Me and My Bell ...

I have a lot of work to do to make it to my next goal.  In fact, as I sit here contemplating that next goal, I am concerned that I might be trying to place the bar too high.  Having an in-achievable goal is possibly worse than having no goal at all.

"The goal you set must be challenging. At the same time, it should be realistic and attainable, not impossible to reach. It should be challenging enough to make you stretch, but not so far that you break." ~Rick Hansen~

What to do?

Yesterday, my competition Kettlebell class had it's mock tournament.  At the end of every many-week session, we are tested as if we are actually in competition, doing our chosen lift in the 10 minute time frame.  I currently compete in the Long Cycle Jerk using a 16kg (35.2lb) bell.  In 10 minutes (almost exactly 5 minutes on each arm) I completed 74 total long cycle jerk lifts.  This is 12 more than I accomplished the last time I tested (early June, just before I broke my leg), so I guess I should be satisfied.

I am not, however.  I have been studying the ranking sheet over at the IKFF website.  Currently, with that test, I would have achieved a 3rd Ranking in the "Sporting Perfection" category of my weight class.  In order to accomplish a 1st ranking, I need to add 46 more lifts into my 10 minute time frame, for a total of 120.  Or lose 50 pounds before the competition (either June or July).  If I lose 50 lbs by the competition, I only need to add in 40 more lifts (total of 114) in 10 minutes.

Or I guess I could aim for 100 total lifts using a 20kg (44 lb) bell.

And here I thought I was doing so well.  (Picture the cartoon version of me rolling around on the floor, laughing and crying and out of control.)

That face I am wearing in the photo?  That is my "Oh Dear God ... I am not even finished with the first arm and I am flat exhausted" face.  By the time I switched over to the right arm, my legs were tired, my upper back was fatigued and I was starting to lose focus.  I was far more disciplined on my left arm, for timing and rhythm, but my right arm had cleaner technique and my lifts were more perfect.  This is due, in part, to the fact that my right rotator cuff has been giving me fits and I am very aware that if my form is off in the slightest, that arm will be done for months, instead of merely weeks.

(Thanks, Lynn, for taking the photo, btw.  It's always good to see the horrifying lovely faces I make!)  

Of course, I felt that my right forearm was destroyed before the 7 minute mark and is still wimpy today.  My legs were thrashed at the 5 minute mark.  I guess I know what body parts need special attention over the next 4 months.

So, I guess I do have a plan of sorts, and some serious goals in mind.  I may need to tweak them in May or so, depending upon how I progress.  I am going to work on building my forearm strength and endurance.  I am going to spend more time on the squats and lunges ... and calf lifts, as my left leg, especially, still gets incredibly tired.  I am going to up my cardio for endurance and fat loss. (Yes, that means running again, at least 1 day a week.)   I am going to keep that diet clean and be prepared.  (Meaning, there will be cheat days, but I will plan for them and not let weekends run off on their own merry way because I haven't properly prepared,)

Who knows?  If I am diligent in my training, I may accomplish all of the goals ... gain the lifts AND lose the weight.  Then I could compete for the CMS (Candidate Master of Sport) ranking.

I have certainly got my work cut out for me over the next several months.

"The goal you set must be challenging. At the same time, it should be realistic and attainable, not impossible to reach. It should be challenging enough to make you stretch, but not so far that you break." ~Rick Hansen~

 "If I've got correct goals, and if I keep pursuing them the best way I know how, everything falls into line. If I do the right thing right, I'm going to succeed." ~Dan Dierdorf~ 

Challenges ...

I did finish The 21 Day Sugar Detox, by the way.  I simply haven't found the free time to spend writing about it until now.

Just FYI for those who read my words almost a year ago in April, I also completed the 10,000 Swings in 30 Days challenge.  I did 10,001 ... just because I wanted to exceed my expectations.

Coach challenged me at the beginning of January to row 50,000 meters before the end of the month.  I have just over 700 meters to go to finish that challenge, and will do so today.  Figured I should write it now, as most likely I will forget all about it after I accomplish it.  That seems to be my trend.

I'm not quite sure why ... maybe it's "checked off in the completed category" and therefore forgotten as I move onto the next big TO-DO in my life.  For whatever reason, I don't seem to stop and celebrate the little successes I have in my life.

But, BOY, do I sure lament about and dwell upon the failures.  I can spend HOURS writing about all the ways I have let myself down, all the ways in which I have quit, been defeated or flat out failed.  Those things, I seem to have plenty of words for and time with which to write them.

There's something wrong with that philosophy, isn't there?  Why do we spend so much time beating ourselves up, and so little time edifying?  Why is it so much easier to hear the bad stuff than the good?  Why is our success never quite enough, while our failure is so complete?

The 21 Day Sugar Detox was eye opening in a lot of ways.  I embarked upon the quest as an experiment upon my body.  How would I react to complete depletion of my carbohydrate stores?  Are grains something I will feel deprived of?  Will I forget how to behave as a human while I limit these things from my diet?  Is it a lifestyle I can (or want to) maintain 90% of the rest of my days?  Well ...

1. My body actually responded very well to limiting the carbs.  In the first week I had some very mild fuzziness and low energy levels.  However, these were not much more that I would normally feel after getting slightly less sleep than I prefer (I am an 8 hour per night girl, but regularly only get 7 hours.)  I was a bit forgetful, but lets face it ... I am forgetful anyway (early onset Alzheimer's, I'm convinced!).
2. I did not miss grains a bit.  Granted, sandwiches are much easier to eat on the road than a salad and in that way, I guess I might have missed them a bit, but otherwise?  Nope.  Making a protein breakfast has no longer prep time than making a bowl of oatmeal (I always used the slow cook, steel cut variety).  Scrambling some eggs with chopped veggies and maybe a couple slices of bacon did not cut into my morning time at all.  Not even the clean up time.  (That oatmeal pan was a B*#$%!)
3. Well, maybe I did become a bit more grumpy than normal.  I certainly found my temper a little shorter. Things that bugged me previously, I could swallow and bite my tongue on (or close the laptop and still my fingers on) whereas, now?  I unleashed my full rage far faster than before.  (All Giants fans who tried to draw me into their little football world were unlucky recipients of this rage.)  But it did seem to get a little better towards the end.  I'm still uncertain as to whether this was me getting used to this way of eating, or just that I realized I was turning into a monster and started reining in some control ...)
4. Yes, I do believe I can maintain this lifestyle 90% of the rest of my life.  I say 90% because, let's face it, I will want to have a piece of cake at some time in the future.  I am sure that I will go out for sushi eventually ... and want a roll, instead of straight sashimi.  When I visit family members, there is sure to be pasta offered up and I can't be the crazy rude one who refuses to eat.  But, most of the time?  It is really easy.  If I go out to dinner, I can order grilled meat and steamed veggies or a salad (bring my own dressing, of course!)  When I am home, it is easy to fix a pasta or rice side for my husband and son, but stick with the meat and potatoes for myself.  I can enjoy an occasional glass of wine, if I want. 

