Enduring

It has been a rough year for me. Around this time last year, we learned that my Dad's brain tumor was not responding to chemo and radiation therapy. Shortly thereafter he entered hospice and finally, on August 9th, 2010, Dad was released from the agony of being trapped in a body that could not heal. As most of you know, who read me faithfully at that time, we had a little less than 4 months from the time of his diagnosis to the time of his death. That's just not enough time.

But life goes on and we still have responsibilities that must be addressed, needs which must be taken care of. A little less than a week after I returned from my Dad's funeral we were whisked off to sunny San Diego to celebrate my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary. Certainly not an appropriate place to mourn, but better to celebrate life and love and try to move on. Upon returning, Ian had football and school starting and we had lives in the real world to begin living again. Certainly not enough time to properly mourn, but better to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keeping going forward.

I think it bears mentioning here that I have had a "policy" in regards to sadness, mourning, depression, etc. since my first real heartbreak and bitter disappointment in my early 20's. I call it "One Minute of Woe". Whenever I felt something trying to pull me into a dark place I didn't want to go, I would allow myself exactly one minute to cry, weep, lament, despair, whatever I needed to do. However, when the one minute clock chimed, I had to be done and it was time to "move on". Most of the time, I got bored with my "woe" long before the full minute was up and would pull on that happier face, shove the despair as deep down inside as I could and forget about it. Or try to.

Most of the time, this policy worked very well for me. I became very adept at wiping my face clean of sadness and tear tracks and getting on with my life. The problem is, there has been a pile of hurt building up inside of me for 20 years and when it came time to stack the loss of my father on top of it, I found the well no longer had room and I simply could not close that door.

(Picture, as I do, a "man-hole" cover for the city sewage system.)

For twenty years I have been piling the crap down that hole, then locking the cover on tight. Last summer I learned that my sewage system had reached its maximum capacity and, try as I might, that lid simply would not seal. I would get it closed and start to walk away, only to get a whiff of that tell-tale smell and turn to find it loosened again and leaking all over. All of my "crap" was leaking out all over the place for everyone and anyone to see. I found that I could only be around people for a very short amount of time before my system would start to leak again and then I needed to get back in hiding. Heaven forbid anyone should see all my pain and misery, heartbreak and despair, leaking all over and stinking up the place. It was easier to hide.

Not dealing with my heartbreak started to leak into other areas of my life as well. I figured out early on that I "blamed" my husband for not going to the funeral with me. I also realized that I had told him not to come, it was better if he took care of our son (who we felt was not ready to attend a funeral) while I tried to help take care of my Mom. I had no right to blame him for not being there. But somewhere deep inside I had wished he had recognized that I really needed him to be there, and to ignore my words. Several fights later, when I realized what was stirring in the "crap" we were able to shovel that bit out and loosen a bit of the pressure.

In July of last year, sometime after the 4th, before I went out to MI to spend as much time with my Dad as possible, my trainer told me she thought I should find someone new to work with me, that she had taken me as far as she thought she could. She said that she felt I would benefit more from having someone nearby, who could get eyeballs on me and get me over the hump to the next level. That's what she SAID. What I heard was "you've been stuck at the same place for so long that I don't think you can do any better and I would rather work with people who have the ability to finish successfully, not those that stall and fail halfway through." That's what I HEARD. Unreasonable, right? But that's the truth of it. So I cried for a little while, we decided she would keep working with me until I found someone, and then I stuffed that hurt into my sewage system and covered it up. Every failure in my fitness plan from that point on just re-emphasized to me my inability to succeed at anything. And, I think it jeopardized every possibility of success I might have. There has been no success in my weight loss efforts since that point. Whether it is because I am mentally sabotaging myself, or because I am physically unable to deal with the emotional healing I need along with the physical, I don't know. In early June of this year I opted to quit training with her until I could find a way to be happy and successful.

NWB (non-weight-bearing) in a full leg brace and on crutches until at least August 24th. It seems, now, I having nothing but time to deal with all of the crap I have been hiding for the past 20 years.

Well, nothing but time for that and reading and playing games on the computer. I watch much of the world go by from my recliner in the family room.

Oddly enough, the one thing I can not wait to do when I get free from George, my friendly torture device (a.k.a. my leg brace) is RUN. I hate running, it is absolutely my least preferred cardio method. Now, I can't wait until I can run again. Funny, it took breaking my leg to appreciate what a gift it is to have freedom of movement.

