Live Today

"How am I going to live today in order to create the tomorrow I'm committed to?" ~Tony Robbins~

I've had a hard time lately with sticking with my plans. Every morning I wake with the same renewed sense of empowerment. I go to bed each night guilty for what I did not accomplish, vowing that tomorrow will be a new day. Somewhere in the middle I am jacking things up tremendously.

The scale was really mean today. High, high, high. So this stepping on it once a week thing is not going to work for me. I am going to step on it every day for a while, first thing in the morn. And I am going to post it here. Maybe that will keep me accountable. Today's weigh in? 184.1.

I have come up with a plan for the day, and because it is a busy one, I can't spend a lot of time discussing it ... but I will write it down for all to see. I'll let you know at tomorrow's weigh in if I managed to accomplish it.

Coffee, first thing (am drinking it now)
Cardio (elliptical, level 8-10, 45 minutes), followed by skim milk based protein shake.
Legs/Abs workout, followed by 1 apple, sliced, with 2 Tbsp natural peanut butter
Finish processing and canning the vegetable broth. Clean my downstairs (kitchen, living room, family room, bathroom, FL room)
Lunch: Grilled chicken (4 oz) on 3 cups lettuce with 2 tbsp homemade vinegar & oil dressing
Vacuum whole house, water all plants, laundry, Ian's bathroom
Snack: 1 c. sliced carrots. 2 tbsp hummus
Finish cleaning upstairs, including master bath. Take Cloe for a walk, about a 1/2 hour at a good clip.
Dinner: grilled salmon (4 oz), 1 c. steamed broccoli
Relax and enjoy 1 glass of red wine with my husband.

Go to bed at a reasonable hour because I have to get up fairly early to fit in my workout tomorrow morning. Eat NOTHING past 7pm, drink lots of water.

I should probably write something worthwhile, too, but this is more important. I have no intention of going backwards any further, and I can not rely upon the successes of my past. If I fail to accomplish the mission, its a failure entirely, no matter how many small victories I achieved along the way.

“Success seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don't quit.” ~Conrad Hilton~

Deal With It

Deal with it.

How many times have I used those words with my son? Hundreds. Real sympathetic parenting, I know, right? But sometimes, that's just all there is to say. Deal with the fact that you have to get up and get dressed for school. Deal with the fact that 3rd grade brings with it much more homework than previous years. Deal with the fact that YOU wanted to be in both karate & football and that means, sometimes, you are gonna be a little busier than you like. Deal with the fact that your mother cooks at home most days and McD's is simply out of the question.

Deal with it.

Now to turn that pointing gun right around and fire off a few rounds of "Deal with it" for myself.

Deal with the fact that you have a raging headache. Deal with the fact that chocolate is not an acceptable healthy food group. Deal with the fact that you have a busy schedule and fast food is still not an option for you. Deal with the fact that you are always going to struggle with weight, and yes, you are always going to have to eat this way. Deal with the fact that your leg hurts, or your shoulder hurts, or your head aches ... or whatever other ailment it is today. You are 41 years old and have abused your body for years. Not in a good way.

Deal with it.

I don't want to, most of the time. Yes, I feel 100x better after I go to the gym. I feel empowered, confident, even self-righteous. It's the getting me there part that hurts. Right now, I am dressed and ready to go. However, my bluetooth headset is not, because I failed to plug it in last night. So I am drinking one more cup of coffee (I am tired because I stayed up and watched the football game last night. I made the choice, now I have to deal with it.) while I wait for the little red light to turn blue and give me my stereo "go ahead".

I guess the good news is, I get to spend a little time writing.