There's another challenge out there, a little stricter, a little longer, called the Whole30.  I am reading through the literature on that one and deciding when and how to stick it in, or even if I want to.  I think that I do, because I like the results I have seen on this "precursor" plan (did I tell you I am down 12 lbs from when I started?  Nice side effect!)  My digestive track is really happy (no more IBS ... think I might be one of the 5-10% who has a gluten intolerance and did not know it??), my skin is happy, my scale is happy ... all around good things.  My depression has ebbed (could be just a general ebbing, or could be diet-related), my energy, while it has not increased, it has not decreased, which is normally what occurs when I hit winter.

Although the Detox has ended, I haven't really changed much.  I have added some fruit back in, but not daily ... just as I have wanted it.  And the fruit I added back in were actually the Granny Smith apple and the green-tinged banana that I was allowed during the Detox.  I also ate a handful of dried figs with my almonds for an afternoon snack yesterday.  That's it.  I intend to enjoy a glass of wine Friday night with my husband.  Those are my big cheats (treats), but for all intents and purposes, I am sticking with the basic plan until, well, until I change my mind or try something different.

"Challenges make you discover things about yourself that you never really knew. They're what make the instrument stretch-what make you go beyond the norm."  ~Cicely Tyson~

What's next?

My 21 days of being sugar-free are coming to an end.  Or, at least, the 21 Day Sugar Detox is coming to a close.  On Monday, January 23rd, I am free to start putting sugar and grains back into my diet.

I'm not sure I want to.

Yes, that glass of red wine that I have been pining over ... THAT I want put back into my diet.  At least, you know, a glass on Friday nights.  I do want that back.  Maybe an apple to go with my almond butter, or some blue berries to add to my goat milk kefir in the morning for a breakfast alternative.  (Getting a bit tired of eggs.)  But, otherwise, I think I am liking the results of a sugar and grain free way of life.

"Officially", I have lost just over 11 lbs. since starting.  While I can not claim to have an over-abundance of energy, I am no worse off than I was before the detox.  I have found my (ahem) bowels to be much happier and my body seems to use up the food very efficiently, which tells me its getting lots of great nutrients out of it, and needing to eliminate less waste.

It's also fairly easy to accommodate when eating out.  Simply order grilled meat and veggies, hold the pasta/rice/bread etc., please.  I make my own salad dressing, so as long as I remember to bring some with me, I can pretty much stay on track with a grilled chicken salad anywhere I go.

So, *gasp*, does this mean I am ready to embrace the Paleo lifestyle?

Well ...

Yes ... and no.

I do believe there is a lot of truth to the research behind it.  I do not believe all grains are evil.  I DO like how my body reacts to limiting them, but I don't see myself NEVER having another, say, fish taco, for the rest of my life.  But, making grain and processed sugar items "treats & cheats" and not a mainstay in my diet seems like a really good plan.  Those who know me, or have followed my writing, know that I have always tried to live a pretty clean eating lifestyle.  I avoid sugar, or tend to use Sucanat, home grown dried stevia, or pure maple syrup or maple sugar in place of the evil white stuff.  But grains, whole grains, have been a huge part of my diet.  From the oatmeal in the morning, to the whole grain sandwiches at lunch, and the brown rice with dinner.  Pretty much every meal in my day held a portion of grain.  And I am not buying into the "all grains are evil" theory.  But, this little experiment on my body has shown me that grains, although not evil, might not be the best thing to eat every single day, every single meal.

Something else that I feel should be pointed out:  I have not counted calories.  Other than the first 2 days, when I logged my intake just to have some sort of idea where the calories were falling (around 1500 each day), I have simply eaten when I was hungry and stopped when I was full.  I kept a bag of raw almonds in my car, next to my water bottle, for emergencies.  You know, when you are running errands, driving from here to there and realize you are starving and your best food option will be something from a gas station or drive-thru (neither of which is acceptable to me).  I would just snack on some almonds until the hunger was under control, finish my business, then work on getting that real meal.  I didn't weigh OR measure my food.  I cooked in coconut oil, olive oil, or *gasp again* real organic butter.

And I worked out a lot, and hard.  But that hasn't every really been a problem for me.  (Months of healing a broken leg aside.)  Eating real food while getting my butt up off the chair/couch etc.  I sit far less, my house is a heck of a lot cleaner and my butt is getting smaller.  I write less, true, but the time I spend behind the face of this laptop seems to be more productive.

So what's next?  More of the same I guess, with a few treats mixed in.  And 5 words that sum up my plan quite succinctly:

Eat FOOD.  Move a LOT.

How's that "No Sugar" thing going for ya?

I am on Day 8 of the 21 Day Sugar Detox ( http://www.the21daysugardetox.com/ ) and I gotta tell you ... I am loving how I feel. 

I didn't think I would.  A year ago when Kaz first brought it up to me, my first response was "no oatmeal for the morning?  Nope that ain't workin' for me.  You have your healthy diet and I have mine."  The idea of adding more 4-legged animals into my daily menu didn't help his argument.  I just wasn't there yet.  I'm still not 100% THERE ... meaning ... I would still prefer to eat chicken over roast beast, but my body seems to be enjoying the change.

