Me and My Bell ...

I have a lot of work to do to make it to my next goal.  In fact, as I sit here contemplating that next goal, I am concerned that I might be trying to place the bar too high.  Having an in-achievable goal is possibly worse than having no goal at all.

"The goal you set must be challenging. At the same time, it should be realistic and attainable, not impossible to reach. It should be challenging enough to make you stretch, but not so far that you break." ~Rick Hansen~

What to do?

Yesterday, my competition Kettlebell class had it's mock tournament.  At the end of every many-week session, we are tested as if we are actually in competition, doing our chosen lift in the 10 minute time frame.  I currently compete in the Long Cycle Jerk using a 16kg (35.2lb) bell.  In 10 minutes (almost exactly 5 minutes on each arm) I completed 74 total long cycle jerk lifts.  This is 12 more than I accomplished the last time I tested (early June, just before I broke my leg), so I guess I should be satisfied.

I am not, however.  I have been studying the ranking sheet over at the IKFF website.  Currently, with that test, I would have achieved a 3rd Ranking in the "Sporting Perfection" category of my weight class.  In order to accomplish a 1st ranking, I need to add 46 more lifts into my 10 minute time frame, for a total of 120.  Or lose 50 pounds before the competition (either June or July).  If I lose 50 lbs by the competition, I only need to add in 40 more lifts (total of 114) in 10 minutes.

Or I guess I could aim for 100 total lifts using a 20kg (44 lb) bell.

And here I thought I was doing so well.  (Picture the cartoon version of me rolling around on the floor, laughing and crying and out of control.)

That face I am wearing in the photo?  That is my "Oh Dear God ... I am not even finished with the first arm and I am flat exhausted" face.  By the time I switched over to the right arm, my legs were tired, my upper back was fatigued and I was starting to lose focus.  I was far more disciplined on my left arm, for timing and rhythm, but my right arm had cleaner technique and my lifts were more perfect.  This is due, in part, to the fact that my right rotator cuff has been giving me fits and I am very aware that if my form is off in the slightest, that arm will be done for months, instead of merely weeks.

(Thanks, Lynn, for taking the photo, btw.  It's always good to see the horrifying lovely faces I make!)  

Of course, I felt that my right forearm was destroyed before the 7 minute mark and is still wimpy today.  My legs were thrashed at the 5 minute mark.  I guess I know what body parts need special attention over the next 4 months.

So, I guess I do have a plan of sorts, and some serious goals in mind.  I may need to tweak them in May or so, depending upon how I progress.  I am going to work on building my forearm strength and endurance.  I am going to spend more time on the squats and lunges ... and calf lifts, as my left leg, especially, still gets incredibly tired.  I am going to up my cardio for endurance and fat loss. (Yes, that means running again, at least 1 day a week.)   I am going to keep that diet clean and be prepared.  (Meaning, there will be cheat days, but I will plan for them and not let weekends run off on their own merry way because I haven't properly prepared,)

Who knows?  If I am diligent in my training, I may accomplish all of the goals ... gain the lifts AND lose the weight.  Then I could compete for the CMS (Candidate Master of Sport) ranking.

I have certainly got my work cut out for me over the next several months.

"The goal you set must be challenging. At the same time, it should be realistic and attainable, not impossible to reach. It should be challenging enough to make you stretch, but not so far that you break." ~Rick Hansen~

 "If I've got correct goals, and if I keep pursuing them the best way I know how, everything falls into line. If I do the right thing right, I'm going to succeed." ~Dan Dierdorf~ 

Challenges ...

I did finish The 21 Day Sugar Detox, by the way.  I simply haven't found the free time to spend writing about it until now.

Just FYI for those who read my words almost a year ago in April, I also completed the 10,000 Swings in 30 Days challenge.  I did 10,001 ... just because I wanted to exceed my expectations.

Coach challenged me at the beginning of January to row 50,000 meters before the end of the month.  I have just over 700 meters to go to finish that challenge, and will do so today.  Figured I should write it now, as most likely I will forget all about it after I accomplish it.  That seems to be my trend.

I'm not quite sure why ... maybe it's "checked off in the completed category" and therefore forgotten as I move onto the next big TO-DO in my life.  For whatever reason, I don't seem to stop and celebrate the little successes I have in my life.

But, BOY, do I sure lament about and dwell upon the failures.  I can spend HOURS writing about all the ways I have let myself down, all the ways in which I have quit, been defeated or flat out failed.  Those things, I seem to have plenty of words for and time with which to write them.

