Impostor

Have you ever felt like you were an impostor? Possibly pretending to be something you are not, feigning comfort way out of your comfort zone, laughing when inside you would rather curl up and cry? I feel like that pretty much every day, in one aspect of my life or another. My motto has always been "fake it until you make it". Or, in other words, keep muddling through until it starts to be natural.

This philosophy has served me well (somewhat) in quite a few hairy situations. I absolutely HATE social situations where I have little or nothing in common with the people I am socializing with. For example, business dinners with my husband. Let's face it ... laser physics are way beyond me. And, although I love my gun-toting former USMC sniper with all my heart, actual guns are simply not a passion for me. I am cursed with an inability to use small talk, so I have to psych myself up before any of these functions. Smile, nod, fake it 'til you make it, ask about them, talk about the weather ... keep them talking so you don't have to, etc.

I also feel a bit like an impostor right now with the whole fitness/weight loss thing. Sure, I am doing everything I am supposed to, I am excited, pumped and sincerely motivated to blow my goals out of the water. But, I am also painfully acquainted with the real me; the one who fails, falls, quits, blows it, loses her motivation ...

People see me getting results and they seem to believe that I have this rock-hard will power that absolutely refuses to quit. For some reason, they think I have cracked the code on motivation. And I am quietly quaking every day, knowing that I am going to slip up and they will see me for the impostor I am. Just another regular person, who will probably fail a billion times before reaching my goals. Even when my trainer suggested that I have the drive to someday compete, in the back of my mind I was thinking "Oh boy, I have her fooled too!" I know me. Or at least, I know my history.

So, even while I am excited and motivated by my success, I continue to be cautiously optimistic, lest that person decides to rear her chubby little cheeks again. I am keeping guards posted, watching for the little imp who whispers in my ear and causes me to step off my trail to success.

Who knows? Maybe someday, the impostor will be the truth; I really will have *made it* after a whole lot of faking it.

SUNDAY FOOD DIARY
Breakfast
Egg Whites (All Whites 100% Liquid Egg Whites), 0.7 cup
Regular Coffee, 3 cup (8 fl oz)
John McCann's Steel Cut Irish Oatmeal, 0.5 cup
Apples, fresh, 0.25 cup, quartered or chopped
Lunch
Annie's Organic Horseradish Mustard, 4 tsp
Chicken Breast, no skin, 3 ounces
Romaine Lettuce (salad), 1 inner leaf
Red Ripe Tomatoes, 2 slice, thin/small
Dinner
Jennie-O Extra Lean Ground Turkey, 4 oz 120 26
Mache, 1 cup
Frontera Gourmet Mexican Salsa - Chipotle, 6 tbsp
Snack
Cottage Cheese, 2% Milkfat, 4 oz
Almonds, 12 almond
Universal Super Whey Protein Powder, 23 gram(s)
Milk, nonfat, 1 cup