A typical day of meals for me looks like this:

• 2 eggs, 3 slices uncured bacon, coffee
• water, water, water ... oh, maybe a handful of almonds (raw, no salt)
• Lettuce, onions, tomato, cucumber, avocado salad, with grilled chicken or steak and homemade (no sugar) olive oil vinaigrette
• water, water, water ... maybe a handful of almonds, walnuts or hazelnuts (raw, no salt) if hungry or heading to another workout
• Grilled, baked or broiled organic beef or chicken, roasted or steamed veggies
• water, water, water, cup of hot tea, more water

Pretty basic, very clean ... the veggies are all organic if I can find them and the meat is always organic, grass-fed.  I am drinking a TON of water, because I crave it.  Not sure if that is just my body getting back to normal (I have always drank a lot of water) or if my body needs more water to process the food.  The scale is down, although I won't officially know how much until my TOPS weigh in tonight.  (I have a great, accurate scale at home that I check myself on, but use the TOPS scale as official ...)

I've not craved sugar, not really.  Which is HUGE because, let's face it folks, I ate a LOT of sugar cookies over the holidays.  My only real difficulty was watching my husband drink some wine Friday night.  I made him promise not to buy my favorite while I detox, which helped.  It's not that I crave wine, but more that I enjoy the relaxing glass we traditionally share on Friday nights.  Still, it's only 21 days, so I should be fine.  I haven't even indulged in the limited, but allowed green apple or not-quite-ripe banana!

Sugar is in everything ... have you ever noticed that?  I don't mean the naturally occurring, minimal sugars in meats and veggies, but the added sugar in every other (even minimally) processed food out there.  Needed some beef broth for a recipe, so I purchased a box in my favorite organic brand.  4th item on the ingredient list?  Organic Evaporated Cane Juice.  In the "sugar" world, this is one of the least offensive ... but still, there it is.  Sweetener added to a food that simply does not need it.  Needless to say, the box is still on the shelf in my pantry and I purchased some marrow bones and cooked up a batch of homemade broth for future recipes. 

Something else that I have noticed, although I am not 100% convinced it is related ... my attitude has improved. I still have almost daily crying sessions, but I don't feel the overwhelming "doom" that I did before.  I am still struggling with depression ... but I am not as crippled by it as I was before.  And as long as I can see improvement, I can avoid adding the anti-depressant I had begun to believe was inevitable.  I hate adding chemicals to my body, whether it needs them or not ... if I can avoid this final step, I will be quite content!

So, I guess you could say the "No Sugar Thing" is working out okay for me!

"In order to succeed you must fail, so that you know what not to do the next time."  ~Anthony J. D'Angelo~

Why Are You Doing That?

Happy 1st Monday of January, or January 2nd, 2012, as it may prefer to be known.  It is the beginning of a brand new year, a brand new plan, hopefully a brand new attitude. 

Yesterday, I was having a conversation with a friend at my gym and she said something to the effect of "You have to stop looking at the past.  All that stuff is gone and in yesterday and you just have to focus on the future and move on."  It kind of smacked me in the face, because, yes, I have been living in the past and not letting ANYTHING go. 

Some of it is justified.  Mourning the loss of a parent, especially in a fairly sudden and traumatic way means there will be a certain amount of dwelling in the past.  Everyone takes a different mourning path, and there is no time limit.  You move on when it is time to move on.  Mine took a little longer than I expected, and if I am being truthful with myself, I am not quite ready to "move on".  I am, however, ready to start moving forward and stop using that as an excuse for self-destructive behavior.

I also broke my leg.  Yeah, yeah, we have all heard it too many times.  Yes, I am still having a lot of pain in that leg and there are things I can not do yet, may never be able to do again.  Time to quit using it as an excuse and start strengthening everything else I can in order to be a fully functioning body in the universe.  I've got a crappy knee, I've got crappy joints.  Get over it.  Move on.  Next!

So the "next" is that I have joined a TOPS group, meeting every Tuesday evening.  We weigh in, discuss strategies, encourage one another.  I like it better than the old Weight Watchers meetings because 1) everyone is following their own plan and 2) there isn't a leader standing in front of a classroom lecturing us.  We sit around tables in a discussion format and although we have a "leader" she is more like one of us, than the almighty Wizard of Weight Loss.

The other "next", the part that started today is my 21-Day Sugar Detox.  (Also, the reason for today's blog title.)  The same woman at my gym, when I excitedly told her that "tomorrow I start my Sugar Detox" said "Why are you doing that?"  Kind of turned her lip up a bit, derisively.  I know she didn't mean it badly or negatively ... more like "why do you want to do something as crazy as that".  The first questions out of her mouth after I started explaining were "What about fruit?  You can't have fruit?"  Well, yes, a green apple or a green, not quite ripe banana per day are allowed, but I'd rather not.  It's only 21 days after all.  But she did make me think.  Why, indeed, am I doing this?

Well, the obvious answer is that I have over indulged in Christmas Cookies this season and feel like I have enough sugar coursing through my veins to open a bakery.  I want to get my system purged of the stuff as I start the new year and lean out again.  Another answer might be that my friend Kaz has been doing it for years and has been touting the virtues of a Paleo style diet for quite some time.  (The 21-day is a precursor to that lifestyle.)  He also claims to feel like a million bucks.  Paleo is being embraced by many in the cross fit world and it seems a pretty natural fit for the competitive kettlebell and boxing world as well.  So this is a way to check it out, while ridding my body of some excess sugar in the meantime.

Who knows ... maybe I will find that my mind quits working entirely when carb-depleted.  Or maybe I will find that my muscles heal faster with the protein load.  I might find it works super well for me, or I might find that it does not ... but either way, I won't know until I try.  I do know that I have ALWAYS been a fan of eating clean, healthy, GOD-made foods, instead of engineered foods (or Frankenfood, as many like to call it.)  I have always purchased organic or grassfed whenever possible.  I shy away from artificial sweeteners because there is something just wrong with working hard on building a better body, and then filling it with chemicals.  I have always felt that nuts make a better mid-day snack than a protein bar.  Real food.  And Real Food that actually tastes good.  Eating should be enjoyable.  You should look forward to the meal, prepared with fresh ingredients and bursting with nutritional value and great taste.  If I am going to spend time eating it, it should be worth the time spent.  It should taste GOOD.

So, today's breakfast was 2 eggs, 3 slices uncured bacon and a cup of steamed brussel sprouts.  Brussel sprouts?!  Yeah ... I needed a green veggie and it was what I had convenient.  Also, black coffee, because that's how I drink it most of the time anyway.  (It's only during the holiday season that I indulge in skinny-gingerbread latte's.)  Lunch is going to be a mixed greens salad with tomato, onion, a handful of kalamata olives and some chicken breast with an olive oil vinaigrette dressing.  Not sure what dinner is ... but if it tastes good and looks pretty I will post it as Food Porn.  I might even share the recipe on my food blog. 

