Goodbye, Daddy

What is sadness? Is it loss, or loneliness, regret, or fear? Is it an emptiness ... or perhaps just an ache, where something used to be, but is no longer?

Today, my Daddy died. Where once there was a strong presence, even in absence, there is a void which will remain unfilled for the rest of my days. We knew it was coming, brain tumors of this sort offer little hope. The knowledge has done nothing to assuage the emptiness in my heart. To a little girl, Daddy is everything.

This morning, before I knew, when I said a prayer for him, I whispered "I always loved you best." It's not entirely true of course. As a parent with multiple children loves each of them equally, yet separately and individually, so I love my parents, each equally, individually and uniquely. But it was my Daddy that I always strove to please.

I could be less than perfect with my Mum. I shared my failures with her, I shared my fears and my tears. But I tried my hardest for my Dad. I wanted his pride more than anything. Being a man of few words, I honestly did not often know if my attempts were noticed, or appreciated, by him. Now that the opportunity has completely passed, I will always wish I had come right out and asked "Hey, Dad ... did I do OK? Are you proud of the person I grew up to be?"

Because I wanted to be so strong and independent (qualities I felt he admired), I very rarely showed him my soft, vulnerable side. I did not hug him readily, tell him I loved him frequently, did not reveal to him exactly how much his respect meant to me. My attempts to do so in the last few months since his diagnosis have been clumsy at best. I will forever regret the years I wasted, now that the opportunities have completely slipped away. I can only hope that he always knew, and the last few months solidified it, in some way.

If I have learned anything at all from this, it is that ANY opportunity is a good one to tell someone what they mean to you. Forgive easily and don't hold grudges. Worry less about revealing your vulnerability and more about revealing the truth in your heart. Love with everything you have and as if this is the last time you might get the chance. Live every moment of your life, dance upon your road and don't be afraid to sing with joy at every opportunity. It's short, this path.

I love you, Daddy. And I will miss you every day. I hope that you are playing golf on the green of your dreams, spending eternity in the glorious presence of God. I imagine He plays a mean round of golf. I look forward to catching up in the club house someday and telling you how proud I am to be your daughter.