There's something wrong with that philosophy, isn't there?  Why do we spend so much time beating ourselves up, and so little time edifying?  Why is it so much easier to hear the bad stuff than the good?  Why is our success never quite enough, while our failure is so complete?

The 21 Day Sugar Detox was eye opening in a lot of ways.  I embarked upon the quest as an experiment upon my body.  How would I react to complete depletion of my carbohydrate stores?  Are grains something I will feel deprived of?  Will I forget how to behave as a human while I limit these things from my diet?  Is it a lifestyle I can (or want to) maintain 90% of the rest of my days?  Well ...

1. My body actually responded very well to limiting the carbs.  In the first week I had some very mild fuzziness and low energy levels.  However, these were not much more that I would normally feel after getting slightly less sleep than I prefer (I am an 8 hour per night girl, but regularly only get 7 hours.)  I was a bit forgetful, but lets face it ... I am forgetful anyway (early onset Alzheimer's, I'm convinced!).
2. I did not miss grains a bit.  Granted, sandwiches are much easier to eat on the road than a salad and in that way, I guess I might have missed them a bit, but otherwise?  Nope.  Making a protein breakfast has no longer prep time than making a bowl of oatmeal (I always used the slow cook, steel cut variety).  Scrambling some eggs with chopped veggies and maybe a couple slices of bacon did not cut into my morning time at all.  Not even the clean up time.  (That oatmeal pan was a B*#$%!)
3. Well, maybe I did become a bit more grumpy than normal.  I certainly found my temper a little shorter. Things that bugged me previously, I could swallow and bite my tongue on (or close the laptop and still my fingers on) whereas, now?  I unleashed my full rage far faster than before.  (All Giants fans who tried to draw me into their little football world were unlucky recipients of this rage.)  But it did seem to get a little better towards the end.  I'm still uncertain as to whether this was me getting used to this way of eating, or just that I realized I was turning into a monster and started reining in some control ...)
4. Yes, I do believe I can maintain this lifestyle 90% of the rest of my life.  I say 90% because, let's face it, I will want to have a piece of cake at some time in the future.  I am sure that I will go out for sushi eventually ... and want a roll, instead of straight sashimi.  When I visit family members, there is sure to be pasta offered up and I can't be the crazy rude one who refuses to eat.  But, most of the time?  It is really easy.  If I go out to dinner, I can order grilled meat and steamed veggies or a salad (bring my own dressing, of course!)  When I am home, it is easy to fix a pasta or rice side for my husband and son, but stick with the meat and potatoes for myself.  I can enjoy an occasional glass of wine, if I want. 

There's another challenge out there, a little stricter, a little longer, called the Whole30.  I am reading through the literature on that one and deciding when and how to stick it in, or even if I want to.  I think that I do, because I like the results I have seen on this "precursor" plan (did I tell you I am down 12 lbs from when I started?  Nice side effect!)  My digestive track is really happy (no more IBS ... think I might be one of the 5-10% who has a gluten intolerance and did not know it??), my skin is happy, my scale is happy ... all around good things.  My depression has ebbed (could be just a general ebbing, or could be diet-related), my energy, while it has not increased, it has not decreased, which is normally what occurs when I hit winter.

Although the Detox has ended, I haven't really changed much.  I have added some fruit back in, but not daily ... just as I have wanted it.  And the fruit I added back in were actually the Granny Smith apple and the green-tinged banana that I was allowed during the Detox.  I also ate a handful of dried figs with my almonds for an afternoon snack yesterday.  That's it.  I intend to enjoy a glass of wine Friday night with my husband.  Those are my big cheats (treats), but for all intents and purposes, I am sticking with the basic plan until, well, until I change my mind or try something different.

"Challenges make you discover things about yourself that you never really knew. They're what make the instrument stretch-what make you go beyond the norm."  ~Cicely Tyson~

What's next?

My 21 days of being sugar-free are coming to an end.  Or, at least, the 21 Day Sugar Detox is coming to a close.  On Monday, January 23rd, I am free to start putting sugar and grains back into my diet.

I'm not sure I want to.

Yes, that glass of red wine that I have been pining over ... THAT I want put back into my diet.  At least, you know, a glass on Friday nights.  I do want that back.  Maybe an apple to go with my almond butter, or some blue berries to add to my goat milk kefir in the morning for a breakfast alternative.  (Getting a bit tired of eggs.)  But, otherwise, I think I am liking the results of a sugar and grain free way of life.