I know that my family probably thinks I did not mourn my Dad properly. Heck, if I had seen myself at that funeral I probably would have thought I was a truly odd duck. The fact of the matter is, I DIDN'T mourn him properly. I didn't even know how to begin to mourn him. I remember a few things from that day. I remember lots of people I haven't seen in ages. I remember moving from room to room, outside to inside, person to person, trying not to stay with anyone too long because I couldn't let anyone see me too long, lest the crap started to leak. I remember feeling like I was going to jump out of my skin. I remember feeling like I didn't belong, that I was completely alone. I remember my Aunt Becky, who was my saving grace, whose wit and humor were the strength and fuel I needed to keep it together. I remember my niece, Brianna, crying softly behind me during the service, and how that almost did me in. I remember thinking the minister did NOT know my Dad. I remember my niece, Brittany, finding me silently screaming on the hidden side of a wall, where I was trying to pull it together within the "one-minute" allotment of time I could allow myself. I remember her arm around my shoulder was the most comforting thing I felt the whole week. I remember the body of my father, looking nothing like my Dad and not wanting to look at it, because that is not how I wanted to remember him. Sadly, that sight is the memory that still haunts me.

It's been nearly a year and it has taken a broken leg to make me stop moving in every direction around this heartbreak and force me to face it. I am starting to realize that I need to face more of these things I have been shoving down the man-hole. I am hoping that at the end of my 8-week forced rest I will be able to return to a life better than the one I was enduring before. I want to do more than endure. I want to thrive.

De·ter·mi·na·tion (it's a Decision.)

de·ter·mi·na·tion: [dih-tur-muh-ney-shuhn]
–noun

1. the act of coming to a decision or of fixing or settling a purpose.
2. ascertainment, as after observation or investigation.
3. the information ascertained; solution.
4. the settlement of a dispute, question, etc.
5. the decision or settlement arrived at or pronounced.
6. the quality of being resolute; firmness of purpose.
7. a fixed purpose or intention.
8. the fixing or settling of amount, limit, character, etc.
9. fixed direction or tendency toward some object or end.
10. Chiefly Law . conclusion or termination.

Have you ever sat and stared at a word long enough that you no longer understand what it means? Can no longer comprehend what its purpose for being in the human language is? Or maybe you have used a particular word or phrase ad nauseum, to the point where people attribute it to you, where your face flashes before their eyes every time they hear the word. I think for me that word is determination. Not necessarily that my face resides next to it in the dictionary ... but rather that I overuse it and completely abuse it. I also undermine it and reduce its power and influence.

I wake each morning filled with determination, absolutely determined that this day will transpire as I wish. Then as the day moves forward, that determination slips away like sand through the fingers. At night, as I lie in bed regurgitating the events of the day, I wonder why it was so easy for me to lose my determination, so easy for me to slip back into bad habits, or allow lesser choices to be made. I wonder why my determination has failed me. As if the word itself is the reason for my failure.

This morning, in the face of the letter "D", I decided to look up that word and see how the experts define it. After all, the more I thought about the word, the more I used it, the less meaning it had for me. Reviewing the actual definition helped me to remember that being determined is being decisive. It is making a decision, over and over again, that I will stick to a plan, no matter what road blocks get thrown in my path.

Determined people aren't blessed with a superhuman over-abundance of self-control. They have just made a decision and stuck to it, no matter what. Scientists are determined to prove their theories and try repeatedly, from different angles, until they reach their desired outcome. Successful sales people find creative ways to turn a no into a happy yes. Star athletes challenge themselves every day to go beyond the physical limitations of the day before. They all decide what they want the outcome to be and work relentlessly until they reach that goal, even if it means changing direction on the path a few times to get there.

I need to make a decision, stick with it, and reach my goals. I need to make that decision every single day, over and over each moment to ensure success. Remembering this when things get rocky (or when someone waves a warm brownie under my nose, or some new body part starts to ache, etc.) is the hard part. My "fixed purpose of intention" is to walk the very narrow path each and every day and live a determined life, decisively focused on my goal.

I am determined.

Carbolicious Carby-Carb Fantastic Carbohydrates

Donuts. Pies. Cookies. Cakes. Bread. (Let me add, fresh baked, white, white, white yummy, yummy bread.) Candy. Pasta. White Rice. Jam. Soda.