Somewhat on the same "Deal with it" thread ... Monica Brant, fitness icon and my personal hero, won the WBFF title this past weekend. She switched allegiances from IFBB to WBFF this past February, with much brouhaha. If you follow that kind of stuff, its been made something of a big deal. She switched to avoid the politics that have become associated with the IFBB and to (hopefully) simply compete and be judged on the physique she brings to the competition. In my amateur and humble opinion, that physique was outstanding.
I can't think of any time I have seen her look better, leaner, more defined and absolutely perfect. Yes, I am a huge fan, but seriously ... she looked awesome. Apparently, there was some ... dis-satisfaction from the camps of the runner-up. Some allegations of misjudging. Innuendo's of misdealings. Frankly, side by side, the runner-up, IMHO, didn't even look to be in the same category. Monica beat her hands down. So you didn't come in first ... deal with it. 2nd is pretty darn awesome. You didn't look as good as she did. Deal with it and come back stronger, leaner next year.

Now that the blue light has flashed, I am going to get my aching, old, tired body to the gym and finish today's workout.

Deal with it!

"A champion is someone who gets up, even when he can't."
~ Jack Dempsey

Restart Button

Certain times of the year always feel like "restarts". New Year's is a given. Most of us make decisions to restart or revamp some part of our life on New Year's Eve. Monday's, too, fall under that "restart button" header. For me, September has always held the scent of a "Brand New Start". Most likely, this is due to the beginning of the school year. From kindergarten through college, and then again when we have our own children, September signals the start of a brand new school year. Resolutions to do better this year, be more popular, try out for a new team ... it's practically more resolution packed than New Year's Eve!

I've had a heck of a summer. Most of you reading this know that I lost my father in August. We had a lot more trips this year than in summer's previous. Trying to spend as much quality time with Dad as possible in the waning days, then a surprise 50th Anniversary trip with my in-laws to California. I feel like I have spent very little time in my own home. I'm not ready for this school year to start again. however, time waits for no one, and tomorrow it starts again, whether I am ready or not.

So, ready or not, it is also time for me to kick my workout and healthy eating plans right back into action. I will not make any grandstand promises to blog every day, but I will attempt to be more prolific with my writing. I won't promise to post my every bite, however, I will be journaling them on my SparkPeople page, if you feel like checking it out.

I have a few goals for this month ... and an update on my biggest goal.

1) Lose 8 lbs. by 10/1/10
2) Accomplish 20 workouts before the end of September (that's 5 per week.)
3) Spend a minimum of 5 minutes every single day on my knee rehab exercises.

And the BIGGIE? Be at my goal weight by Spring Break 2010. It's about 33 lbs to go for that one ... and I hope I can accomplish it even sooner than that. However ... this time I am allowing for plateau's. I seem to have a thing for them ... and I don't want their existence to derail me again.

A brand new start. Again. And again. And again.

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~

Goodbye, Daddy

What is sadness? Is it loss, or loneliness, regret, or fear? Is it an emptiness ... or perhaps just an ache, where something used to be, but is no longer?

Today, my Daddy died. Where once there was a strong presence, even in absence, there is a void which will remain unfilled for the rest of my days. We knew it was coming, brain tumors of this sort offer little hope. The knowledge has done nothing to assuage the emptiness in my heart. To a little girl, Daddy is everything.

This morning, before I knew, when I said a prayer for him, I whispered "I always loved you best." It's not entirely true of course. As a parent with multiple children loves each of them equally, yet separately and individually, so I love my parents, each equally, individually and uniquely. But it was my Daddy that I always strove to please.

I could be less than perfect with my Mum. I shared my failures with her, I shared my fears and my tears. But I tried my hardest for my Dad. I wanted his pride more than anything. Being a man of few words, I honestly did not often know if my attempts were noticed, or appreciated, by him. Now that the opportunity has completely passed, I will always wish I had come right out and asked "Hey, Dad ... did I do OK? Are you proud of the person I grew up to be?"

Because I wanted to be so strong and independent (qualities I felt he admired), I very rarely showed him my soft, vulnerable side. I did not hug him readily, tell him I loved him frequently, did not reveal to him exactly how much his respect meant to me. My attempts to do so in the last few months since his diagnosis have been clumsy at best. I will forever regret the years I wasted, now that the opportunities have completely slipped away. I can only hope that he always knew, and the last few months solidified it, in some way.