"Officially", I have lost just over 11 lbs. since starting.  While I can not claim to have an over-abundance of energy, I am no worse off than I was before the detox.  I have found my (ahem) bowels to be much happier and my body seems to use up the food very efficiently, which tells me its getting lots of great nutrients out of it, and needing to eliminate less waste.

It's also fairly easy to accommodate when eating out.  Simply order grilled meat and veggies, hold the pasta/rice/bread etc., please.  I make my own salad dressing, so as long as I remember to bring some with me, I can pretty much stay on track with a grilled chicken salad anywhere I go.

So, *gasp*, does this mean I am ready to embrace the Paleo lifestyle?

Well ...

Yes ... and no.

I do believe there is a lot of truth to the research behind it.  I do not believe all grains are evil.  I DO like how my body reacts to limiting them, but I don't see myself NEVER having another, say, fish taco, for the rest of my life.  But, making grain and processed sugar items "treats & cheats" and not a mainstay in my diet seems like a really good plan.  Those who know me, or have followed my writing, know that I have always tried to live a pretty clean eating lifestyle.  I avoid sugar, or tend to use Sucanat, home grown dried stevia, or pure maple syrup or maple sugar in place of the evil white stuff.  But grains, whole grains, have been a huge part of my diet.  From the oatmeal in the morning, to the whole grain sandwiches at lunch, and the brown rice with dinner.  Pretty much every meal in my day held a portion of grain.  And I am not buying into the "all grains are evil" theory.  But, this little experiment on my body has shown me that grains, although not evil, might not be the best thing to eat every single day, every single meal.

Something else that I feel should be pointed out:  I have not counted calories.  Other than the first 2 days, when I logged my intake just to have some sort of idea where the calories were falling (around 1500 each day), I have simply eaten when I was hungry and stopped when I was full.  I kept a bag of raw almonds in my car, next to my water bottle, for emergencies.  You know, when you are running errands, driving from here to there and realize you are starving and your best food option will be something from a gas station or drive-thru (neither of which is acceptable to me).  I would just snack on some almonds until the hunger was under control, finish my business, then work on getting that real meal.  I didn't weigh OR measure my food.  I cooked in coconut oil, olive oil, or *gasp again* real organic butter.

And I worked out a lot, and hard.  But that hasn't every really been a problem for me.  (Months of healing a broken leg aside.)  Eating real food while getting my butt up off the chair/couch etc.  I sit far less, my house is a heck of a lot cleaner and my butt is getting smaller.  I write less, true, but the time I spend behind the face of this laptop seems to be more productive.

So what's next?  More of the same I guess, with a few treats mixed in.  And 5 words that sum up my plan quite succinctly:

Eat FOOD.  Move a LOT.

How's that "No Sugar" thing going for ya?

I am on Day 8 of the 21 Day Sugar Detox ( http://www.the21daysugardetox.com/ ) and I gotta tell you ... I am loving how I feel. 

I didn't think I would.  A year ago when Kaz first brought it up to me, my first response was "no oatmeal for the morning?  Nope that ain't workin' for me.  You have your healthy diet and I have mine."  The idea of adding more 4-legged animals into my daily menu didn't help his argument.  I just wasn't there yet.  I'm still not 100% THERE ... meaning ... I would still prefer to eat chicken over roast beast, but my body seems to be enjoying the change.

A typical day of meals for me looks like this:

• 2 eggs, 3 slices uncured bacon, coffee
• water, water, water ... oh, maybe a handful of almonds (raw, no salt)
• Lettuce, onions, tomato, cucumber, avocado salad, with grilled chicken or steak and homemade (no sugar) olive oil vinaigrette
• water, water, water ... maybe a handful of almonds, walnuts or hazelnuts (raw, no salt) if hungry or heading to another workout
• Grilled, baked or broiled organic beef or chicken, roasted or steamed veggies
• water, water, water, cup of hot tea, more water

Pretty basic, very clean ... the veggies are all organic if I can find them and the meat is always organic, grass-fed.  I am drinking a TON of water, because I crave it.  Not sure if that is just my body getting back to normal (I have always drank a lot of water) or if my body needs more water to process the food.  The scale is down, although I won't officially know how much until my TOPS weigh in tonight.  (I have a great, accurate scale at home that I check myself on, but use the TOPS scale as official ...)