There's more, of course. You can pretty much go down the center food aisles at your local supermarket and find enough carbs to fulfill any food fantasy. And let's face it, they taste good. The more awful they are for you, the more delectable they are. There are times when I would gladly trade my car for a warm, fresh donut and a glass of apple cider. Luckily for my winter commute, no one has taken me up on it. Yet.

Here's the thing, though. Carbs have gotten a really bad rep over the past several years. And not just the truly bad ones (as mentioned above) are reeling from the assault. Popular diets have dismissed even some of the most nourishing and healthy foods available to us today. Fruits, nuts, seeds, whole grains, legumes and, yes, even vegetables can fall under the header of the evil carbohydrate. There are many fantastic lists available. One of my favorites is http://commonsensehealth.com/Diet-and-Nutrition/List_of_Carbohydrate_Foods_with_Good_Carbs_Grams.shtml.

It's also important to understand why we actually need carbohydrates. You would think, after the character assault they've received in recent years, that they hold no other function than to keep us fat. However, in the words of McKinley Health Center:

* Carbohydrates are the body’s main source of fuel.
* Carbohydrates are easily used by the body for energy.
* All of the tissues and cells in our body can use glucose for energy.
* Carbohydrates are needed for the central nervous system, the kidneys, the brain, the muscles (including the heart) to function properly.
* Carbohydrates can be stored in the muscles and liver and later used for energy.
* Carbohydrates are important in intestinal health and waste elimination.

Healthy Carbohydrates have a really important job! How dare we bulk together the workhorses with the lazy mules and call them all useless? Healthy carbohydrates taste just as good as the unhealthy, often even better. Give me a steaming cup of steel cut oats with a dash of cinnamon and some diced up apple over a bowl of Frosted Flakes any day of the week.

It just requires a bit more research and planning. Know what the best options are, make sure they are what you have available first and what you eat primarily. Don't blindly accept the word of the next most popular diet guru without spending a significant amount of time studying up on the facts yourself.

Then, go forth and enjoy those carbolicious, carby-carb fantastic carbohydrates. Just make sure they are the right kind!

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. ~Jim Davis~

Blame it on ...

I have an incredibly busy schedule. I didn't have a lot of time, so I had to grab something quick at the drive-thru. My husband always brings home my favorite wine. My friends wanted to go out. The workouts take too long. I haven't been feeling 100%. My kid's school ... my job ... my family ... my life ...the doctor ... the lady who insulted me ...

Where does it end?

There are an infinite number of excuses for not doing the things we know we need to do. I am full of them. And I hate them. If there is a pet peeve that sits at number one on my list, it is the making of excuses. I even have a favorite saying that directly relates to them:

An Excuse is a Justification for a LOWER STANDARD.

Yet ... I still make them. I wasted away months of great work after a very difficult summer. Yes, my Dad died and I deserved the time off, mentally, to mourn. However, when did that become an excuse for giving up on myself? I have physical ailments due to chronic misuse of my body. And the fact that I am getting old. But should I allow this to stop me from achieving the goals I have set for myself?

It's time to stop shifting the blame, even if I am only doing it in my head. It's time to own it and deal with it. It's time to get back on the wagon, not just going through the motions, but putting my heart and soul back into reaching my goals. It's time to lose those subpar standards and reach beyond my wildest dreams.

A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else. ~John Burroughs~

Attitude Adjustment

Happiness comes from... some curious adjustment to life. ~Hugh Walpole~

What's your goal? What makes you get up each morning and forge a path through a brand new day? Where would you like to see your life a year from today? How about 10 years? Or more ... ?

I struggle with the answers to those questions. I loathe failure and the best way to avoid it is to also avoid setting goals. As for the forging that path ... I have often described myself as a marble in a pinball machine. I fly around reacting to all the situations happening in my life. I bounce off this obstacle, hurling to the next, then ricocheting in a brand new direction, over and over until eventually the ball just falls and its time to pull back the spring and take another go at the game.

I'm tired of being a pinball wizard. I am exhausted from reacting to my life, rather than owning it, controlling it. It is time for a "curious adjustment" to my life. I don't have the answers to those questions I asked above, but I intend to meditate on them and come up with some.

I love being a wife and mother. I live a wonderful and privileged life, and for that I am so very grateful. I am able to enjoy activities that fulfill me. Why then, do I so often struggle with happiness? Possibly the thing which lacking is my attitude. In order for me to find answers, in order to set goals and reach them successfully, I need to adjust my attitude.

