such as Quorn chicken or Boca Burgers are “not allowed”. My options for food are so extremely limited right now that I would actually prefer not to eat at all. I am BORED with my food … I hate what I eat. I am finding it very hard to stay on plan, to eat my 5-6 meals per day when the food tastes like crap or cardboard … or makes me want to vomit, as does tuna. I “like” salad … but not every single day. It’s the same problem. Lettuce tastes like lettuce, the texture doesn’t change. It’s just … lettuce. I can’t stand the taste of fat free salad dressings … and the few low fat options that I can stomach I have used so much that I don’t care if I ever eat them again. Blueberries are fine. Grapes are fine. Strawberries, too. But I get them so infrequently in my menu plans that the (expensive) package goes bad before I can get halfway through. My other option is to freeze them, which renders them good only for oatmeal. So every 3rd day I can drop a ¼ cup of frozen blueberries into my oatmeal. Yippy skippy. That doesn’t help me when I am looking for a snack that is acceptable. So I tried cherries (bought some for the family as they are in season). Cherries are fruit, high in antioxidants, fairly low in calories. I ate 20 of them (with pits, which I spit out of course) as a snack. Then later in the day when I was looking for something to go along with my roasted veggies in a whole wheat pita sandwich (which wasn't on plan, but seriously, come on!), I grabbed 5 green olives. Because frankly? I had no desire to steam some broccoli or asparagus just for me. It didn’t sound good, I am BORED with both of them, and I was late getting dinner anyway. It should be noted that I looked it up … there are 25 calories total in a serving of 5 green olives. But it was something different that tasted good and didn’t make me want to quit. Again.

I don’t want to eat like my Mom cooks. I can’t stand eating pig at all and that was nearly every meal while we were there. But I honestly can’t stomach my current menu, either. I have no desire whatsoever to stay true to it. I realize that this is my problem, not the foods and I should just “get over it and myself and do it”. But when I sat here thinking those things to myself when I received a blank email from my trainer entitled “Cherries? Olives?” all I wanted to do was QUIT. That’s what ran through my head the moment I read the email (or rather the title of the email, as the body of the email itself was blank) … really? Cherries and olives are questionable items? Fine … then I give up. I quit. Because I do NOT WANT TO EAT THE OTHER CRAP ANYMORE.

And then I cried.

I cried because I don’t want to let myself down. I cried because I don’t want to let her down. I don’t want to fail or quit or give up. But I don’t see how I can keep going with the current menu. I would rather quit eating altogether. I went back and looked at the menu this morning, trying to get myself back on plan and I just couldn’t do it. I sat here nursing my coffee until 9am because I couldn’t bear the thought of egg whites and toast, cereal with skim milk or oatmeal. And those were my only options. I seriously considered skipping altogether. But I knew that was bad, too. Worse, actually. So, I mixed 3/8 c. blueberries with a 5.3 oz. container of FF vanilla Greek yogurt. Pretty sure I will get a “questionable” email on that too … but there is a part of me that is just not caring anymore.

It’s now 10:30am and I know I need to eat a snack/lunch type thing in an hour or so … and my options are: 3 oz chicken on lettuce with ½ c brown rice or 3 oz chicken on Arnold roll with mustard or 3 oz chicken breast with ½ c brown rice. And none of those options is in the least appealing to me. Not to mention the fact that they are not options. Pretty much the same thing.

It’s not that I need food to be fun. It’s just that, right now, I would rather starve than eat this stuff. I’ve never been very good at eating the same thing over and over. Some things, yes, of course. Who couldn’t eat chocolate every day? But not this type of food. I need to get it changed … because in my head, the options are quit eating altogether … or quit trying to stay on plan. The “eat it anyway even if it makes you puke” option is off the table.

So … that’s my rant. Maybe tomorrow I will feel better?

Updating

Nobody has called me out on the fact that I have not recorded my food for the past 2 days. Have I let you all down so many times before that you simply expect me to fail yet again? I hope not. For the record, I have been writing it down, on my calorie counter site ... I just have not been at the computer (the desk top, its too hard to transfer on the laptop, which is where I am now) long enough to log it for you. Weight this morning was down again (169.5), so that's an improvement.