I've not craved sugar, not really.  Which is HUGE because, let's face it folks, I ate a LOT of sugar cookies over the holidays.  My only real difficulty was watching my husband drink some wine Friday night.  I made him promise not to buy my favorite while I detox, which helped.  It's not that I crave wine, but more that I enjoy the relaxing glass we traditionally share on Friday nights.  Still, it's only 21 days, so I should be fine.  I haven't even indulged in the limited, but allowed green apple or not-quite-ripe banana!

Sugar is in everything ... have you ever noticed that?  I don't mean the naturally occurring, minimal sugars in meats and veggies, but the added sugar in every other (even minimally) processed food out there.  Needed some beef broth for a recipe, so I purchased a box in my favorite organic brand.  4th item on the ingredient list?  Organic Evaporated Cane Juice.  In the "sugar" world, this is one of the least offensive ... but still, there it is.  Sweetener added to a food that simply does not need it.  Needless to say, the box is still on the shelf in my pantry and I purchased some marrow bones and cooked up a batch of homemade broth for future recipes. 

Something else that I have noticed, although I am not 100% convinced it is related ... my attitude has improved. I still have almost daily crying sessions, but I don't feel the overwhelming "doom" that I did before.  I am still struggling with depression ... but I am not as crippled by it as I was before.  And as long as I can see improvement, I can avoid adding the anti-depressant I had begun to believe was inevitable.  I hate adding chemicals to my body, whether it needs them or not ... if I can avoid this final step, I will be quite content!

So, I guess you could say the "No Sugar Thing" is working out okay for me!

"In order to succeed you must fail, so that you know what not to do the next time."  ~Anthony J. D'Angelo~

Why Are You Doing That?

Happy 1st Monday of January, or January 2nd, 2012, as it may prefer to be known.  It is the beginning of a brand new year, a brand new plan, hopefully a brand new attitude. 

Yesterday, I was having a conversation with a friend at my gym and she said something to the effect of "You have to stop looking at the past.  All that stuff is gone and in yesterday and you just have to focus on the future and move on."  It kind of smacked me in the face, because, yes, I have been living in the past and not letting ANYTHING go. 

Some of it is justified.  Mourning the loss of a parent, especially in a fairly sudden and traumatic way means there will be a certain amount of dwelling in the past.  Everyone takes a different mourning path, and there is no time limit.  You move on when it is time to move on.  Mine took a little longer than I expected, and if I am being truthful with myself, I am not quite ready to "move on".  I am, however, ready to start moving forward and stop using that as an excuse for self-destructive behavior.

I also broke my leg.  Yeah, yeah, we have all heard it too many times.  Yes, I am still having a lot of pain in that leg and there are things I can not do yet, may never be able to do again.  Time to quit using it as an excuse and start strengthening everything else I can in order to be a fully functioning body in the universe.  I've got a crappy knee, I've got crappy joints.  Get over it.  Move on.  Next!

So the "next" is that I have joined a TOPS group, meeting every Tuesday evening.  We weigh in, discuss strategies, encourage one another.  I like it better than the old Weight Watchers meetings because 1) everyone is following their own plan and 2) there isn't a leader standing in front of a classroom lecturing us.  We sit around tables in a discussion format and although we have a "leader" she is more like one of us, than the almighty Wizard of Weight Loss.

The other "next", the part that started today is my 21-Day Sugar Detox.  (Also, the reason for today's blog title.)  The same woman at my gym, when I excitedly told her that "tomorrow I start my Sugar Detox" said "Why are you doing that?"  Kind of turned her lip up a bit, derisively.  I know she didn't mean it badly or negatively ... more like "why do you want to do something as crazy as that".  The first questions out of her mouth after I started explaining were "What about fruit?  You can't have fruit?"  Well, yes, a green apple or a green, not quite ripe banana per day are allowed, but I'd rather not.  It's only 21 days after all.  But she did make me think.  Why, indeed, am I doing this?

Well, the obvious answer is that I have over indulged in Christmas Cookies this season and feel like I have enough sugar coursing through my veins to open a bakery.  I want to get my system purged of the stuff as I start the new year and lean out again.  Another answer might be that my friend Kaz has been doing it for years and has been touting the virtues of a Paleo style diet for quite some time.  (The 21-day is a precursor to that lifestyle.)  He also claims to feel like a million bucks.  Paleo is being embraced by many in the cross fit world and it seems a pretty natural fit for the competitive kettlebell and boxing world as well.  So this is a way to check it out, while ridding my body of some excess sugar in the meantime.

