Doing Things Differently

Today I am doing things differently.

It's just a decision I made when I woke up. No, this doesn't specifically refer to diet and/or exercise, as I have not been horrible in that department as of late. This directly refers to how I am going to look at the day.

Differently.

You see, lately, I have been waking each morning with a sense of dread about what the day will bring. I have had a victim's mentality, always waiting for the next hit to come, the next thing to destroy what might have been a perfectly ordinary, perfectly wonderful day. We've taken a lot of hits this year, the Gagliano family. But you know what? When I sit and think about it ... there have been more things to celebrate than to mourn. It's just the mournful things have been uniquely large, looming menacingly in every direction, casting huge, impenetrable shadows. Those types of things are rather impossible to avoid.

It must be stated, though, that I gave it the old college try. I am a master avoider. I have often referred to myself as an "Ostrich". My favorite way to face a really big problem is to stick my head in the ground and wait for it to pass. Unfortunately, that leaves my rather large derriere hanging out, prime target for some really serious kicking. I might avoid the problems ... but they never have any intention of avoiding me.

My dad died on August 10th. I cried, I was sad, but I really didn't allow too much time for this particular event in the deeper reaches of my psyche. I have anger, resentment, fear, self-loathing, frustration all mixed in with immeasurable sorrow and loss. Of course, when you are dealing with the loss of a parent, guilt is always involved in the process as well. It is only within the last week or so that I have really allowed myself to just mourn. It's a little frustrating to me, because mourning takes time out an already taxing schedule and I don't have time to spare. But, stick my head in the ground as I will, the mourning will still come.

We've had some very specific problems with my son lately. Lying, backtalk, disrespectful, complete disregard for rules ... and absolutely no fear of whatever punishment we lay down. Take away all his stuff (who cares?), prohibit him from going trick-or-treating (I'm too old for that stuff anyway), Spanking (it doesn't hurt), stand in the corner (it's boring, but whatever), remove all sugar from the diet (just sneaks it when we take our eyes off him for 2 minutes). I mean, come on, is this not frustrating?! Talk about taking away every bit of power that a parent has. Then, his mother, in a fit of rage at having no power over her disrespectful son, throws him and his book bag out of the house one morning and tells him to *get out of my house* ... sending a truly devastated and hurt little boy to school. To tell his teacher about his horrible mom, who threw him out, how he has no place to live, how his parents don't love him and never do anything with him, don't even want to.

I've been at my wits end.

Last night I went to bed as sad as I have been in a long time, and feeling completely out of control. This morning I woke up determined to do things differently.

First, I am taking back the control. I can sit and wait for these bad things to keep coming, or I can decide that I will have a defense already in place to deflect them. I have already contacted a local child psychologist to set up an appointment for my son. It's obvious there are some real issues going on that I am incapable of fixing for him. I am going to get him someone who can help him understand that his behavior is only hurting himself ... and who can hopefully give me some new ideas.

Second, I am contacting ROC Boxing and setting up an appointment next week to go talk about starting a training regimen with them. I am ready for a new challenge. I need something to inspire me. I need a way to release some aggression. I'm not sure if I am physically ready, but I can't wait around for a bum knee to heal, unless I am prepared to get surgery for it. My shoulder is nearly a year out from surgery now. It's time to start expecting a bit more from it. Sure, I'd like to be all skinny before I enter into this training, but its probably not going to happen, so lets just start now and get skinny during. Well, scary, crazy ripped during.

Third, I am removing every type of junk from my house. Sugary junk that is. Looking for a food bank to donate the stuff to. There is just no reason for me to keep on hand cake mixes I won't be making, oreo cookie snacks, soda ... basically anything that I am not allowing my son to eat. It just won't be in the house anymore. Not only does it benefit him, it benefits ME. I don't even like the stuff, but when I go on a binge, its there and it might be disgusting, but its still temptation. If he can't eat it, none of us can. It's only fair.

It's a new day. It's a different day. It's a take charge and make the best out of your life day. It's the only chance at TODAY that I will ever have. I was not born to fail.

"Welcome every morning with a smile. Look on the new day as another special gift from your Creator, another golden opportunity to complete what you were unable to finish yesterday. Be a self-starter. Let your first hour set the theme of success and positive action that is certain to echo through your entire day. Today will never happen again. Don't waste it with a false start or no start at all. You were not born to fail." ~Og Mandino~