I've been to see the Physical Therapist about my knee issues. Many of you know that I have dealt with a torn meniscus issue since high school. The pain I have been experiencing lately was different enough to send me back to the pro's for assistance. Apparently, I am suffering from something called Patellofemoral Pain Syndrome (PFPS). Luckily, we should be able to correct the muscle atrophy in my right quad and relieve some of that pain. And GET ME BACK ON THE ROAD!

I am signed up for the Corporate Challenge Race on June 3rd, which is 2 weeks from today. I certainly won't beat my best time, but I might be able to at least lightly jog that race if I stay diligent with my p/t between now and then. I will attempt to run a mile or 2 next week while visiting my family. Keep your fingers crossed for me, please, that I can get through light running with minimum pain. I don't want to let my fellow runners from LaserMax down!

I shove off for a visit to my Dad on Saturday. On the way, we are planning on stopping to visit one of my best friends from HS, Sandi, who is in hospice for Hodgkin's Disease. I just found her again about a month ago and it breaks my heart that I did not get to visit her sooner. I'm afraid this following week is going to be an emotional roller coaster. Seems 2010 has been one big roller coaster. Hopefully, the ride will be smoother from this point on.

Will try to get you the past few days of food journal's sometime today, when I get behind the desktop.

Food 051710

As promised ...

Breakfast
egg white, fresh, 4 large 68
Ezekiel 4:9 Sprouted 100% Whole Grain Bread, 1 serving 80
Total 148
Lunch
Chicken Breast, no skin, 3 ounces 94
Romaine Lettuce (salad), 2 cup, shredded 16
Brown Rice, medium grain, 0.5 cup 109
Kikkoman Lite Soy Sauce, 1 tbsp 10
Ken's Lite Olive Oil Vinaigrette, 2 tbsp 60
Total 288
Dinner
Chicken Breast, no skin, 4 ounces 125
Broccoli, cooked, 1 cup, chopped 55
Total 179
Snack
Plantar's Nut-rition Heart Healthy Mix, 1 serving 260
Fage Total 0% Plain Greek Yogurt, 0.5 cup 60
Honey, 1 tbsp 64
Total 384
Daily Calorie total : 999

Accountability

I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself lately. The *public* me, the one that shows her face to the world has been doing OK. You know, showing just enough of the inner turmoil for people to know that I am human, but not so much that I look like I am going to crumble at any moment. Trouble is, the private me, the hidden one who only comes out when I am home and comfortable, has been falling apart in so many ways it is frankly ridiculous.

I'm not talking about the breaking down into tears falling apart. I am talking about the losing everything that I am falling apart. When I get into a good mope, I let the world around me just dissipate into background noise. I live in the tiny little space inside my head where I can faintly hear whispers of humanity, but I have little to no regard for it. I simply don't care. I can *act* like I am there, but not be anywhere near *there*. I am a creature of routine. I thrive on it. When I have routine to my life, I am happier, more in control of my emotions (especially my anger), much nicer to be around and I am productive. But as much as I thrive on routine, there is this evil, masochistic part of myself that, when faced with stress and adversity, lets routine slide and gleefully watches as I crumble bit by bit, losing myself in the vast ocean known as "Mope".

I have had some very good reasons for being stressed, depressed, blue ... but not a single one of them is an excuse for the ways in which I have allowed myself to slip. Starting today, I am getting back into my routine and I am calling upon help from some friends to keep me accountable.

First, I have not been as dedicated to my eating as I need to be if I want to see results. Therefore, starting today, I will be (once again!) logging my food diary on this blog every night. I need there to be eyes on what I am eating and I need to know that those eyes will be there. And I need to know that people care enough to smack me on the butt if I a) don't eat properly, or b) don't share the journal daily. I may not be able to write long blogs, but I can at least enter the food. If you don't see an entry from me ... please give me a shout and a shove.