Ringing in the new ~ !

"Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion.  You must set yourself on fire."  ~Arnold H. Glasow

Hello, My Old Friend ...

It's been a while.  A really long while.  Things have went from bad to worse ... then even worse than that.

My emotional and physical knocks have been many (my Dad, my shoulder surgery, my broken leg followed by knee surgery, my emotional roller coaster ...) and I have let it completely derail me.  I spent a little time this morning reading some of my old entries from the good old days, when I was filled with motivation and having lots of weight loss success.

It is my intention to get right back in that saddle.  I am still not 100% healed, mentally or physically, but I can't "baby" myself any longer.  I have a kettlebell competition in May that I intend to rock.  I joined a local TOPS group because I sincerely need to be held accountable in order to get this weight off, once and for all.  I intend to get back on the Clean Eating train ... just after the holidays.  I am keeping track of my food and exercise right now, but lets face it ... Christmas and New Years are not the time to start eating perfectly.  It's Christmas Eve ... I am going to be good, but I am also going to enjoy the season.  Within reason.

I also need to start writing again.  Writing here, writing my novel (which is coming along quite nicely actually), just writing in general.  So come the New Year, my resolution is to write for 2 hours every single day.  If I am on a tear on the book, then I won't blog, but if I am only mediocre or am in a rut, I will at least write here.  I intend to get back to that Wonder Woman mentality I had 2 years ago.

Picking myself up, brushing off the dirt and hitting the road again.  Stay tuned!

Enduring

It has been a rough year for me. Around this time last year, we learned that my Dad's brain tumor was not responding to chemo and radiation therapy. Shortly thereafter he entered hospice and finally, on August 9th, 2010, Dad was released from the agony of being trapped in a body that could not heal. As most of you know, who read me faithfully at that time, we had a little less than 4 months from the time of his diagnosis to the time of his death. That's just not enough time.

But life goes on and we still have responsibilities that must be addressed, needs which must be taken care of. A little less than a week after I returned from my Dad's funeral we were whisked off to sunny San Diego to celebrate my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary. Certainly not an appropriate place to mourn, but better to celebrate life and love and try to move on. Upon returning, Ian had football and school starting and we had lives in the real world to begin living again. Certainly not enough time to properly mourn, but better to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keeping going forward.

I think it bears mentioning here that I have had a "policy" in regards to sadness, mourning, depression, etc. since my first real heartbreak and bitter disappointment in my early 20's. I call it "One Minute of Woe". Whenever I felt something trying to pull me into a dark place I didn't want to go, I would allow myself exactly one minute to cry, weep, lament, despair, whatever I needed to do. However, when the one minute clock chimed, I had to be done and it was time to "move on". Most of the time, I got bored with my "woe" long before the full minute was up and would pull on that happier face, shove the despair as deep down inside as I could and forget about it. Or try to.

Most of the time, this policy worked very well for me. I became very adept at wiping my face clean of sadness and tear tracks and getting on with my life. The problem is, there has been a pile of hurt building up inside of me for 20 years and when it came time to stack the loss of my father on top of it, I found the well no longer had room and I simply could not close that door.

(Picture, as I do, a "man-hole" cover for the city sewage system.)

For twenty years I have been piling the crap down that hole, then locking the cover on tight. Last summer I learned that my sewage system had reached its maximum capacity and, try as I might, that lid simply would not seal. I would get it closed and start to walk away, only to get a whiff of that tell-tale smell and turn to find it loosened again and leaking all over. All of my "crap" was leaking out all over the place for everyone and anyone to see. I found that I could only be around people for a very short amount of time before my system would start to leak again and then I needed to get back in hiding. Heaven forbid anyone should see all my pain and misery, heartbreak and despair, leaking all over and stinking up the place. It was easier to hide.

Not dealing with my heartbreak started to leak into other areas of my life as well. I figured out early on that I "blamed" my husband for not going to the funeral with me. I also realized that I had told him not to come, it was better if he took care of our son (who we felt was not ready to attend a funeral) while I tried to help take care of my Mom. I had no right to blame him for not being there. But somewhere deep inside I had wished he had recognized that I really needed him to be there, and to ignore my words. Several fights later, when I realized what was stirring in the "crap" we were able to shovel that bit out and loosen a bit of the pressure.

In July of last year, sometime after the 4th, before I went out to MI to spend as much time with my Dad as possible, my trainer told me she thought I should find someone new to work with me, that she had taken me as far as she thought she could. She said that she felt I would benefit more from having someone nearby, who could get eyeballs on me and get me over the hump to the next level. That's what she SAID. What I heard was "you've been stuck at the same place for so long that I don't think you can do any better and I would rather work with people who have the ability to finish successfully, not those that stall and fail halfway through." That's what I HEARD. Unreasonable, right? But that's the truth of it. So I cried for a little while, we decided she would keep working with me until I found someone, and then I stuffed that hurt into my sewage system and covered it up. Every failure in my fitness plan from that point on just re-emphasized to me my inability to succeed at anything. And, I think it jeopardized every possibility of success I might have. There has been no success in my weight loss efforts since that point. Whether it is because I am mentally sabotaging myself, or because I am physically unable to deal with the emotional healing I need along with the physical, I don't know. In early June of this year I opted to quit training with her until I could find a way to be happy and successful.

NWB (non-weight-bearing) in a full leg brace and on crutches until at least August 24th. It seems, now, I having nothing but time to deal with all of the crap I have been hiding for the past 20 years.

Well, nothing but time for that and reading and playing games on the computer. I watch much of the world go by from my recliner in the family room.

Oddly enough, the one thing I can not wait to do when I get free from George, my friendly torture device (a.k.a. my leg brace) is RUN. I hate running, it is absolutely my least preferred cardio method. Now, I can't wait until I can run again. Funny, it took breaking my leg to appreciate what a gift it is to have freedom of movement.

