I'm not talking about the breaking down into tears falling apart. I am talking about the losing everything that I am falling apart. When I get into a good mope, I let the world around me just dissipate into background noise. I live in the tiny little space inside my head where I can faintly hear whispers of humanity, but I have little to no regard for it. I simply don't care. I can *act* like I am there, but not be anywhere near *there*. I am a creature of routine. I thrive on it. When I have routine to my life, I am happier, more in control of my emotions (especially my anger), much nicer to be around and I am productive. But as much as I thrive on routine, there is this evil, masochistic part of myself that, when faced with stress and adversity, lets routine slide and gleefully watches as I crumble bit by bit, losing myself in the vast ocean known as "Mope".
I have had some very good reasons for being stressed, depressed, blue ... but not a single one of them is an excuse for the ways in which I have allowed myself to slip. Starting today, I am getting back into my routine and I am calling upon help from some friends to keep me accountable.
First, I have not been as dedicated to my eating as I need to be if I want to see results. Therefore, starting today, I will be (once again!) logging my food diary on this blog every night. I need there to be eyes on what I am eating and I need to know that those eyes will be there. And I need to know that people care enough to smack me on the butt if I a) don't eat properly, or b) don't share the journal daily. I may not be able to write long blogs, but I can at least enter the food. If you don't see an entry from me ... please give me a shout and a shove.
Note: I am going to visit my Dad next week. They live in an area that has very limited Internet access (I know right? However, I can't help it that they choose to reside in the last holdout from civilization.) I may not be able to get the journal in every day, but I will keep a paper journal and will put it all on the computer when I am able to get access.
I have not been as diligent about my workouts as I need to be. I have still been doing it, but I have allowed this knee issue to hold me back, mentally as well as physically. It's time to get focused again and do whatever I CAN do, even while I am trying to heal the knee. I am seeing my Physical Therapist tomorrow in the hopes that we can determine exactly what the issue is and take steps towards true recovery. In the meantime, elliptical, swimming laps, arc trainer ... those will have to be my mainstays in cardio ... and trying to add walking every evening. not long distances, just gentle walking so I can get extra movement and steps into my day and hopefully loosen it up some. Unless Matt says no. Playing that one by ear. (Still playing softball, just hoping that I can wrap it well enough to run bases when needed.)
I am going to record my weight here every Monday again so that you will know if I am going up or down ... and you can hold me accountable. Because it has been going up and I am not letting that trend continue. The scale said 172.4 this morning. Not a friendly number.
That's all, folks. I need your help. I can not continue to mope, I can not continue to derail myself. I simply have to stand up and fight on, despite all the crud going on in my personal life. I don't often admit to needing people, but today I am admitting that I do ... for accountability's sake, at the very least. Hold me to it, and don't let me cheat myself out of victory.
"It is not only what we do, but also what we do not do, for which we are accountable." ~Moliere~
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