Note: I am going to visit my Dad next week. They live in an area that has very limited Internet access (I know right? However, I can't help it that they choose to reside in the last holdout from civilization.) I may not be able to get the journal in every day, but I will keep a paper journal and will put it all on the computer when I am able to get access.

I have not been as diligent about my workouts as I need to be. I have still been doing it, but I have allowed this knee issue to hold me back, mentally as well as physically. It's time to get focused again and do whatever I CAN do, even while I am trying to heal the knee. I am seeing my Physical Therapist tomorrow in the hopes that we can determine exactly what the issue is and take steps towards true recovery. In the meantime, elliptical, swimming laps, arc trainer ... those will have to be my mainstays in cardio ... and trying to add walking every evening. not long distances, just gentle walking so I can get extra movement and steps into my day and hopefully loosen it up some. Unless Matt says no. Playing that one by ear. (Still playing softball, just hoping that I can wrap it well enough to run bases when needed.)

I am going to record my weight here every Monday again so that you will know if I am going up or down ... and you can hold me accountable. Because it has been going up and I am not letting that trend continue. The scale said 172.4 this morning. Not a friendly number.

That's all, folks. I need your help. I can not continue to mope, I can not continue to derail myself. I simply have to stand up and fight on, despite all the crud going on in my personal life. I don't often admit to needing people, but today I am admitting that I do ... for accountability's sake, at the very least. Hold me to it, and don't let me cheat myself out of victory.

"It is not only what we do, but also what we do not do, for which we are accountable." ~Moliere~

Perfect Storm

It has been a heck of a week. Literally, a perfect storm of events, all colliding together to form one of the most difficult emotional roller coasters I have ever had the misfortune of riding upon.

The largest, most difficult and most important was the discovery of my Dad's Glioblastoma (wrote about in last post). An inoperable monster of a tumor, bent on destruction, invading both hemisphere's of his brain. It simply takes your breath away to think about it. The world around me changed in an instant; things important before no longer held value. Plans scrambled and rearranged. Priorities shifted drastically. I've spent a great deal of time reading up on this monster, praying, crying, questioning. Now I am just working on breathing.

Second storm to bluster in was the loss of our Labrador Retriever, Tyler. Having lived for 16 joyous years, we knew his time was coming to an end, but the downward spiral got remarkably faster the past few weeks. The humane thing to do was to put him out of his misery. However, in light of my father's illness, nothing about it felt "humane". Upon arriving for his appointment at the Vet's Saturday morning, the assistants pretty much took one look at him and knew there was nothing else to be done. Ty's weight was 48 lbs that day ... at his peak of health he weighed 90 lbs. A shell of the dog he once was. Thankfully, it was quiet and peaceful and we all know that Ty is running somewhere with a bunch of other dogs, awaiting the arrival of his family members someday in the distant future. Unfortunately, the family left behind feels, as my son so eloquently put it, "like a puzzle missing a piece that makes the picture whole."

Finally, and trust me, this is the absolute LEAST of the difficulties we have faced, I have injured my leg. Same leg that has given me problems since High School, however, this time, even after a week of rest, the pain is not going away. Diminished from one week ago when I could barely walk, but still very painful. Every movement, every step, every twist emits a sharp stab, and when I keep perfectly still, it remains a distant ache. The reason this injury belongs in the realm of the perfect storm is how it has managed to affect my mental outlook. It's very difficult to remain optimistic in the face of cancer, death and loss. It's pretty much impossible when every movement is emphasized by sharp pain.

I have spent the past week in a fog. I am well-acquainted with depression and know the signs. Feeling tired, lethargic, lacking energy or desire, loss of appetite, crying bouts ... these are all classic February moments for me. Out of control of my life. It's not a good place for me to be.

