Avoidance ... or Separation?

So, yesterday when my husband, son and I were leaving the YMCA after Ian's swim lessons, we ran into a friend of mine who works there. He commented that he never sees us in there ... and well, he's right! Chris works out as soon as the Y opens and I have been ... M.I.A.! Then he commented that he was reading my blog and I am very excited about that as he is someone who can help keep me accountable.

But, see ... I have not yet told my husband that I am doing this and he looked a little confused, but never asked. It was late and we were running out to get Ian in bed on time, so it was forgotten. Or at least, it was forgotten (I think) by him. I lay awake last night wondering why it is that I have not shared this particular life decision with the love of my life.

Is it avoidance? In other words, am I trying to delay telling him because I am afraid I might fail? Chris has seen me through so many ups and downs with my fitness and he never been anything other than incredibly supportive. But, when someone has watched you stop and start so many times, it makes you feel a little ... well, lame ... to start again. Chris is one of the most physically fit people I have ever met. He began working out at age 14 and has not stopped in 38 years. His dedication is staggering. It's hard to be in that shadow all the time, no matter how supportive it is.

Or is it separation? By this I mean, am I separating my intent, my motivation from any attempt to please someone other than myself? I am not doing this to make Chris proud of me. I am not doing this because I care very much what anyone thinks of me. My decision to do this is based entirely upon my desire to feel good about myself and to be content within my own skin. I care what other people think, but my self worth is no longer wrapped up in it. Ultimately, I only need to please God and to be content with what He has given me.


This is a rather new place for me, as I am a life long people pleaser. I want everyone to like and accept me. It's only been in the last 5 years that I have learned how to say "No" and that was solely due to necessity. In my "old age", I have learnt to care a bit less about the opinions of others and to stand by my own convictions. I am much more free in voicing those opinions and convictions as well (ask anyone who knows me where I stand in politics and they can probably tell you!). However, when it comes to my appearance, there is a sad little girl inside of me that is still hoping that you will think I am pretty and that you will like me and want to be my friend. She's been cowering for a while now, hiding her face so as not to notice her reflection in the mirrors of people's eyes. I'm spending quite a bit of time coaxing her away from the corner, willing her to stand up tall and do the things she needs to do to be proud of herself, whether or not there are any cheerleaders along the way. Whether or not anyone else thinks she is pretty or friendship-worthy.

And I will tell my husband about my plans. I promise.