April has brought so much good already in just 3 short days. The weather has warmed, the flowers are starting to bloom, the new competition kettlebell class has begun ... It's a great time to make the necessary adjustments.

I've even successfully begun a new challenge. The 10k Swings in 30 Days challenge has commenced winningly. I've managed 450 swings on each of the past 3 days. 1350 down ... 8650 to go. My hands are sore, my shoulders and back are tired ... but I feel strong and capable. I am excited to add new activity into my day and curious to see what changes it will bring to my training and physique.

Wouldn't it be nice if it made a (lowered) adjustment to the scale, as well?

"Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for that determines our success or failure." ~Norman Vincent Peale~

Borrowing the Alphabet (blog)

In an effort to generate more creativity in my writing, I have decided to borrow an idea from a friend of mine. I am going to blog the alphabet for the next few entries ... the next 26 entries, actually. Dave is a minister, therapist, college professor ... so I don't dare compare my writing to his in depth and meaningfulness. However, his idea was brilliant and therefore, steal-worthy. Hopefully, he will be honored that I am choosing to imitate his endeavor.

By choosing a topic based upon whichever letter comes next, I will have a good jumping off point for each day. Of course, my blogs will still be all about fitness, nutrition and struggling to maintain a lifestyle between the two. I recently began a new food rotation and it seems to be working well. I also committed to weighing myself only once per month. (Quite a challenge for me, but liberating at the same time!)

And today I began my 10,000 Swings in 30 Days Kettlebell challenge. In order to accomplish this goal by the end of April, I will need to swing that bell at least 333 times a day. In truth, I need to swing it more like 450x as often as I can in case there are days in which I can't accomplish the goal. (Lots of things get in the way of workouts, right? Scheduling, sickness, family obligation ... need to be prepared.) I just finished 450 swings with my 14kg. Sweat dripping down my back, shoulders tired, the last 50 took a lot of effort ... but I ground 'em out. Now only 29 days to go!

Spring is in the air, new challenges and goals abound. I am looking forward to experiencing creative thoughts again. It seems like it has been an exceptionally long time. Letter "A" tomorrow ...

"And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." ~Sylvia Plath~

Just Say No

It seems such a simple concept, saying "no". It's a small little word, only 2 letters and one syllable. It is also one of the most powerful words in our vocabulary. In fact, so powerful that 9 times out of 10, it is the first word we learn to speak. NO, I don't want to do that. NO, I don't want to go there. NO, I don't want to go to bed. NO, I don't want to eat that brussel sprout/broccoli/cauliflower/whatever.

NO, I don't want any dessert. (Thank you.)

NO, I can't skip my gym workout. NO, I can't even skip the 2nd workout of the day.

NO, I'm not going to eat more than 1 serving.

NO, I don't want that glass of wine. (Yes, I do. No, NO ... I don't!)

Sometimes NO feels like the heaviest, most dreaded word in the English language. Practically impossible to use. Especially in the face of, say, a perfectly made Tiramasu. Or when a loving husband comes home with a bottle of the absolute best Spanish Granache ever bottled anywhere. Ever.

It is quite easy for me to say no to spending money. (Especially when it is not to be spent on me, ha!) It is simple to deny my son access to McDonald's. But put in front of me one of those things I adore (tiramasu, granache ...) and the denial leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

I haven't had to struggle with it today. It was just something that popped into my head as I drove to The Vitamin Shoppe for some Protein Powder after boxing this morning. I need to remaster the art of saying NO to myself. For the past 4 days, I have done quite well. But then, there have been no real temptations placed in my path. The weekend is upon me, and I am sure those temptations will rear their ugly head. The rest is up to me.

Just. Say. NO!

Breakfast
4 egg whites, cooked hard then eaten on an Arnold Whole Wheat Sandwich Thin
2 cups black coffee

MM Snack
1/2 c. No-Sugar-Added canned peaches with 1/2 c. 1% Cottage Cheese

Lunch
Leftover Chicken Soup from last night's supper (about 1.5 c.)

MA Snack
1/4 c. mixed unsweetened dehydrated banana chip, sesame sticks, slivered raw almonds

Supper
4-oz. grilled chicken, mixed veggie salad with 1 tbsp balsamic vinegar, 1/2 baked potato with spray butter