I have tried to continue doing the things I know I need to do. I have been to the gym, I have tried to eat according to my plan. My workouts have had to be altered in relation to the leg injury ... which frankly ticks me off. My food ... well, I would eat a couple of bites ... but lets be honest ... NOTHING tastes good. So for the most part I have pushed my plate away. I've spent a fair amount of time reading, playing computer games, doing mindless activities that I don't have to think during. Put the brain on autopilot and just make it through, one minute to the next.

Today I simply have to change that.

I can not keep going like this. I have to find control of my life somehow, and I guess right now the only thing I CAN control is my food and my workouts. So what if they are not what I wish they could be. I am going to work hard at what I can work hard at. I've spent the past several months going to town on my legs due to the shoulder surgery. I guess now I can let the legs have their break and amp up the upper body workout. There are still things I can not do, thanks to that rotator cuff, but there are enough other things that I should be able to get in a great workout without over using the legs. And I can write down all of my food again, measure it out, eat when I am supposed to.

I can control these things, even if I can not control anything else in my life. My world is not going to get easier over the next year, only more difficult and more emotional. I need to take charge of it right now, so I can be strong, hopeful and optimistic for my Dad when the going gets rough. I've got to make this boat as strong as it can possibly be so that it will come out on the other side of the storm, battered and bruised possibly, but intact. That, I can control.

“The world isn't interested in the storms you encountered, but whether or not you brought in the ship.” ~Raul Armesto~

Serious Stuff

The world has tipped and I am slipping off, sideways, quickly, on a slick surface of which I can not seem to grab hold of anything to stop the inevitable crash.

My Dad has Glioblastoma.

In the simplest terms possible, this is the type of Brain Tumor/Cancer that killed Ted Kennedy. It is inoperable, incurable, inconceivable. It takes your breath away to even think about it. Not MY family. Not MY father. This is Grey's Anatomy stuff. This is TV news stuff. Evil, ugly, inoperable cancer happens in stories that you hear, dramas that you watch ... not in the life you live. Not to the people who matter most to you.

I have truly felt for the past several days, since we learned of the mass and as we awaited the biopsy results, that I have fallen off a merry-go-round. It's my life. I am on the ground, skinned knees bleeding into the sand, watching it spin and spin and spin, out of control. I know that I have to jump back on. I need to grab something and hold on as hard as I can, dragging my feet behind me to try and slow this thing down. I know that I have to get back on ... but I have not been able to muster the courage to try.

And now that the monster pushing it ever faster has a name, the fear looms larger than before.

I will try not to disappear from here ... or to lose track of the goals I have set before me. But extra forgiveness when I slack would be greatly appreciated.

Inconvenient Pain

My leg hurts. No, really. I'm not just making it up. I'm not trying to garner sympathy. I'm not even trying to justify the fact that it is 4:18pm and I have not yet started my new lower body workout.

I'm just stating a simple fact.

I've got that race coming up this weekend, so I've been training regularly. Not anything crazy ... just 3-3.5 mile runs 3 days a week. Maureen thinks I need to get my shoes checked out. I tried running in my cross trainers on the treadmill last Tuesday. That was an exercise in futility. Not only did my leg (knee) hurt, but my feet did as well.

We have a good running store on the other side of town, where they will fit me, watch me run, check my gait, judge my flat-feet and all that sort of stuff. Trouble is ... I know a new pair of runners is going to cost me some dough (that I don't have right now) and even if I picked them up today (and I don't have the money to do so right now), I don't think I could break them in properly before Sunday.

So I guess I just have to live with it. Until this Sunday's race is over, anyway.

I'm getting older. I guess there's no use denying it any longer. My joints are old, over used, dried up and not keeping the bones safe like they should. My shoulder goes out ... I get it fixed. In the meantime, I work my lower body to the max. Now my knee is rebelling ... just in time to switch the tables and work my upper body into submission. But cardio requires legs, and I need to do the cardio. Not to mention the fact that I have signed up for 3 races (2 5k's and a 10k) over the next couple of months.

Guess I had better go invest in a crate of joint juice?

"Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain" ~William Faulkner~

Catching Up

Really? I haven't posted since March 31st? There is no excuse ... just life. And beautiful weather for a week or so that had me outside as much as possible, and not gagged and bound behind the computer. I lost 5 lbs. I gained 5 lbs. I am pretty much right back where I started in the last blog. No good reason for it. Just this freakish pain in the rear of a body I have. I'm over it.

Actually, this morning I stepped on the scale and when I saw its result I thought "why am I working so dang hard". But tailgating right behind that thought was this one "you've been down this road before, the path doesn't go where you want, so turn around now before you get too far". Turning around is writing everything down, making sure I get every ounce of my 4 liters of water in, keeping active as much as possible. Lucky for me, its actually my day off from working out. However, there are numerous things that need to be done in the house, so I will keep busy.

Went to see my surgeon for the last time. He gave me the go ahead to start playing softball ... right on time as that very night we had our first practice. It was interesting. Nothing major, no big home runs, but I did hit the ball and catch some and the pain was limited and manageable. I can only get better. I leave for what I believe is my last physical therapy appointment in about an hour. I will get a list of things to keep working on, and things to avoid doing for a while yet. I am graduating from the status of "Shoulder Surgery Patient" to "Girl with Shoulder that gets Tired Easily". The latter is far more fixable.

My parents are coming next week, primarily to build my son's new play fort. Yay! He is really stoked ... and it is going to be extremely cool. Lots and lots and LOTS of cleaning to do before they get here, though. The Spring Cleaning I should have started last week, but the beautiful weather sent me outside instead. The good news is, I guess, it will keep me active all day long and I will not be sitting for very long, if ever. Lots of extra calories burned.

My first race of this season is April 25th, just a couple weeks away. I run 5k's consistently every time I run now, so that should be good. I would like to be faster, but I will just keep pushing and maybe by the June 3rd race, I can improve to something more like a 10 minute mile speed. Still not fast enough to win, but closer to where I want to be. I have the Mud Run 10k in October to train for, and that's a bigger deal. And it looks like maybe the USMC Marathon in October of 2011. Just want to do ONE marathon, so I can say I did. After that I will work towards Tri's.

For now though, I am just going to focus on today. Eating right, drinking enough water, staying active ... and watching that scale go back down. However, I will only weigh myself once or twice a week, instead of every day. That's a bad and destructive habit for me. Here come those 150's ...

There is more in us than we know. If we can be made to see it, perhaps, for the rest of our lives, we will be unwilling to settle for less.
- Kurt Hahn

Results of the Physical

Are you wondering how it turned out? That frightening trip to the exam office to determine whether or not all my efforts have generated a weight worthy of "Premium" status? Well, let me tell you.

It was a bit of a joke.

I did work my tail end off for the past week and a couple days. I also managed to contract a deadly (and if not sincerely lethal, it at the very least made me wish I would just die) intestinal flu which had me spending the last 2 days in the throne room. Did my body respond with a weight deserving of all this torture, both intended and not, upon my body? It certainly did NOT. My weight this morning was a solid 170.4.

*Sigh*

So, I headed out the door hoping that I would be able to beat the 170's in a month or so and be able to take the physical again. Upon arriving I was ushered into a small exam room. I was asked to step on the scale, fully dressed and with my shoes on. I asked if I could remove them, because, come on! The shoes are at least 2 lbs!! She said that was fine and I stepped on the scale, which kindly registered 170 lbs. With my clothes on. Hmmmm. Then she asked me to turn around to have my height measured. 5'6" sound about right?

Ummm ... no! But I sure as heck will take it!!

You should all know that I call my self 5'5", knowing full well its more like 5'4-1/2" ... on a good day. There is no way, in my stocking feet that I am anywhere near 5'6" ... but you know what? Added height offers a higher weight ... and I am happy to take it.

Following were blood and urine samples, then I was merrily sent on my way. I have no idea what the outcome will be ... but I know that I can argue the fully clothed thing if I have to. And, I can always go back in a month and have my weight re-checked. I will most certainly be free of the 170's by then. Come hell or high water.

So now I can stop focusing on the scale and get back to focusing on the running, focusing on the fitness and focusing on the good, clean foods.