I know that my family probably thinks I did not mourn my Dad properly. Heck, if I had seen myself at that funeral I probably would have thought I was a truly odd duck. The fact of the matter is, I DIDN'T mourn him properly. I didn't even know how to begin to mourn him. I remember a few things from that day. I remember lots of people I haven't seen in ages. I remember moving from room to room, outside to inside, person to person, trying not to stay with anyone too long because I couldn't let anyone see me too long, lest the crap started to leak. I remember feeling like I was going to jump out of my skin. I remember feeling like I didn't belong, that I was completely alone. I remember my Aunt Becky, who was my saving grace, whose wit and humor were the strength and fuel I needed to keep it together. I remember my niece, Brianna, crying softly behind me during the service, and how that almost did me in. I remember thinking the minister did NOT know my Dad. I remember my niece, Brittany, finding me silently screaming on the hidden side of a wall, where I was trying to pull it together within the "one-minute" allotment of time I could allow myself. I remember her arm around my shoulder was the most comforting thing I felt the whole week. I remember the body of my father, looking nothing like my Dad and not wanting to look at it, because that is not how I wanted to remember him. Sadly, that sight is the memory that still haunts me.

It's been nearly a year and it has taken a broken leg to make me stop moving in every direction around this heartbreak and force me to face it. I am starting to realize that I need to face more of these things I have been shoving down the man-hole. I am hoping that at the end of my 8-week forced rest I will be able to return to a life better than the one I was enduring before. I want to do more than endure. I want to thrive.

De·ter·mi·na·tion (it's a Decision.)

de·ter·mi·na·tion: [dih-tur-muh-ney-shuhn]
–noun

1. the act of coming to a decision or of fixing or settling a purpose.
2. ascertainment, as after observation or investigation.
3. the information ascertained; solution.
4. the settlement of a dispute, question, etc.
5. the decision or settlement arrived at or pronounced.
6. the quality of being resolute; firmness of purpose.
7. a fixed purpose or intention.
8. the fixing or settling of amount, limit, character, etc.
9. fixed direction or tendency toward some object or end.
10. Chiefly Law . conclusion or termination.

Have you ever sat and stared at a word long enough that you no longer understand what it means? Can no longer comprehend what its purpose for being in the human language is? Or maybe you have used a particular word or phrase ad nauseum, to the point where people attribute it to you, where your face flashes before their eyes every time they hear the word. I think for me that word is determination. Not necessarily that my face resides next to it in the dictionary ... but rather that I overuse it and completely abuse it. I also undermine it and reduce its power and influence.

I wake each morning filled with determination, absolutely determined that this day will transpire as I wish. Then as the day moves forward, that determination slips away like sand through the fingers. At night, as I lie in bed regurgitating the events of the day, I wonder why it was so easy for me to lose my determination, so easy for me to slip back into bad habits, or allow lesser choices to be made. I wonder why my determination has failed me. As if the word itself is the reason for my failure.

This morning, in the face of the letter "D", I decided to look up that word and see how the experts define it. After all, the more I thought about the word, the more I used it, the less meaning it had for me. Reviewing the actual definition helped me to remember that being determined is being decisive. It is making a decision, over and over again, that I will stick to a plan, no matter what road blocks get thrown in my path.

Determined people aren't blessed with a superhuman over-abundance of self-control. They have just made a decision and stuck to it, no matter what. Scientists are determined to prove their theories and try repeatedly, from different angles, until they reach their desired outcome. Successful sales people find creative ways to turn a no into a happy yes. Star athletes challenge themselves every day to go beyond the physical limitations of the day before. They all decide what they want the outcome to be and work relentlessly until they reach that goal, even if it means changing direction on the path a few times to get there.

I need to make a decision, stick with it, and reach my goals. I need to make that decision every single day, over and over each moment to ensure success. Remembering this when things get rocky (or when someone waves a warm brownie under my nose, or some new body part starts to ache, etc.) is the hard part. My "fixed purpose of intention" is to walk the very narrow path each and every day and live a determined life, decisively focused on my goal.

I am determined.

Carbolicious Carby-Carb Fantastic Carbohydrates

Donuts. Pies. Cookies. Cakes. Bread. (Let me add, fresh baked, white, white, white yummy, yummy bread.) Candy. Pasta. White Rice. Jam. Soda.

There's more, of course. You can pretty much go down the center food aisles at your local supermarket and find enough carbs to fulfill any food fantasy. And let's face it, they taste good. The more awful they are for you, the more delectable they are. There are times when I would gladly trade my car for a warm, fresh donut and a glass of apple cider. Luckily for my winter commute, no one has taken me up on it. Yet.

Here's the thing, though. Carbs have gotten a really bad rep over the past several years. And not just the truly bad ones (as mentioned above) are reeling from the assault. Popular diets have dismissed even some of the most nourishing and healthy foods available to us today. Fruits, nuts, seeds, whole grains, legumes and, yes, even vegetables can fall under the header of the evil carbohydrate. There are many fantastic lists available. One of my favorites is http://commonsensehealth.com/Diet-and-Nutrition/List_of_Carbohydrate_Foods_with_Good_Carbs_Grams.shtml.

It's also important to understand why we actually need carbohydrates. You would think, after the character assault they've received in recent years, that they hold no other function than to keep us fat. However, in the words of McKinley Health Center:

* Carbohydrates are the body’s main source of fuel.
* Carbohydrates are easily used by the body for energy.
* All of the tissues and cells in our body can use glucose for energy.
* Carbohydrates are needed for the central nervous system, the kidneys, the brain, the muscles (including the heart) to function properly.
* Carbohydrates can be stored in the muscles and liver and later used for energy.
* Carbohydrates are important in intestinal health and waste elimination.

Healthy Carbohydrates have a really important job! How dare we bulk together the workhorses with the lazy mules and call them all useless? Healthy carbohydrates taste just as good as the unhealthy, often even better. Give me a steaming cup of steel cut oats with a dash of cinnamon and some diced up apple over a bowl of Frosted Flakes any day of the week.

It just requires a bit more research and planning. Know what the best options are, make sure they are what you have available first and what you eat primarily. Don't blindly accept the word of the next most popular diet guru without spending a significant amount of time studying up on the facts yourself.

Then, go forth and enjoy those carbolicious, carby-carb fantastic carbohydrates. Just make sure they are the right kind!

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. ~Jim Davis~

Blame it on ...