If I have learned anything at all from this, it is that ANY opportunity is a good one to tell someone what they mean to you. Forgive easily and don't hold grudges. Worry less about revealing your vulnerability and more about revealing the truth in your heart. Love with everything you have and as if this is the last time you might get the chance. Live every moment of your life, dance upon your road and don't be afraid to sing with joy at every opportunity. It's short, this path.

I love you, Daddy. And I will miss you every day. I hope that you are playing golf on the green of your dreams, spending eternity in the glorious presence of God. I imagine He plays a mean round of golf. I look forward to catching up in the club house someday and telling you how proud I am to be your daughter.

QUITTERS NEVER WIN.

June 18th. Really? It's been a long time, folks, and for that I am truly sorry.

In my defense, my life has been a little bit of a whirlwind. Take that back. My life has been a whacked out freak of a roller coaster ride that has had me screaming to get off, to absolutely no avail. The ride must go on, until it is over, or until the guy behind the controls chooses to shut the whole thing down. I'm kind of hopin' he plans to keep my personal ride going for a while longer ... but a little request for less whoop-de-whirls has been submitted.

My Dad is not good. His brain tumor did not respond to the chemo and radiation treatments and about 2 weeks ago they stopped all treatment and put him in hospice. Currently, he is at a facility receiving the best care possible, spending most of his time sleeping. I was able to spend 2 weeks up there Mid-July and am heading back up next weekend. It's not enough, not nearly, but it's what I have ... that and my prayers for his peace. Living so far away from family makes these times especially difficult. Having a husband who travels extensively for work and an 8-year old son with needs of his own, make it even more difficult. I have had to work my way through a lot of guilt lately. Not being there enough for my Dad, Mom, Sister. Not being a *present* Mom to my son, being completely emotionally unavailable to my husband. Being angry at God, at the world, at situations beyond my control. Letting my goals slip completely off my radar. Not being true to myself at all. Times like these, self-focus is not only impossible, its unthinkable. I am the least important person in my world right now ... and my exercise and eating habits have reflected that.

So here I am, 3 weeks out from a trip to the beach (my in-laws 50th Anniversary celebration) and I have a few mini-goals that I am trying to fit in. Getting to the gym at least 5 times a week. Getting a good workout in EVERY day of the week. eating small, healthy meals and writing them down so I have something keeping me accountable. Oh yeah, and hitting that ever-elusive 165 lbs. mark by 8/22/10. I wanted to be at 145, my goal weight, but I have been stuck in the low 170's for MONTHS now. Somewhat due to a plateau, mostly due to letting my focus get off track. Yes, it is excusable. I already know that. But it is NOT who I am ... and I do NOT want to undo all the work I have accomplished in the last year. It's OK for the train to stop at the station every once in a while. It is UNACCEPTABLE to jump the dang track.

In the fall, when Ian gets back to school, I intend to start boxing. I have located a gym, I have visited the kettlebell class there (intend to also go back to that), I have talked with the owner a little. It seems I need to have something to work towards and with my knee problems, running races aren't going to be something I can do on a regular basis. This interests me - and I know it is tough. It will also be pretty good for the old aggression. It's also pretty intimidating.

I don't want to be the person who gives up before actually making a goal. I just had this conversation with my son last night. Quitters NEVER win. Quitters ALWAYS lose. I know that is not politically correct in our society any longer. We tell our children it's "OK" to come in 2nd or 3rd, it's OK not to win, it only matters that we try. And this is TRUE. However, if you didn't try as hard as you possibly can, if you did not give every last ounce of effort, if you QUIT before you make it to the finish line because things got tough, obstacles got in the way, your feelings got hurt, your world turned upside down ... that is NOT OK. Winners don't let things get in their way. They work around them, work in spite of them, work through them ... but they NEVER quit working. Ian got it last night, when he made it through 2.5 hours of conditioning training in football with a twisted ankle. I need to make it through 30 more pounds with a twisted life. And remind myself: QUITTERS NEVER WIN.