I'm just glad that chapter is over. (And I better get the premium rating!"

Failure is NOT an Option.

Ugh! The agony of trying to beat an unwilling body into submission!

A couple of days ago I wrote about finally breaking through that 170's barrier, of getting close to my "Premium Rate" goal just in time for my life insurance physical? Yesterday I told you about my seriously tough motivational day? Today, let me tell you about waking up and finding the scale has jumped UP by nearly 4 lbs in 2 days for no good reason.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED!!!!

I haven't done anything wrong. I worked my unwilling butt of yesterday in spite of my low motivation. I stayed on plan with my eating. There is no logical reason for the scale to jump like that. No, I do not live nor die by that scale ... but apparently Life Insurance policies do. I can measure myself today and find that inches galore have dropped from my ample thighs and butt ... but that will not satisfy the suits sitting with pen in hand waiting to deny my premium rating. I NEED the scale to be well below 167 by next Wednesday ... and to wake this morning at 171.7? Seriously ... I am a little (kinder word typed than thought) angered by that.

I am also just a little fired up by it.

I mean, who does this body think it is? Who does it belong to? WHO IS THE BOSS OF IT???

I AM!

And I intend to beat it into submission until it is a bloody, sweaty pile of pulp on the side of the road, waiting for the vultures to pick apart the last ounce of marrow from its bones.

I am wrapping up that aching knee and I am heading over to the gym for a sweat session on the stairmaster. I have pulled out the measuring cups and the food scale so I can make sure that every portion is perfectly sized, not a smidgen too much or too little. I will be drying off my bike for an afternoon speed ride to generate an extra calorie burn for the day. EVERY DAY, rain or shine. I will ice the knee after so that tomorrow I can run the full 5k at my best speed yet. I will write down every bite, lick or taste. I will eat every 2-3 hours, no matter what, because I will be prepared for any circumstance. I will drink a minimum of 3 liters fresh, clean water every day. I will not succumb to the siren's call of Coke Zero or any other artificially sweetened beverage. I will stand rather than sit. I will work my ABs every single workout day, without fail.

I will accept nothing less than total obedience from this body of mine and we will see who wins at the end of a week. Failure is not an option. I do not accept failure.

And I will win.

Never, Never Quit!

It has been a difficult day. I am just flat worn out today and have had to push through absolutely everything on my agenda. By push, I mean, shove my unwilling, unmotivated, groaning self all day long. All that pushing and I am more tired now than I was when I woke up!

Not sure why, just a tough one. I did manage a run, physical therapy, cooking up a batch of incredible soup, several loads of laundry, a phone consult with Maureen, spinning class and a drive to the library where my son has tutoring. I think that sounds like a pretty decent amount of work considering I did not want to do an ounce of it.

Running was hard. I could not find my rhythm and my legs felt full of lead. My shoulder was stiff and sore rendering every aspect of P/T exceptionally painful. Spinning was a little better, but my ride was definitely stilted. It was one of those days.

We all have them. Sometimes they are due to illness. Sometimes it is lack of sleep or inadequate nutrition. Often it is just low motivation. But the key is what we do with it.

Or so I kept telling myself all day long.

There is no physical reason for the way I am feeling, so I had no choice but to tough it out. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, do whatever comes next on the list. Most of all ... NEVER, NEVER QUIT!

My day off is Friday, so unless I am broken or hacking and heaving, I don't get to take a "personal day" until then. I have to earn that day by giving every single day up to it all I have to give. Maybe, just maybe, my aging and complaining old self will reward me tomorrow with an extra good day.

Keep your fingers crossed with me?

Premium Rating

My friend Adam told me that he has lost interest in my blogs because they have become so infrequent. I am going to try and fix that, however, I am not promising anything! Life, workouts, eating, sleeping, taking care of a very busy boy's schedule, physical therapy ... it all adds up to very little me time. But we all know how I feel about excuses.