I have an incredibly busy schedule. I didn't have a lot of time, so I had to grab something quick at the drive-thru. My husband always brings home my favorite wine. My friends wanted to go out. The workouts take too long. I haven't been feeling 100%. My kid's school ... my job ... my family ... my life ...the doctor ... the lady who insulted me ...

Where does it end?

There are an infinite number of excuses for not doing the things we know we need to do. I am full of them. And I hate them. If there is a pet peeve that sits at number one on my list, it is the making of excuses. I even have a favorite saying that directly relates to them:

An Excuse is a Justification for a LOWER STANDARD.

Yet ... I still make them. I wasted away months of great work after a very difficult summer. Yes, my Dad died and I deserved the time off, mentally, to mourn. However, when did that become an excuse for giving up on myself? I have physical ailments due to chronic misuse of my body. And the fact that I am getting old. But should I allow this to stop me from achieving the goals I have set for myself?

It's time to stop shifting the blame, even if I am only doing it in my head. It's time to own it and deal with it. It's time to get back on the wagon, not just going through the motions, but putting my heart and soul back into reaching my goals. It's time to lose those subpar standards and reach beyond my wildest dreams.

A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else. ~John Burroughs~

Attitude Adjustment

Happiness comes from... some curious adjustment to life. ~Hugh Walpole~

What's your goal? What makes you get up each morning and forge a path through a brand new day? Where would you like to see your life a year from today? How about 10 years? Or more ... ?

I struggle with the answers to those questions. I loathe failure and the best way to avoid it is to also avoid setting goals. As for the forging that path ... I have often described myself as a marble in a pinball machine. I fly around reacting to all the situations happening in my life. I bounce off this obstacle, hurling to the next, then ricocheting in a brand new direction, over and over until eventually the ball just falls and its time to pull back the spring and take another go at the game.

I'm tired of being a pinball wizard. I am exhausted from reacting to my life, rather than owning it, controlling it. It is time for a "curious adjustment" to my life. I don't have the answers to those questions I asked above, but I intend to meditate on them and come up with some.

I love being a wife and mother. I live a wonderful and privileged life, and for that I am so very grateful. I am able to enjoy activities that fulfill me. Why then, do I so often struggle with happiness? Possibly the thing which lacking is my attitude. In order for me to find answers, in order to set goals and reach them successfully, I need to adjust my attitude.

April has brought so much good already in just 3 short days. The weather has warmed, the flowers are starting to bloom, the new competition kettlebell class has begun ... It's a great time to make the necessary adjustments.

I've even successfully begun a new challenge. The 10k Swings in 30 Days challenge has commenced winningly. I've managed 450 swings on each of the past 3 days. 1350 down ... 8650 to go. My hands are sore, my shoulders and back are tired ... but I feel strong and capable. I am excited to add new activity into my day and curious to see what changes it will bring to my training and physique.

Wouldn't it be nice if it made a (lowered) adjustment to the scale, as well?

"Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for that determines our success or failure." ~Norman Vincent Peale~

Borrowing the Alphabet (blog)

In an effort to generate more creativity in my writing, I have decided to borrow an idea from a friend of mine. I am going to blog the alphabet for the next few entries ... the next 26 entries, actually. Dave is a minister, therapist, college professor ... so I don't dare compare my writing to his in depth and meaningfulness. However, his idea was brilliant and therefore, steal-worthy. Hopefully, he will be honored that I am choosing to imitate his endeavor.

By choosing a topic based upon whichever letter comes next, I will have a good jumping off point for each day. Of course, my blogs will still be all about fitness, nutrition and struggling to maintain a lifestyle between the two. I recently began a new food rotation and it seems to be working well. I also committed to weighing myself only once per month. (Quite a challenge for me, but liberating at the same time!)

And today I began my 10,000 Swings in 30 Days Kettlebell challenge. In order to accomplish this goal by the end of April, I will need to swing that bell at least 333 times a day. In truth, I need to swing it more like 450x as often as I can in case there are days in which I can't accomplish the goal. (Lots of things get in the way of workouts, right? Scheduling, sickness, family obligation ... need to be prepared.) I just finished 450 swings with my 14kg. Sweat dripping down my back, shoulders tired, the last 50 took a lot of effort ... but I ground 'em out. Now only 29 days to go!

Spring is in the air, new challenges and goals abound. I am looking forward to experiencing creative thoughts again. It seems like it has been an exceptionally long time. Letter "A" tomorrow ...

"And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." ~Sylvia Plath~

Just Say No

It seems such a simple concept, saying "no". It's a small little word, only 2 letters and one syllable. It is also one of the most powerful words in our vocabulary. In fact, so powerful that 9 times out of 10, it is the first word we learn to speak. NO, I don't want to do that. NO, I don't want to go there. NO, I don't want to go to bed. NO, I don't want to eat that brussel sprout/broccoli/cauliflower/whatever.

NO, I don't want any dessert. (Thank you.)

NO, I can't skip my gym workout. NO, I can't even skip the 2nd workout of the day.

NO, I'm not going to eat more than 1 serving.

NO, I don't want that glass of wine. (Yes, I do. No, NO ... I don't!)

Sometimes NO feels like the heaviest, most dreaded word in the English language. Practically impossible to use. Especially in the face of, say, a perfectly made Tiramasu. Or when a loving husband comes home with a bottle of the absolute best Spanish Granache ever bottled anywhere. Ever.

It is quite easy for me to say no to spending money. (Especially when it is not to be spent on me, ha!) It is simple to deny my son access to McDonald's. But put in front of me one of those things I adore (tiramasu, granache ...) and the denial leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

I haven't had to struggle with it today. It was just something that popped into my head as I drove to The Vitamin Shoppe for some Protein Powder after boxing this morning. I need to remaster the art of saying NO to myself. For the past 4 days, I have done quite well. But then, there have been no real temptations placed in my path. The weekend is upon me, and I am sure those temptations will rear their ugly head. The rest is up to me.

Just. Say. NO!

Breakfast
4 egg whites, cooked hard then eaten on an Arnold Whole Wheat Sandwich Thin
2 cups black coffee

MM Snack
1/2 c. No-Sugar-Added canned peaches with 1/2 c. 1% Cottage Cheese

Lunch
Leftover Chicken Soup from last night's supper (about 1.5 c.)

