The largest, most difficult and most important was the discovery of my Dad's Glioblastoma (wrote about in last post). An inoperable monster of a tumor, bent on destruction, invading both hemisphere's of his brain. It simply takes your breath away to think about it. The world around me changed in an instant; things important before no longer held value. Plans scrambled and rearranged. Priorities shifted drastically. I've spent a great deal of time reading up on this monster, praying, crying, questioning. Now I am just working on breathing.
Second storm to bluster in was the loss of our Labrador Retriever, Tyler. Having lived for 16 joyous years, we knew his time was coming to an end, but the downward spiral got remarkably faster the past few weeks. The humane thing to do was to put him out of his misery. However, in light of my father's illness, nothing about it felt "humane". Upon arriving for his appointment at the Vet's Saturday morning, the assistants pretty much took one look at him and knew there was nothing else to be done. Ty's weight was 48 lbs that day ... at his peak of health he weighed 90 lbs. A shell of the dog he once was. Thankfully, it was quiet and peaceful and we all know that Ty is running somewhere with a bunch of other dogs, awaiting the arrival of his family members someday in the distant future. Unfortunately, the family left behind feels, as my son so eloquently put it, "like a puzzle missing a piece that makes the picture whole."
Finally, and trust me, this is the absolute LEAST of the difficulties we have faced, I have injured my leg. Same leg that has given me problems since High School, however, this time, even after a week of rest, the pain is not going away. Diminished from one week ago when I could barely walk, but still very painful. Every movement, every step, every twist emits a sharp stab, and when I keep perfectly still, it remains a distant ache. The reason this injury belongs in the realm of the perfect storm is how it has managed to affect my mental outlook. It's very difficult to remain optimistic in the face of cancer, death and loss. It's pretty much impossible when every movement is emphasized by sharp pain.
I have spent the past week in a fog. I am well-acquainted with depression and know the signs. Feeling tired, lethargic, lacking energy or desire, loss of appetite, crying bouts ... these are all classic February moments for me. Out of control of my life. It's not a good place for me to be.
I have tried to continue doing the things I know I need to do. I have been to the gym, I have tried to eat according to my plan. My workouts have had to be altered in relation to the leg injury ... which frankly ticks me off. My food ... well, I would eat a couple of bites ... but lets be honest ... NOTHING tastes good. So for the most part I have pushed my plate away. I've spent a fair amount of time reading, playing computer games, doing mindless activities that I don't have to think during. Put the brain on autopilot and just make it through, one minute to the next.
Today I simply have to change that.
I can not keep going like this. I have to find control of my life somehow, and I guess right now the only thing I CAN control is my food and my workouts. So what if they are not what I wish they could be. I am going to work hard at what I can work hard at. I've spent the past several months going to town on my legs due to the shoulder surgery. I guess now I can let the legs have their break and amp up the upper body workout. There are still things I can not do, thanks to that rotator cuff, but there are enough other things that I should be able to get in a great workout without over using the legs. And I can write down all of my food again, measure it out, eat when I am supposed to.
I can control these things, even if I can not control anything else in my life. My world is not going to get easier over the next year, only more difficult and more emotional. I need to take charge of it right now, so I can be strong, hopeful and optimistic for my Dad when the going gets rough. I've got to make this boat as strong as it can possibly be so that it will come out on the other side of the storm, battered and bruised possibly, but intact. That, I can control.
“The world isn't interested in the storms you encountered, but whether or not you brought in the ship.” ~Raul Armesto~
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