A couple of things to report: I can now run 4 miles at a solid 12 minute mile speed. Tomorrow I bring it back down to 3 miles, while trying to increase that speed yet again. I am also faithfully accomplishing 40 minutes on the stairmaster 2times per week at level 9. I can do the killer plyometric routine without embarrasment. My ABs are coming along. I (finally) broke through my weightloss barrier.

I think I wrote in the last blog that I have been stuck in the same basic weight range for all of February and the beginning of March. Thankfully, it appears I have finally broken through that barrier. My gratefulness for this is twofold. 1st, there is nothing more disheartening than to to step on the scale day after day after sweaty, denial-filled day and find it has not budged. Seriously, that is the biggest motivation zapper out there. At least, it is for me. 2nd, my husband and signed up for a term life insurance policy and in order to get the premium rate, you guessed it, I need to come in at or below a specific weight that, while not out of reach, has been elusive. For those who have not read from day one or need a reminder, I started this journey at 213 lbs. In order to get the premium rate I need to weigh 167. For the past month I have hovered around 175, with a few rounds of 173. Today I weighed 168. I have 1 week and 2 days to lose a few more pounds and make the 167 goal without fear.

For those of you who did not know my weight, now you understand why I say "people who have not seen me naked think I look good." Someone recently commented that she didn't see where I had more weight to lose. It felt nice, but all I could think was "Holy cats - if you knew what I actually weigh!!!" Well, now she will, if she reads this blog entry.

I have lost a little over 45 lbs total since October 5th when I started this journey. I had movement limiting surgery in the midst. There are times when it is much slower than I wish it would be, but all in all, I have nothing to complain about my journey. Some even think it is remarkably fast. (Crazy people.)

Me? I am just happy that I managed to make it this far in time for that premium life insurance rate.

Yay me. ;-)

Life is Good!

Some really good things have happened lately. And some things I am less than thrilled with, but hey ... you can't have everything, right?

I ran just over 4 miles on Sunday. HUGE feat for me. I was sore after ... but it didn't matter all that much as I was thrilled with the accomplishment. Because I needed to forgo my Stairmaster on Wednesday (legs needed a serious break to tackle that big Thursday), I felt the need to up the ante on Monday's climb. So I set the Stairmaster at level 9 and decided to climb from there as much of the 40 minute workout as I could.

I did the whole 40 minutes.

(Yay me!)

This morning (Tuesday) I was a bit more crunched for time, so I decided to up my speed a couple of clicks and run as much as I could. I was about 1/10 of a mile shy of 3 miles. I ran the whole thing at the higher speed.

And my legs hurt less today.

(Yay me!)

On the negative side, I can not swing a bat yet. My physical therapist is trying to address that, starting today and per my request. After all, we start training again in April and that's only a couple of weeks away. The plus side of this one is ... if for some reason I still can't hit well by the time the season starts, I can run a heck of a lot better. I can bunt and run like mad and actually make it to first base. However, I am a hitter and I missed hitting well last year. I want to hit well again, (Please, God?)

My weight is starting to shift down again. Thank God, as I have been stuck here in the same 5 lbs. range for most of February and this first half of March. It is very frustrating ... but I am persevering in spite of myself.

Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day and I think I am going to forgo the Guinness. Why not wait and celebrate when I reach goal instead? I'm just tired of being stalled ... and there is that whole 5 lbs. more to lose in order to be within the best rate requirements of our newly acquired life insurance plan.

All in all, though, I have nothing to complain about. I am working hard. My body is slimming out and I am starting to see muscle definition. People who don't see me naked think I look pretty good. I weigh less than my husband.

Life is good.

And, oh yeah ... the SUN IS SHINING and is supposed to stay that way all week long.

Seriously, LIFE IS GOOD!!

I Want to Eat Chocolate Today ...

But I am not going to.

I woke up this morning, started my daily ritual (wash face, brush teeth, put in contacts, get dressed), and stepped on the scale as I always do. I closed my eyes and sent a little prayer up that the number would have budged. Preferably lower. I have worked my butt off for the past week. I have eaten very well. I am most definitely expending more calories than I have taken in, yet that scale has remained quite firm through most of February and this start of March. So I prayed as I waited for the scale to register.