MA Snack
1/4 c. mixed unsweetened dehydrated banana chip, sesame sticks, slivered raw almonds

Supper
4-oz. grilled chicken, mixed veggie salad with 1 tbsp balsamic vinegar, 1/2 baked potato with spray butter

Tethered by Solid Resolve

I have put together some really good days since returning from the Arnold Sports Expo. My food has been clean and nutritious. My workouts have been tough and effective. I am sincerely looking at this journey as one day at a time. I only have a few short weeks left until my Kettlebell Expo competition. I feel like I lost 2 weeks of training due to the FL trip and the subsequent injury. Wanting to bring my best game when the competition arrives, I am trying to carefully make up for lost time, keeping the health of my back in mind with every movement. I spend a LOT of time stretching right now, in the hopes that will keep me loose and limber and ready to work.

Right now, I am quietly motivated. I don't feel the need to shout from any rooftops that I am staying on track and am focused. I guess after so many months of feeling cut off, afloat, I just want to enjoy the security of routine, tethered by solid resolve. For those who are used to me pulling out the old soap box whenever I find a little motivation, that isn't happening this time around. I know what needs to be done, it's time to just do it. Nobody wants to hear you talk about it ... they want to see you perform.

So watch me fly.

Breakfast
1 svg. oatmeal with 1 tbsp. ground flax, 1 tbsp. wheat germ, 1 tsp. sucanat, 2 cups black coffee

MM Snack
1/2 c. cottage cheese, 10 green grapes

Lunch
Salad with grilled chicken, tomato, 1 boiled egg, red bell pepper, onion, cucumber, about a tbsp. bleu cheese and very little (maybe, maybe 2 tsp.) italian dressing

MA Snack
Protein powder mixed with water

Supper
Homemade chicken soup with zucchini, carrots, onion, tomato, and just a little (1 cup for the whole pot, which will make 8 servings) whole wheat pasta in homemade veggie stock, 1 small whole wheat roll, dry

Win, Win, Win!!

My cycling (Spinning, but Reebok has the copyright on that name, so we have to call it cycling) instructor, Emily, is a wonderful motivator. She obviously spends a lot of time coming up with new "rides", themed song lists and throws out challenges throughout the class. Today she asked us to think of that one person who "always beats you, no matter how hard you work." The person who gets the raise you wanted, the person who accomplishes easily the goal you struggle with ... THAT person, you know who it is.

After we raced that person (and beat them ... this is a mind trip, after all ... you actually get to beat your nemesis on your own mind trip!), she challenged us to think of someone new. Someone you had fought with recently. We were to think of beating them next. I found this task more difficult. I don't usually want to beat, competitively, the people I argue with. I don't usually want to beat them physically, either, but that's a different type of challenge. But it did make me start thinking. Why is it motivating to compete with other people?

For some of us, I am sure competition makes no difference whatsoever. My husband, for example, feels no need to compete with anyone other than himself. He is so self disciplined, so self-assured that he doesn't need any outside influence to make him work his hardest. In this particular area, we are complete opposites. I LOVE competing. I HATE being non-competitive. Meaning, there are so many areas in my life that I truly wish I had the talent, physicality, ability in which to compete, but am held back for various reasons.

I would love to be a real runner. I love the idea of running ... I just hate how it makes me feel. And how it breaks down my body. I would love to get in a boxing ring and actually be good at it. I would love to do any number of physical things, but I have a body with continuous joint issues. Let's face it, I am nearly 42 and it isn't going to get better. Still, I need to have something or someone to compete with to keep me interested and involved.

I look around the cycling class and try to find someone to beat. My legs must pump harder than his, my sprints need to be faster than hers. I do it in Kettlebell as well, but after I time, I find myself going into my head and competing more with my own body in that particular sport. In cycling, I have no idea if that days competition is using more or less tension than I am, but still I feel victorious if I perceive it as a win.

It's all about perception isn't it? How we perceive ourselves, our wins, our failures, how other perceive us, and ultimately respond to us. Changing that perception to positive in as many ways as we can, results in a win. Right now I am trying to change my perception of my body. Sure, I am not as thin or fit as so and so ... but, by golly, I am stronger. I am not at my goal, but boy have I made serious strides in the face of horrible odds over the past year. Now I just need to convince my spirit that these are wins.

“The spirit, the will to win, and the will to excel are the things that endure. These qualities are so much more important than the events that occur.” ~Vince Lombardi~

Breakfast
4 egg whites on a whole wheat english muffin, 3 cups coffee, black

MM Snack
1/2 c. 1% cottage cheese, 1/2 c. mandarin oranges

Lunch
4-oz grilled chicken doused in buffalo sauce on lettuce with tomato, quartered, and cucumber slices

MA Snack
Protein powder mixed with water

Supper
4-oz grilled tuna with 1/4 c diced tomato, onion & garlic, 1/2 c. green beans, 8 steamed brussel sprouts

The Result of Interruption

It seems that writing every day, blogging my food intake every day, for a grand total of 30 days is made much more difficult when there are 2 fairly long driving trips thrown into the mix. Florida was a halt and start. Columbus seems to have been another. Although it needs to be mentioned that I was VERY good on this particular trip. However, I didn't turn my computer on once from Friday afternoon until this morning. That makes blogging a bit difficult.

I am not going to bore you further with my meals. I accomplished what I wanted to with this particular challenge, at least, I accomplished my main objective. I have gotten into the habit of tracking my food intake again. I am much more aware of every bite, good and bad, that enters my mouth. A Starbucks Venti Cinnamon Dolce Skinny Latte is still 160 calories, no matter how nice "Skinny" may sound. French fries might start off as a vegetable (of sorts), but potatoes are rendered useless when frenched and fried. Not as if I didn't know that ... but it is the most convenient side dish when eating whilst driving.

Seeing all the uber-fit ladies at the Arnold really made me want to get back in the game. Working out with Maureen in person really made me more excited about jumping on the fitness wagon. Cardio is not an evil thing and I am no longer going to say I hate it. Instead, I am going to insist that I LOVE it until it is true. I will get my cardio in 6 days per week, no matter what. And no, I am not going to count my KB workouts as cardio, but on those days I will reduce my minutes from 45 to 30.

I am still going to track my food. But if I miss a day writing it here, I won't stress as much. However, I will post it with every blog, and I hope to become more consistent in the blogging.