165 here I come.

So ... you think this is hard ... ?

"Character is what emerges from all the little things you were too busy to do yesterday, but did anyway." ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's
Notebook, 1966

I have a friend, whom I love dearly and who might very well read these words. So, I'm just gonna say, yes, YOU inspired me to write today. But it's not all because of what you wrote, but also about things I have thought myself, things other people have said to me ... just thoughts that have interceded where they ought not for far too long.

There is somebody out there that thinks what I am doing is hard. TOO hard. That it is impossible for a regular working woman, a single mom, an average joe who enjoys playing a little in life when the work day is done. Who would rather NOT head to the gym after the work day is over or on a blessed, sunny weekend day. I get that. I really, really do. I think it all the time. "I should do the laundry, clean the house, weed the flower beds, clean out the garage, go to the grocery, have lunch with my friend ... a million other things ... I really should do those right NOW instead of heading to the gym." Or here's another one I hit myself with all the time: "It's BEAUTIFUL OUT! I do not WANT to sit in a stinky room surrounded by iron things and sweat in the A/C. I WANT to get a tall glass of Iced Tea, a really good book and sit in the back yard."

That part of the job? Ignoring the inner voice? Yep, that part IS hard. The hardest part, in fact. It's the part I struggle with the most. But that's not what spurred me to write today. It is that somehow you have been left with the impression that the actual work I am doing is hard. The lifting of iron stuff part. It's not.

OK, it is ... but not necessarily in the way you might be thinking.

Don't choose not to work out with me because you don't think you can do the things I am doing. ANYBODY can do this stuff. I was doing this stuff the day I started. The weights and the reps were a little lower, is all. The actual movements, the "exercises" are simple, and standing side by side, the only way to tell any difference would be to look at the number on the weight in our hands. Nobody does that. Or rather, nobody cares. Trust me when I tell you that many of the other humans in my weight room are pushing and pulling HUNDREDS of pounds heavier than me. If I waited until I was at their level ... well, I guess I would never start because I am not made to bench press 300 lbs. And the totally cut personal trainer that often works out at the same time as me? She can pull off a whole bunch of pull ups completely unassisted. If I waited until I was at her level ... I 'd never get there. Because, at some point, maybe 20 years ago, but still at some point ... she started off JUST LIKE ME. I choose to be inspired by her and the other, stronger, inhabitants of my gym space, rather than intimidated.

Doing the work, that's not the hard part. Getting there, leaving your pride at the door, putting in the time and not offering yourself any excuses? That is. Seeing results? It is like getting a big, fat bonus in every paycheck. When I do the work, I get the bonus. When I don't do the work. I either put in harder work the next time, or I start losing out on that big fat bonus. When I give up or stop showing up? I not only lose the bonus, I lose the paycheck.

I read an article a few days ago about some of the things a woman could now do after having gotten more fit. It inspired me enough that I am going to share a few of my big fat bonuses with you all. And here's the kicker ... I am not even done! There's still so much more reward to come. (As long as I keep putting in the work.)

Things I can do NOW that I couldn't do 50 lbs ago:

1) Run 4 miles without walking
2) Sit in the middle seat of an airplane comfortably
3) See my feet when I look down (without bending forward!)
4) Run bases a heck of a lot faster
5) Wear heels without killing my feet or knees
6) Do 100 bicep curls with a 15 lbs. weight
7) Wear the pj's my son and hubby got me for Christmas this year
8) Lots and lots of walking lunges (I hate them, but I can do them ...)
9) 45 minutes on the stairmaster at a level 10
10) push ups, pull ups, sit ups, chin ups, & other "ups" that were downs before

That's just 10 ... I could sit here all day and come up with other cool stuff. There's still 20 more lbs to go until goal, then probably 10 or 15 more after that for cutting. I can't wait to see what I will be able to do then!

"The difference between try and triumph is a little umph." ~Author Unknown

Do Not Judge Me.