And then the results popped up.

Same, same, same. I am officially stuck. I moved to the bed to finish dressing and as I sat, the thought popped into my head, "I might as well eat the dang chocolate."

Oh, boy do I want to eat the chocolate.

As I sit here, confessing this errant path of thinking, I feel so sad that a little thing like a number on a scale has the power to bring joy, or sorrow, into my life. That it has the ability to lead me in a direction every other part of me does not want to go. A man-made device with the ability to derail my God-given resolve.

I am choosing NOT to eat the chocolate. I am choosing to ignore the sad little deflated voice inside my head. I am going to finish this cup of coffee and head to the gym for a good sweat on the stairmaster, followed by some much needed upper body strengthening. After I return home from the gym and other errands, I will eat my tuna salad for lunch (actual salad, not a sandwich!), then I am going to take my feisty terrier for a walk. After I talk through all this negative stuff with Maureen, I will diligently work on cleaning my house. After dropping my son off at karate, I will move all of these emotions into the characters of the next greatest musical to hit Broadway. (Well, whenever I finish it, then it will be the next greatest thing. 'Cuz I think I am on to something. And yes, this is yet another start while there are still so many unfinished ... but this one is nagging and has to be written ...)

I am not going to sit and mull over the reasons my body is failing to react the way I want it to. I am going to keep doing what I know needs to be done and trust that, no matter how obstinate my physical self may be, perseverance will ALWAYS win in the end.

I am also going to try adding a few things in. Like taking a walk every day, now that it is FINALLY feeling a bit like spring out there. Not a heart pounding, blood pumping power walk. A relaxing, clean air breathing, rejuvenating walk. An article I just finished reading says that adding extra activity into your day can help boost a plateaued weight loss. So, mopping the floor which has so needed mopping, vacuuming the carpets, dusting, parking farther away than ever from the stores, taking walks every day in addition to my regular workouts ... all these things will help bump up my activity level.

And planning my creative writing time will help me to accomplish a few other goals. Much better than sitting behind a keyboard for great lengths of time, willing myself to conjure delicious characters out of nothing.

I am NOT eating that chocolate.

"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places." ~Author Unknown

Quads & Hammies & Glutes ... Oh My!

You know it's not going to be a good ride when you find yourself apologizing to your legs 5 minutes into spin class.

*Sigh*

So ... I worked my legs to failure on Monday. Don't worry ... I was supposed to. It's a twice a week thing now. Basically, what this means is I had nothing left to give after my leg workout Monday morning. I wobbled for the rest of the day. I accomplished this same task last Thursday, but was able to follow it up with a full day off on Friday, then light (for me) cardio on Saturday. But Sunday's run I was feelin' fine.

On Monday, I tackled the stairmaster, then followed it up with my seriously killer leg workout. It's hell to finish (sorry for the *bad word*, but seriously, demons, fire, Satan himself need to be pictured here) but I have this huge sense of accomplishment when I do. I knew I worked my hamstrings extra hard as the back portion was even more wobbly than the front. This morning they paid me back the moment I swung my legs over the side of the bed and I have been flinching with every movement since.

It's a good kind of pain, the kind that tells you that good work was done and new strengths have been gained. But let me tell you, getting those legs to run 2.5 miles this morning, then taking them through a spin class this evening was not an easy task. I literally looked down at my legs 5 minutes in and told them I was very sorry for what I had done to them. It appears they forgave me a little, as I was able to finish out the ride.

I can't believe I am about to write this, but I am looking forward to tomorrow because it is *only* a 40 minute climb on the stairmaster followed by an upper body workout. Cake walk compared to Monday. And, oh yeah, Thursday I get to do the leg thing all over again.

But, I think it will be safe to say I have EARNED my day off on Friday after that. Right now I am thinking I have earned a good couch sit watching LOST.

Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did. ~Newt Gingrich