Who knows ... maybe I will find that my mind quits working entirely when carb-depleted.  Or maybe I will find that my muscles heal faster with the protein load.  I might find it works super well for me, or I might find that it does not ... but either way, I won't know until I try.  I do know that I have ALWAYS been a fan of eating clean, healthy, GOD-made foods, instead of engineered foods (or Frankenfood, as many like to call it.)  I have always purchased organic or grassfed whenever possible.  I shy away from artificial sweeteners because there is something just wrong with working hard on building a better body, and then filling it with chemicals.  I have always felt that nuts make a better mid-day snack than a protein bar.  Real food.  And Real Food that actually tastes good.  Eating should be enjoyable.  You should look forward to the meal, prepared with fresh ingredients and bursting with nutritional value and great taste.  If I am going to spend time eating it, it should be worth the time spent.  It should taste GOOD.

So, today's breakfast was 2 eggs, 3 slices uncured bacon and a cup of steamed brussel sprouts.  Brussel sprouts?!  Yeah ... I needed a green veggie and it was what I had convenient.  Also, black coffee, because that's how I drink it most of the time anyway.  (It's only during the holiday season that I indulge in skinny-gingerbread latte's.)  Lunch is going to be a mixed greens salad with tomato, onion, a handful of kalamata olives and some chicken breast with an olive oil vinaigrette dressing.  Not sure what dinner is ... but if it tastes good and looks pretty I will post it as Food Porn.  I might even share the recipe on my food blog. 

Ringing in the new ~ !

"Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion.  You must set yourself on fire."  ~Arnold H. Glasow

Hello, My Old Friend ...

It's been a while.  A really long while.  Things have went from bad to worse ... then even worse than that.

My emotional and physical knocks have been many (my Dad, my shoulder surgery, my broken leg followed by knee surgery, my emotional roller coaster ...) and I have let it completely derail me.  I spent a little time this morning reading some of my old entries from the good old days, when I was filled with motivation and having lots of weight loss success.

It is my intention to get right back in that saddle.  I am still not 100% healed, mentally or physically, but I can't "baby" myself any longer.  I have a kettlebell competition in May that I intend to rock.  I joined a local TOPS group because I sincerely need to be held accountable in order to get this weight off, once and for all.  I intend to get back on the Clean Eating train ... just after the holidays.  I am keeping track of my food and exercise right now, but lets face it ... Christmas and New Years are not the time to start eating perfectly.  It's Christmas Eve ... I am going to be good, but I am also going to enjoy the season.  Within reason.

I also need to start writing again.  Writing here, writing my novel (which is coming along quite nicely actually), just writing in general.  So come the New Year, my resolution is to write for 2 hours every single day.  If I am on a tear on the book, then I won't blog, but if I am only mediocre or am in a rut, I will at least write here.  I intend to get back to that Wonder Woman mentality I had 2 years ago.

Picking myself up, brushing off the dirt and hitting the road again.  Stay tuned!

Enduring

It has been a rough year for me. Around this time last year, we learned that my Dad's brain tumor was not responding to chemo and radiation therapy. Shortly thereafter he entered hospice and finally, on August 9th, 2010, Dad was released from the agony of being trapped in a body that could not heal. As most of you know, who read me faithfully at that time, we had a little less than 4 months from the time of his diagnosis to the time of his death. That's just not enough time.

But life goes on and we still have responsibilities that must be addressed, needs which must be taken care of. A little less than a week after I returned from my Dad's funeral we were whisked off to sunny San Diego to celebrate my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary. Certainly not an appropriate place to mourn, but better to celebrate life and love and try to move on. Upon returning, Ian had football and school starting and we had lives in the real world to begin living again. Certainly not enough time to properly mourn, but better to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keeping going forward.

I think it bears mentioning here that I have had a "policy" in regards to sadness, mourning, depression, etc. since my first real heartbreak and bitter disappointment in my early 20's. I call it "One Minute of Woe". Whenever I felt something trying to pull me into a dark place I didn't want to go, I would allow myself exactly one minute to cry, weep, lament, despair, whatever I needed to do. However, when the one minute clock chimed, I had to be done and it was time to "move on". Most of the time, I got bored with my "woe" long before the full minute was up and would pull on that happier face, shove the despair as deep down inside as I could and forget about it. Or try to.