"To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves." ~Will
Durant

Have you ever had your feelings hurt by someone, knowing full well that it was unintentional, or said with complete and utter ignorance of a situation? It makes your heart sink a little in your chest, causes your breath to catch. Possibly, it makes you question your own motivations for doing the things that you do, for living the life you choose to live.

It happens to me a lot. Probably most often because I portray such a "tough exterior". The face I show to the world is one that is not often hurt. I learned at a very young age to hide emotion. Quite possibly, if you say something directly to me and are staring intently into my face, what you will see is a tightening of the cheeks, a hardening of the eyes. Maybe I will pause a moment before I answer or my voice will be a little quieter and more controlled than it ordinarily is. If you are not standing in front of me, or you are not looking for these signs, most likely you will never know that your words bothered me. I will probably bury the hurt inside somewhere and turn to the next person, or the next item on my agenda, smile, and go about my business. But down in that hole where these types of affronts are buried? My thoughts are churning. I am deciding if you are worth the time and effort it will take to correct you. More often than not, you will end up as the subject of a blog entry, usually without a name referenced. If you were aware of your words, you might recognize yourself in mine. If not, then it is just a place for me to write my opinion and send it off into the universe, possibly to educate others on the importance of being mindful of how easy it is to hurt one another.

We all have our own path to walk. God has given each of us specific gifts and required that we use them for good, that we spread the wealth of His goodness and hope that the seeds will take root and generosity and happiness can spring forth from them. I have always been told that my gifts are music and writing. Music I share as much for my own enjoyment as for others. Luckily, God decided that I should be able to carry a tune, so my singing might actually be somewhat enjoyable. With my writing, I try to convey my own struggles and successes. I use my written word to share my life and the lessons I have been taught with others who might have similar needs and desires.

I also believe that God gave me a desire to keep His temple, my body, in its best condition possible. I have found that when I am fueling it properly and I am keeping it tuned up regularly, I am far more effective with the other gifts He has given me. It's not just vanity, although as a human being, I am quite sure that vanity does indeed play a part. We all want to look good. But, from the bottom of my heart I can tell you, it is far more important to me that I FEEL good. I am happier, I am more productive, I have more energy, I am better able to utilize the gifts I have been given in a way which might be pleasing to the One who created this temple I have to live in.

If there are others who choose to walk a different path, that is perfectly fine with me. I do not judge ANYONE based upon their appearance. Goodness knows, I have spent a lot of years going against the fire inside me, living an unhealthy and unhappy life. I was not created to be a sedentary person. My system is not created to be happy and healthy on lower octane foods. God gave each of us a different set of gifts and priorities, He created each and everyone of us differently and I have to believe that pertains to our physical self as well. For some, the fuel they put into their bodies doesn't change their mentality one iota. For me, it makes all the difference in the world. I simply function better when I am eating clean and working out. And God gave me the gift of writing in order to share it with others who might be built similar to me.

What I ask, is that you not judge me based upon my lifestyle. I am not obsessed with food. I am not obsessed with working out. I am absolutely addicted to feeling healthy and whole and productive and HAPPY. I also LOVE sharing it with anyone who is interested. If you are not interested, that's just fine. I am happy for you that you have found your path and are walking it with joy and fulfillment, knowing that you are living your life exactly as God created you to be. But don't ridicule me, or judge me, because my path is different than yours. Leave my words for those who can benefit from them and be happy for me that I am racing down my own path, exactly as I was created to do.

Remember, too, that you have the ability to hurt and cause harm to others when you ignorantly judge them, based upon your own standards. Luckily, I have come to a place in my life where I understand that I am created differently from everyone else and I know longer feel the need to conform to someone else's standards. I am kind of OK with being different and I like being who I am. Your words won't cause irreparable harm to my life. But years ago I was not so lucky and it has taken quite some time to get to this point. Treat everyone, speak to everyone, write about everyone, with the same amount of respect you would hope to be given in return.

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them." ~Mother
Teresa~