Oh yeah ... and Monica Brant is just as sweet, kind, and beautiful in person as she appears to be in her interviews. Tosca Reno is wonderfully inspiring. And Vanda Hadarean is kindness personified. Alicia Marie? Gorgeous! Don't know who any of those people are? Check 'em out! Some of the best there is in the fitness model world ... and I saw them live and in person at the Arnold Sports Expo this weekend. Can't wait to go again next year ... and to look much better standing next to them in my pics.

Breakfast
4 egg whites, one whole wheat english muffin, 3 cups black coffee

MM Snack
1/2 c. 1% cottage cheese, 1/2 c. sugar free mandarin oranges

Lunch
4-oz. Grilled chicken, doused with buffalo wing hot sauce, on lettuce with tomato

MA Snack
1 oz craisins, 1 oz raw almonds

Supper
4-oz baked chicken breast, 1 cup steamed broccoli, 1-oz. walnuts

Later ....
Cup of decaf herbal mint tea

Day 22 Mending

Today was a pretty good day. My back is significantly better, although I am still being careful. I get to hop in a car and drive to the Arnold's in Columbus, OH tomorrow. I am not thrilled with the prospect of driving again and what that might mean for my back. But, Ohhhhh, will it be worth it!

I have always dreamed of attending the great Arnold Sports Festival. People I have admired from afar will be up close and personal. You have all heard me write about my *girl-crush* on Monica Brant. I have just admired her so much for her work ethic, her faith, her incredible physique, her generous spirit ... pretty much everything about her. I will have several chances to meet her. I hope I don't cry. LOL

I am looking forward to seeing thousands of people to be inspired by. Motivation comes from within, but inspiration can fuel that fire. There should be lots of walking, talking, fire-breathing inspiration in the Columbus Convention Center this weekend.

Yay!!

Breakfast
Orange, 1 oz. walnuts

Mid-Morning Snack
Protein shake made with 8-oz. skim milk

Lunch
Lettuce salad with bell pepper, onion, tomato, grilled chicken and balsamic vinegar

Mid-Afternoon Snack
1/2 cup Mandarin Oranges, 1/2 c. 1% cottage cheese

Supper
1 svg. bison chili (leftover)

Day 21 *Sigh*

STILL dealing with a weak and aching back. Ditto on the left shoulder. I have boxing/KB with Coach Dom tomorrow ... I hope I can make it worth his time. I'm still keeping my workouts very light. Just elliptical, little resistance and light weights, when I do them. Did a few squats and calf raises today ... just for something in the lower body region.

I took two vicodin before bed last night and this morning was still exhausted. After I put Ian on the bus, early for chorus practice, I decided to lay back down. At 10:30(!!!) I woke again. Less tired, lol, but very behind schedule. Therefore, I skipped breakfast and my morning snack. Just putting that out there before I type out the food of the day.

Lunch
Turkey on whole wheat with lettuce, tomato & onion

Snack
Orange
1 0z walnuts

Supper
Bison chili, 1.5 cups

Lots of water ... surprisingly, no coffee.

Day 20 Still on Light Duty

Still protecting this back. Light exercise, elliptical, lighter arm work ... feels like I am a woose. I was supposed to start the "10,000 swings in 30 days" challenge today (March 1st) ... but apparently I need to wait a bit longer.

Tried to keep my food light with the decrease in activity. Looks like I am going to the Arnold's as pudgy as I can be. Hopefully the cool camera will make me look like "Press". Maybe I can swipe a badge ... ?

Breakfast
1 svg oatmeal with dried berries (2 T.), 1 T. each flax seed and wheat germ
coffee, black, 2 c.

Mid-Morning Snack
Orange
100 cal pack of almonds

Lunch
Salad made with lettuce, grape tomatoes, onion, cucumber and 3 oz chicken breast. Sprinkled with balsamic vinegar

Mid-Afternoon SnackChocolate protein shake with water

Supper
4 oz baked chicken breast, 1 c. steamed broccoli, 1/2 c. brown rice
water, water, water

Day 19 "Tales from an Armchair"

Remember yesterday's lament about my body failing me, repeatedly? Today was worse. No, really. It started out better, a little. Still in pain, but somewhat less. Still moving slowly, but at least able to do so. Then I sneezed.

Oh, yeah. That nearly sent me to the hospital. Picture this:

Chicken browning in a pan on the stove to my right. Dishwasher opened to my left. My back to the sink. One large sneeze and suddenly I can no longer support my body with my legs. I am holding myself up by my arms, slightly behind me, on the sink, completely unable to move one direction or the other, tears streaming down my face. Can't turn the stove off because I can't remove one of the arms keeping my body from crumbling to the floor. Can't reach the phone to call for help because I can't get past the open dishwasher. Arms are starting to shake .. and ...

Come on! This is freakin' ridiculous! Really, God? I am going to die by burning down my house while browning chicken when my 41 year old back goes out? Really? Give a girl a break already!

I eventually got myself turned around and after some time was able to turn off the stove and drag my legs to a chair in the kitchen. After some time there, I was able to get to the medicine cabinet containing my leftover Vicodin (rotator cuff surgery a year ago). I eventually finished putting together the Chicken Cacciatore and made my way to my favorite armchair where I have spent the better part of this day. Oh yeah, I made sure I had my phone on me from the "incident" on, as well.

My husband thinks I need one of this "Help me! I've fallen and I can't get up~!!" buttons.

Yeah. He's a really funny guy.

The vicodin has helped immensely. Luckily, I used very little after my surgery. Nice for me that I have plenty for this little back problem. I am hoping that the back will continue to improve with rest, ice, heat and light stretching. It ticks me off that I can't get back to my training for KB ... but I am trying to be smart. I'd rather take this time and heal, than have to be laid up for months because I failed to listen to the really loud warning screams my body is emitting.

Ok ... here's what I ate today:

Breakfast
2 egg whites, 1 50 cal cheese brick, 1 whole wheat english muffin
2 cups black coffee

Mid-morning snack
1 slice whole wheat toast, spray butter
1 orange

Lunch
1 svg Lentil Soup

Mid-afternoon snack
Chocolate protein bar (perrillo)

Supper
3/4 cup low carb rotini
4 oz chicken breast with about a cup of cacciatore (eggplant, zucchini, italian peppers, onion, tomato, garlic and various italian seasonings)