I hate tuna fish. It is vile. I eat it because it is “good for me” – high in protein, low in fat and calories, yada, yada. But I really, really do hate the stuff. I like chicken … but I am bored with even that. I don’t eat beef or pork, if it is at all within my control. I don’t have time to make grilled fish for every meal, nor would I want it as I get tired of fish even faster than I get tired of chicken. Right now, the meatless options such as Quorn chicken or Boca Burgers are “not allowed”. My options for food are so extremely limited right now that I would actually prefer not to eat at all. I am BORED with my food … I hate what I eat. I am finding it very hard to stay on plan, to eat my 5-6 meals per day when the food tastes like crap or cardboard … or makes me want to vomit, as does tuna. I “like” salad … but not every single day. It’s the same problem. Lettuce tastes like lettuce, the texture doesn’t change. It’s just … lettuce. I can’t stand the taste of fat free salad dressings … and the few low fat options that I can stomach I have used so much that I don’t care if I ever eat them again. Blueberries are fine. Grapes are fine. Strawberries, too. But I get them so infrequently in my menu plans that the (expensive) package goes bad before I can get halfway through. My other option is to freeze them, which renders them good only for oatmeal. So every 3rd day I can drop a ¼ cup of frozen blueberries into my oatmeal. Yippy skippy. That doesn’t help me when I am looking for a snack that is acceptable. So I tried cherries (bought some for the family as they are in season). Cherries are fruit, high in antioxidants, fairly low in calories. I ate 20 of them (with pits, which I spit out of course) as a snack. Then later in the day when I was looking for something to go along with my roasted veggies in a whole wheat pita sandwich (which wasn't on plan, but seriously, come on!), I grabbed 5 green olives. Because frankly? I had no desire to steam some broccoli or asparagus just for me. It didn’t sound good, I am BORED with both of them, and I was late getting dinner anyway. It should be noted that I looked it up … there are 25 calories total in a serving of 5 green olives. But it was something different that tasted good and didn’t make me want to quit. Again.
I don’t want to eat like my Mom cooks. I can’t stand eating pig at all and that was nearly every meal while we were there. But I honestly can’t stomach my current menu, either. I have no desire whatsoever to stay true to it. I realize that this is my problem, not the foods and I should just “get over it and myself and do it”. But when I sat here thinking those things to myself when I received a blank email from my trainer entitled “Cherries? Olives?” all I wanted to do was QUIT. That’s what ran through my head the moment I read the email (or rather the title of the email, as the body of the email itself was blank) … really? Cherries and olives are questionable items? Fine … then I give up. I quit. Because I do NOT WANT TO EAT THE OTHER CRAP ANYMORE.
And then I cried.
I cried because I don’t want to let myself down. I cried because I don’t want to let her down. I don’t want to fail or quit or give up. But I don’t see how I can keep going with the current menu. I would rather quit eating altogether. I went back and looked at the menu this morning, trying to get myself back on plan and I just couldn’t do it. I sat here nursing my coffee until 9am because I couldn’t bear the thought of egg whites and toast, cereal with skim milk or oatmeal. And those were my only options. I seriously considered skipping altogether. But I knew that was bad, too. Worse, actually. So, I mixed 3/8 c. blueberries with a 5.3 oz. container of FF vanilla Greek yogurt. Pretty sure I will get a “questionable” email on that too … but there is a part of me that is just not caring anymore.
It’s now 10:30am and I know I need to eat a snack/lunch type thing in an hour or so … and my options are: 3 oz chicken on lettuce with ½ c brown rice or 3 oz chicken on Arnold roll with mustard or 3 oz chicken breast with ½ c brown rice. And none of those options is in the least appealing to me. Not to mention the fact that they are not options. Pretty much the same thing.
It’s not that I need food to be fun. It’s just that, right now, I would rather starve than eat this stuff. I’ve never been very good at eating the same thing over and over. Some things, yes, of course. Who couldn’t eat chocolate every day? But not this type of food. I need to get it changed … because in my head, the options are quit eating altogether … or quit trying to stay on plan. The “eat it anyway even if it makes you puke” option is off the table.
So … that’s my rant. Maybe tomorrow I will feel better?
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