Most of the time, this policy worked very well for me. I became very adept at wiping my face clean of sadness and tear tracks and getting on with my life. The problem is, there has been a pile of hurt building up inside of me for 20 years and when it came time to stack the loss of my father on top of it, I found the well no longer had room and I simply could not close that door.

(Picture, as I do, a "man-hole" cover for the city sewage system.)

For twenty years I have been piling the crap down that hole, then locking the cover on tight. Last summer I learned that my sewage system had reached its maximum capacity and, try as I might, that lid simply would not seal. I would get it closed and start to walk away, only to get a whiff of that tell-tale smell and turn to find it loosened again and leaking all over. All of my "crap" was leaking out all over the place for everyone and anyone to see. I found that I could only be around people for a very short amount of time before my system would start to leak again and then I needed to get back in hiding. Heaven forbid anyone should see all my pain and misery, heartbreak and despair, leaking all over and stinking up the place. It was easier to hide.

Not dealing with my heartbreak started to leak into other areas of my life as well. I figured out early on that I "blamed" my husband for not going to the funeral with me. I also realized that I had told him not to come, it was better if he took care of our son (who we felt was not ready to attend a funeral) while I tried to help take care of my Mom. I had no right to blame him for not being there. But somewhere deep inside I had wished he had recognized that I really needed him to be there, and to ignore my words. Several fights later, when I realized what was stirring in the "crap" we were able to shovel that bit out and loosen a bit of the pressure.

In July of last year, sometime after the 4th, before I went out to MI to spend as much time with my Dad as possible, my trainer told me she thought I should find someone new to work with me, that she had taken me as far as she thought she could. She said that she felt I would benefit more from having someone nearby, who could get eyeballs on me and get me over the hump to the next level. That's what she SAID. What I heard was "you've been stuck at the same place for so long that I don't think you can do any better and I would rather work with people who have the ability to finish successfully, not those that stall and fail halfway through." That's what I HEARD. Unreasonable, right? But that's the truth of it. So I cried for a little while, we decided she would keep working with me until I found someone, and then I stuffed that hurt into my sewage system and covered it up. Every failure in my fitness plan from that point on just re-emphasized to me my inability to succeed at anything. And, I think it jeopardized every possibility of success I might have. There has been no success in my weight loss efforts since that point. Whether it is because I am mentally sabotaging myself, or because I am physically unable to deal with the emotional healing I need along with the physical, I don't know. In early June of this year I opted to quit training with her until I could find a way to be happy and successful.

NWB (non-weight-bearing) in a full leg brace and on crutches until at least August 24th. It seems, now, I having nothing but time to deal with all of the crap I have been hiding for the past 20 years.

Well, nothing but time for that and reading and playing games on the computer. I watch much of the world go by from my recliner in the family room.

Oddly enough, the one thing I can not wait to do when I get free from George, my friendly torture device (a.k.a. my leg brace) is RUN. I hate running, it is absolutely my least preferred cardio method. Now, I can't wait until I can run again. Funny, it took breaking my leg to appreciate what a gift it is to have freedom of movement.

I know that my family probably thinks I did not mourn my Dad properly. Heck, if I had seen myself at that funeral I probably would have thought I was a truly odd duck. The fact of the matter is, I DIDN'T mourn him properly. I didn't even know how to begin to mourn him. I remember a few things from that day. I remember lots of people I haven't seen in ages. I remember moving from room to room, outside to inside, person to person, trying not to stay with anyone too long because I couldn't let anyone see me too long, lest the crap started to leak. I remember feeling like I was going to jump out of my skin. I remember feeling like I didn't belong, that I was completely alone. I remember my Aunt Becky, who was my saving grace, whose wit and humor were the strength and fuel I needed to keep it together. I remember my niece, Brianna, crying softly behind me during the service, and how that almost did me in. I remember thinking the minister did NOT know my Dad. I remember my niece, Brittany, finding me silently screaming on the hidden side of a wall, where I was trying to pull it together within the "one-minute" allotment of time I could allow myself. I remember her arm around my shoulder was the most comforting thing I felt the whole week. I remember the body of my father, looking nothing like my Dad and not wanting to look at it, because that is not how I wanted to remember him. Sadly, that sight is the memory that still haunts me.

It's been nearly a year and it has taken a broken leg to make me stop moving in every direction around this heartbreak and force me to face it. I am starting to realize that I need to face more of these things I have been shoving down the man-hole. I am hoping that at the end of my 8-week forced rest I will be able to return to a life better than the one I was enduring before. I want to do more than endure. I want to thrive.